Floyd’s Rant for Wrestlemania XXIV

1. NO-DQ BELFAST BRAWL: J.B.L. Vs. Fit Finlay (w/ Hornwoggle) - I haven’t kept up with WWE in a while so bear with me, but I think the story goes like this: Midget Hornswoggle was discovered to be Vince McMahon’s illegitimate son. So of course Vince McMahon showed his affection by beating the shit out of him as much as possible. Then JBL, using his A.P.A. detective skills, dropped the bomb that Hornswoggle is really Finlay’s son! JBL also went dwarf tossing by mauling Hornswoggle inside a cage. If I was booking I’d have the entire locker-room tested and have JBL be the father next. Then book Jerry Springer (That show still on?) This is a Belfast brawl, No-DQ. They shoulda used one of those old British World Sport rules instead. My pre-match prediction, JBL bleeds.

JBL attacks Finlay right at the bell and they brawl outside. Back in and Finlay hits a reverse Earthquake splash for 2. Finlay rolls out and finds all kinds of stuff under the ring to play with. Why do the ring crews always leave their kendo sticks under there? JBL ups the ante by tossing the ring steps in the ring! He should grab Horsnwoggle and us him like a bat. JBL tries to pildrive Finaly on the steps but is backdropped instead. Cookie-sheet damage follows. JBL comes back though and treats Finlay like he’s a ROH guy caught alone in the shower. But then Hornswoggle saves his dad with a kendo shoot! Finlay props up a table in the corner. JBL roll outside and slaps that midget out cold! While JBL’s still outside, Finlay does the Chris Benoit spot where he dives like a torpedo outside, only to be hit but a trashcan lid! More midget violence ensues:

JBL goes for Hansen’s lariat, but see he’s not Hansen cause Finlay ducks and throws JBL thought the propped up table for a 2 count. Finlay tries to press slams the steps onto JBL, but it’s all goes horribly wrong, and JBL ends up hitting the Wall Street lariat for the 3. Too much Sports entertainment-ness, but still a fun opening match. I was hoping for a mini-JBL (Spanky?) to roll out from under the ring, but no dice. **3/4

TO THE BACK! Diva flunkie #34 talks about the MITB ladder match when Ken Kennedy starts yelling right in her face, then leaves.

2. Money-In-The-Bank Ladder Match IV: (John Morrison Vs. Carlito Cool Vs. Shelton Benjamin Vs. C.M. Punk Vs. Ken Kennedy Vs. MVP Vs. Chris Jericho) - You know, it would’ve been great if they put all the guys who failed the Wellness policy during that big bust last year, and then the winner gets one strike taken off their record. Speaking of Wellness Policy, Jeff hardy isn’t in this match.

Right at the bell everyone but MVP rolls out and starts picking up ladders. Carlito brings in a ladder but MVP steals it and then boots him out. MVP starts knocking everyone out of the ring like it’s a game of King of the Mountain. In a Russo/Freudian moment Jericho brings in a bigger ladder. It’s a ladder joust! That was awesome. Morrison climbs to the top with a ladder and while holding the ladder FUCKING MOONSAULTS OFF THE TOP ROPE TO THE OUTSIDE!!! That was insane. He didn’t land pretty either. Kennedy tries to sneak in but Jericho stops him. He tries the Liontamer but can’t get it, so settles on sling-shooting him into the ladder. Kennedy lands right on the ladder however and quickly starts climbing. Morrison jumps on the ladder next. Shelton climbs up too and ends up hitting a flip-powerbomb on Kennedy, who at the same time suplexes Morrison!! Punk hit’s the Go to Sleep on Benjamin and climbs, but Kenney with a rolling firemans carry onto the ladder! Now Carlito and MVP fight at the top, Carlito gets dumped. Carlito works MVP’s leg, MITB psychology? There's no time for that here, it's spot-spot-spot - rinse-repeat. Carlito climbs up for the win, but come on dude, you ain’t going to win. Shoulda went to TNA. Shelton does that One Night Stand bump again and breaks/bends a ladder/his spine in half on the way down. That was scary. Camera work for this is tremendous by the way. It's a shame Benjamin is Mr. MITB once again but will soon be again regulated only to house shows and Most Underrated year-end awards. That'll teach him to play video games in the locker room.

