Nobuhiko Takada & Kiyoshi Tamura v Dan Severn & Gary Albright

[Guest TheShawshankRudotion]

In an effort to not get any work done, I am watching Takada/Tamura vs. Dan Severn/Albright 8/13/93. I am in the mood for the grappleARTS, and UWF-i tends to do the job nicely. If you want the short and sweet of it, go to the bottom and read the italics. If you want to read about the greatest love story of our time, read all.

 

The wrestlers are introduced. Severn and Albright really are the greatest gay team that never was gay. Severn, of course, the wrestling equivalent of Freddy Mercury during the 80's. Albright, the prototypical big gay man who prefers big gay love. They both would be found at The Ironman bar, but they wouldn't be interested in one another - Albright, despite being husky, wants to be cuddled and loved; Severn, the flashier and much more openly homosexual of the two, just wants to straight up fuck - which is why they make such a good team.

 

Now, I myself am not gay. Despite questionable tastes as a child that, if had today would totally make me gay (at least, in the cliched characterization of a gay person... I fucking loved the Footloose soundtrack and "let's hear it for the boy" fer chrissakes... rather than the sexual tense), I -today- am still interested in women. And in particular, as a white male, have a particular interest in Asian women... as all white men do. I tend to find atleast 90% of the Asian women I see to be very attractive. Which would have to be the highest percentage of attractive women of any race. I am from the east coast of Canada, we don't get many Asians let alone Asian women there (and although PEI _is_ a Japanese tourist destination, it is moreso the Central North Shore region where tourists flock (there are street signs in English, French, and Japanese) and not so much the West or East side where I generally have roamed and lived in). So Asian women tend to be more exotic, and there sometimes is a sense of mystery there. My indiscriminate view of Asian women, however, is also applied to the men. I don't exactly know what an attractive Asian man is, or what qualities make up one. I dunno if that's racist or ignorant, but its purely innocent and no offense is meant by it, I just have a WASP perspective on things and only know what I know.

 

But I also know this. Nobuhiko Takada is one sexy bitch. Like, he has to be the most attractive Asian man ever. You know it too, so don't fucking deny it.

 

But Gary Albright tries to. Growing up in a world that doesn't tolerate people of his sexual preference, Albright is ashamed of his homosexuality. He is married, has 2 kids, but he lives a double life. He hangs out at the gay bar in the middle of the night, telling his family that he's playing cards with the boys. At the bar, he never finds what he is looking for. He just sits in an out-of-the-way table and occasionally works up the nerve to talk to someone. Everyone there is happily "out" and free, and every conversation is the same. He thinks he can't identify with any of them, but he can, he just doesn't realize it.

 

He needs to accept who he is, and Severn tells him that as they train together, but he has responsibilities and insecurities. So instead of freeing himself of the weight that is his secret life, he is looking to destroy it. He thinks he could stop being gay if he eliminates all temptations around him. And in the UWF-i, the number one object of his affection is studly Nobuhiko Takada.

 

Meanwhile, young Kiyoshi Tamura is living a secret life himself. He is still discovering who he really is, unsure of where his destiny will take him. Teaming with Takada makes him discover all these new feelings that sort of scares him. He still loves the pussy, but he wonders if there?s something more. Severn sees this confusion and wants to mold confused Tamura into his personal fuck buddy.

 

Takada is completely oblivious to all the homoeroticism and sexual confusion that surrounds him. He wears light purple tights, but doesn?t understand the signals it sends to other men. He is, presumably, distracted by the copious amounts of poon that is offered up by ladies of every variety to notice it.

 

So with the back-story and motivations established, ON WITH THE MATCH!

 

The 4 wrestlers go to the center of the ring where the ref goes over the rules. This builds tension as Albright mouths off to Takada, telling him it?s ?You and me?. Takada, again, is clueless. Not because he?s a straight, but because he?s Japanese and doesn?t understand English.