Morrison climbs but becomes a Walls of Jericho victim on the ladder. Kennedy again tries to sneak a win but no dice. A bunch of bodies start flying and then dropping. The ring is cleared. But as the smoke clears MVP is the only man standing. He starts climbing with a smirk on his face. Suddenly Matt hardy jumps the rail! Security! Twist of Fate off the ladder!!! He doesn’t mention ROH on his way out this time. Two ladders are propped up in a V shape, and it ends up hurting people. Jericho climbs up but gets apple spit in his face and he goes flying. Apple bump!! Everyone’s down again except Jericho who climb. C.M. Punk meets him and they both fight for the briefcase. I think the finish went awry somewhere, but it doesn’t matter as C.M. Punk grabs the suitcase and wins! 10$ says this is just a ploy and McMahon will somehow get the briefcase onto straight-edger Kennedy somehow. ***1/2

Hall of fame is shown. I’m surprised Mike Graham didn’t get more of an ovation, it being Florida and all. Mae Young’s hopped up on drugs again.

3. Umanga Vs. Batista - Looks like this is a Smackdown Vs. RAW match. Umanga shows his athleticism early with spins kicks. Fatty Samoan Splash gets 2. Umanga’s works on Batista back., knowing that senior citizens bones are brittle, and their muscles can’t be too great after years of steriods use. See Umanga does his homework. I must be a in a great mood tonight cause this isn’t too bad. Umanga goes lucha and tries a middle rope headbutt but misses! Batista goes for a slam but his back buckles, nearly losing on a near 3 count. Umanga with loud kicks to the back, then it’s back to the Samoan spike. This portion is begging for the crowd to cheer for Batista, but there not into the match. Actually it sounds like their on Umanga’s side. Ha now the crowds booing Batisa in his comeback, this is awesome. Batista gets a (falling on his ass) Demonbomb out of nowhere and gets the 3 count. *1/2

In the back Merryweather is with his posse. There’s got to be at least 20 people there, were talking 0.8 on the Master P scale. Looks like there was a battle royal on Heat before the show. The winner gets a shot at the ECW World title. Luckily the WWE used this to elevate one of their newer superstars, you know that young Kane guy they just brought up from developmental.

4. ECW WORLD TITLE: Chavo Guerrero Vs. Kane – Man Chavo looks like so much like my neighbor it’s scary. Kane with the chokeslam.1..2..3!?!?!? WTF?!?! Look, I know the ECW title doesn’t mean shit Vince. I GET IT! You can STOP trying to prove it now. Didn’t Kane go like 2 hours in a Royal Rumble or something, he couldn’t been winded. Ughhh. DUD

In a commercial Carlito gets attacked by seagulls at a restaurant. I just got the idea of the WWE doing a bunch of skits based on Alfred Hitchcock movies. Like a wheelchair-bound HHH watching the Undertaker carry bodies from his apartment, or the entire crusierweight division replaying “Lifeboat”. Then I remembered the WWE writing team and slapped myself harshly for being so dumb.

That girl from the Disney channel is in the ring and demands everyone STAND up for the make-a-wish foundation. Right at that moment they get a shot of the wheelchair kids, DOH! Well the thought was nice. And now we come to the match I’m looking forward to:

5. Ric Flair Vs. Shawn Michaels - If Flair loses he’s gotta retire! Flair comes out with a Blue Blazer robe. Mind games to start, HBK slaps old man Flair so hard he’s busted hardway. “First blood, brother” says Flair. CHOP FEST!!! HBK gets the advantage and goes uptop, but gets Flair-slammed out! Flair quickly goes top rope too but uh-oh, HBK catches him. No wait, he pokes Shawn in the eye. Flair hits the flying bodypress for 2! Yes, Flair finally got that top rope move off after about 15 years of trying (I think Harley Race voodoo cursed him at Starrcade). Flair gets dumped out and HBK with his Wrestlemania-sized Asai moosault. Flair dives away at the last minute though and HBK hits sternum first on the announcers tables HARD. I mean HARD. HBK’s fucked up, yo. Little Naitch starts the count, come on give him some time. HBK makes it back in and Flairs working the ribs. Back suplex gets a 2 for Flair. Flair goes old school with a double arm suplex for another 2. HBK comes back with a neckbreaker, then dropkicks Flair out. HBK hits a top rope moonsault to the Floor, but slammed himself more into the concrete than on Flair. HBK beating the crap out of himself up.

Back in the ring and CHOP FEST #2 ends with an HBK flying Jalapeno. He manages to painfully kip up then starts his comeback. He hits the top rope elbow! Shawn’s looks really fucked up, legit. He starts tuning up the band. He goes to Superkick, but pauses!?!?! Flair quickly gets a takedown and clamps on the figure-four!!! The crowd’s going crazy! Ya snooze you lose Shawn. HBK manages to reverse it and Flair gets the ropes. They do that Steamboat pinning sequence thing but HBK couldn’t bridge out, he’s hurting bad. Flair goes to work the leg but HBK sunsets flips for a close 2. Flair whips HBK who does a 1/2 Flair flip in the corner. Flair chop-block. Wooooooo! Time to go to school! Figure-four reversed into a small package by HBK.. Only a 2 count! Flair gets the figure four again! HBK finally managed to reverse it but Flair reverses it right back again! Finally HBK makes the ropes. Flair struts cause everything going his way. HE EATS SWEET CHIN MUSIC!! Both guys are down. HBK crawls towards Flair and pins. Only 2! HBK’s having trouble standing. He tunes up the band again. But Flair can’t stand up. Finally HBK goes to pick Flair up. BALL-SHOT BY FLAIR! The ref didn’t see it either cause Flair’s the dirtiest player in the game. Flair crawls over… Only a 2 count!! Out of nowhere HBK gets a figure four! Flair makes the corner and while grabbing for the ropes the turnbuckle falls off. The ref goes to fix it so Flair hits the thumb-to-the-eye on HBK. Roll up gets another super close 2.99 for Flair. CHOP-FEST #3 begins on their knees. Out of nowhere HBK gets another sweet chin music. HBK tunes up the band. Wait he hesitates again. There is a hush in the crowd. Flair gets up and groggily but is ready to fight. HBK says “I’m sorry. I love you….” SWEET CHIN MUSIC #3!!!!!!!! This time there was no hesitation. 1…2…..3. Flair’s career it over.

Like at the end of “Lost in Translation”, HBK whispers something we’ll ever know, kisses Flair’s forehead then leaves. The commentators go all ROH and don’t speak for awhile. And with tears in his eyes Ric Flair stands for the last time in the ring, to 75,000 fans applauding him. With the Sport Entertainment style the only monopoly in town, it is truly and end of an era for wrestling. Thank you Ric Flair, you will forever be THE MAN! ****

6. Playboy Bunny Lumberjill match: Beth Phoenix and Melina (w/ Santino Marella) Vs. Maria and Ashley - I thought they said Bundy-mania for a minute. Snoop Dogg in the house. Hope he serenades the Divas with the song "Bitches Ain’t Shit But Ho’s and Tricks” with Giant Khali taking Dr. Dre’s place. It takes Snoop’s golf cart (Well it IS Florida) about 20 minutes to get to the ring. Snoop gives props to Ric Flair.. Uh-oh Snoop-talk. Dang. I’m too white for this. The Divas surround the ring. If there was ever a time for the TNA Women’s division to jump the rails, now’s the time Awesome Kong. Snoop gets a pimp King of the Ring Chair at ringside.

Anyway, stuff happened in the match. Nothing bad, in fact some good moves, but it doesn’t matter cause there’s no heat. And how could there be after the Flair/HBK match? Suddenly the lights go out! TNA sabotage? Marella interferes and causes Maria the match, but not before receiving a Memphis punch from Lawler. His humiliation continues when Snoop hits him with a clothesline Straight Outta Compton, by gawd! Good one too, at least better than Rodman ever threw. *

7. RAW WORLDS CHAMPIONSHIP: Randy Orton Vs. John Cena (v 2.0) HHH (v 3.0) - Wait, this isn’t the main event? Hmmmm. Heel turn coming up? HHH’s entrance takes 3 ½ minutes. Orton wisely takes out HHH right at the start with a belt shot and it’s 1 on 1 in the ring. HHH comes back though and dumps the other 2 out. HHH and Orton tumble like lovers all over the ECW table. Back in and John Cena picks up BOTH guys up for an FU, but doesn’t get it. Impressive attempt though. Orton grounds both guy and starts stomping away while a “Cena Sucks” chant starts. Lots of boos for Cena already, I’m sure there’s already a topic on DVDVR with someone weeping and gnashing their teeth about it. People don’t like him, accept it and move on with your life. Orton gets that funky middle rope DDT on both guys! He nabs a 3 counts on each. Orton attempts a RKO but Cena dumps him like trash right onto HHH. Cena with the top rope legdrop! Orton says fuck it and tries to leave, but Cena gives chase. Orton manages to use Cena momentum during the run to post him in a neat spot. Cena’s layed out seeing stars. Back in and HHH works on Orton’s leg. Wait Orton with an RKO on HHH! A knocked out HHH rolls out. Orton staggers around and falls right into the STFU!! They steal from WM 20 as HHH prevents Orton’s hand from tapping out. HHH pulls Cena out and slams him against the ring steps. HHH with a neat-looking Indian deathlock kind of thing on Orton but Cena breaks it up. Cena dumps HHH and reapplies the STFU! WM 20 is re-visited again as HHH applies the Crippler Crossface on Cena! Cena makes the ropes, then starts making a comeback. Orlando’s boo’s seem to give him more strength! Both guys counter each other’s big move, until HHH hits the Pedigree! It’s ovah! 1…..2………Suddenly running out from stage right, Orton soccer kicks HHH right in da head! The pin is broken up. Orton collapses on Cena, for the 1,2,3! Orton retains! Wow, big props to WWE letting Orton retain. Another 10$ says they’ll re-do this main event next PPV. Solid match. ***1/2

8. NO-DQ MATCH: The Big Show Vs. Floyd Mayweather Jr. - Ha! I haven’t been watching Raw lately, but the package they play of the build-up for this match is just phenomenal, one of the best I’ve ever seen. Mayweather's supposedly got like 4 billion dollars for this fight but I must dispute that. Big Show’s got a small size advantage here.

Mayweather uses his speed to avoid the Big Show’s soupbones and gets some body shots in. Stick, and move. Stick and move. Just got a flashback from Butterbean/Gunn. Mayweather all cocky and takes a breather in the corner where he sips from a diamond-encrusted chalice. Seriously the thing's like 20 pounds and looks like the Holy Grail. Big Show rushes at him and managed to quickly maul one of his handlers. There’s suddenly fear in Mayweather’s eyes. Uh-oh, Big Show catches on of Mayweather’s punches! He goes to stomp it into confetti but luckily Mayweathers gets free. Damn, if Mayweather loses his hands, he’s only got his Krav Maga and Wing Chun experiences to fall back on. Oh No! Mayweather’s cornered!! No he manages to punches his way out, then clamps a sleeper off the top rope! Big Show’s going out! Big Show managed to flip him over, and Garvin stomps the hand!!! The handlers outside all shit their pant and Mayweather sells his hand better than 60% of the WWE lockerroom. Big Show with the silent chops in the corner! Big Show stands on Mayeather’s back while the manager protests. Mayweather tries some kicks he saw in a Kawada match but it does nothing. Big Show hits a side-walk slam. Finally Mayfeather’s handlers pull his dead carcass out of the ring and signal it’s over. Big Show gives chase and knocks everyone around and drags Mayweather back. Big Show goes for the choke slam but a handler runs in and hits a chairshot! That guy gets chokeslammed but Mayweather picks up the chair and starts raining down chairshots. Somewhere Chris Nowinski slowly shakes his head. Now Mayweather rips off a gold chain from the unconscious handler. It’s got brass knucks! POW!!!!!!!!! Big Show it out! Power of the punch! Mayweather’s been training with Regal! The ref starts the count and Big Show can’t get up in time, it’s ovah!. Mayweather wins!! Mayfeather’s undefeated in boxing AND wrestling! Next stop, MMA. Pretty fun for what it was. Mayweather was great in his role. **1/2

Ahhh shit Coach and Michael Cole’s calling the main event, I hit the mute button. The guest ring announcer is some girl from “Keeping Up with the Cardassians” a show about Star Trek or something.. She announces the attendance as 74,635. Hey I just realized neither tag titles were defended tonight.

9. SMACKDOWN WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP: Edge Vs. The Undertaker – Taker’s entrance last 6 minutes, actually much less than I thought. Edge gets a good-luck kiss from the crippled Vickie Guerrero. Both guys are touted as being undefeated at Wrestlemania. Edge has also never lost to the undertaker. Edge isn’t intimated and starts with punches. But he musta forgot that the Undertaker’s the “Best pure striker in the WWE!!” Taker hits a flying clothesline for 2. Taker works the arm and tries old school early but get arm dragged off. Taker chokes Edge and refuses to break, then intimidates the ref. Taker went for a flying knee in the corner but it turned into a Stinger Splash and Taker tumbles all the way to the floor. Edge hits him while he’s on the apron and Taker flies into the barricade! Outside Edge works the ribs. Taker makes it back in and Edge with corner tackles. Edge goes top rope and decides to channel Manami Toyota cause he gets Flair slammed from the top TO THE FLOOR!!! Crap that was nasty! Not to be outdone, Taker follows with the zombie WM plancha!! Crazy.

Taker with the legdrop on the apron. Last Ride attempt! No wait, he couldn’t pick him up cause of his back. Back outside and Edge back suplexes Undertaker on the rail! Taker’s dumped in the front row. Back inside Edge works the back more with a half-Boson crab. Edge with the monster face!

Taker gets out and a slugfest akin to Takayama/Frye breaks out. Well not quite. Taker hits the ho’ train in the corner then snake eyes! Taker goes for his boot follow-up but Edge hits a surprise dropkick for 2! Edge has done his homework it seems. Taker goes for a chokeslam but Edge counters with a DDT!! Edge goes for the spear but loses some teeth hitting Taker’s boot. CHOKESLAM STRAIGHT TO HELL BY GAWD!!!!!!! Only 2!?!?!?? Taker goes old school again but gets crouched. Edge hits a suplerplex! Taker comes back and nearly gets the Last Ride but Edge squirms out and hits a neckbreaker! Only 2.

Taker finally gets the Last Ride and collapses. Only 2?! Tombstone! No Edge counters it into the X-Factor. Only 2 again. Taker finally hits old-school. Taker goes for big boot but hits the ref. Edge talks shit so Taker zombies up, but Edge kicks him square in the balls. Edge wanders outside. He grabs a camera and smacks Taker. They should’ve done a reply with that camera's angle on. Edge paws at the dead ref. He slightly grazes the ref's arm, and the ref proceeds to do an unconscious bump to the outside. Taker gets up and hits the Tombstone! No ref! Wait! Charles Robinson sprints the quarter mile to the ring! He counts….. but only 2!?!? Here come Edge’s cronies. Taker quickly dispatches them with a chokeslam. But Edge hits the spear! Only 2!?? Edge cries. Spear #2. Wait Undertaker with the Triangle choke! No wait he’s got the head tucked down so I guess it’s the google-platta thing all the kids are talking about nowadays. Edge taps! Holy shit, he Nick Diazed him! Didn’t see that finish coming. And that’s that. 16-0. Taker celebrates while fireworks injure 40 fans. ***1/2

Except for Flair/HBK nothing earth shattering. But I really enjoyed the show top-to-bottom!

WM 24 Grade:

Total star rating: 22.25

Total matches: 9

Show Average: **1/2