 

Tamura and Severn start. The crowd is cheering ?Ta-mu-rah?. Severn goes for a single-leg takedown, Tamura puts his other leg over Severn and Dan lifts him up in a firemans carry-esque move and Tamura lands on his feet. Right now, better mat work than 99% of anything done in the WWE and most indies. I will forego the rest of the PBP style because it takes way too long to do. Needless to say, Severn is aggressive and Tamura is hesitant.

 

The mat work and switches is rough. But they still end up where they need to be, which is why it is so much better than whatever tripe indy workers try to do. Severn is an accomplished grappler, and Tamura is starting to bloom into a fantastic worked shooter. So while it is rough and almost looks sloppy, it is still seamless grappling. The action early on is back-and-forth, whenever one guy gets the positional advantage he will quickly go for a submission (which, in turn, gives up the advantageous positioning) and the opponent will escape the submission and then gain the better position. Sub-wise, Tamura is looking for a leg-lock and Severn is looking for a choke. I assume he will then have his way with an unconscious Tamura, but don?t quote me on that.

 

Tamura secures an Achilles lock but Severn, through the power of scurry and flail, manages to escape and somehow get mount and Tamura gives up his back which leads to a choke. Tamura, now realizing the awesome gay power of Severn as well as the erect penis jabbing into his left butt-cheek, rushes for a rope break. For those unfamiliar with UWF-I rules, there is a 21 point system for each team, you can lose points by grabbing the ropes, getting knocked down for a count, or when the ref gives the ?shoot? sign, which means you are in danger of being submitted from a hold. You can lose by KO or submission. It is 21-20 for Severn/Albright.

 

Severn, with his hands out like a bear, corners Tamura and the young Japanese wrestler defends himself with a knee to the groin. As if to say, ?Don?t jab your penis into my cheeks again!?. Severn goes down, and gets up in a daze. I ponder if it is from the physical trauma received on his bits, or the emotional trauma of being rejected.

 

The great thing about UWF-I is the swankawesome suplexes. Severn rushes Tamura against the ropes and when they bounce off he secures and arm and throws Kiyoshi over. That loses Tamurakada a point, they are down to 19. He tries for an Americana but Tamura roles out and is able to get Severns back. I thought I wasn?t going to do PBP. Damn. I?ll try to stop and just watch the damn match now. Tamura is able to take Severn down with a shoulder throw and is able to get a keylock (which is turned into an inverted hammerlock). Severn has to get to the ropes and it?s 19-20.

 

They are both standing and Tamura pushes Severn away. Severn, emotionally beaten from the constant rejection, tags in Albright to unleash the pent up sexual aggression he (Dan) currently is feeling but is unable to convey at the moment. Gary wants none of Tamura and quickly points to Takada and says ?JUST BRING IT!? or at least makes the hand gesture that accompanies the saying. The camera is over the Americans corner, it is a pretty far-away shot, and as Albright is making the ?Me and you, not him, I want you? gestures it QUICKLY ZOOMS IN ON TAKADAS FACE. That is an AWESOME camera move. The crowd is hot for it and cheers the tag.

 

Albright rushes Takada into the corner and aggressively works some body shots. Takada returns the favour and clearly is the better striker. He overwhelms Gary. Gary makes a quick tag to Severn. If Gary is to destroy Takada, it must be on his terms. It must be with the grappleARTS. I like how they sell the pain as if the match is real, rather than it being a wrestling match. There are more dramatics involved in a wrestling a match, while a ?real fight? it?s a lot more subtle and internal.

 

The crowd is so good. Takada has Severn in a cross-armbar position, but they don?t believe it because it?s too early in the match. However, when Takada and Severn grunt when effort is made to finish the fight, they respond. The matwork, again, is a lot less intricate and convoluted as the stuff you normally see. It is a lot more realistic that way. They clearly haven?t rehearsed any of the moves, and instead are doing it by ear, giving and taking when appropriate. Hey, isn?t that? wrestling? Anywho, it?s 19-19 now.

 

Severn fares much better with Takadas strikes, he is able to block more effectively and catches some of Takadas kicks and takes him down. They actually work a boston crab spot in as well, and it doesn?t look as inappropriate as one might think. Takada and Dan don?t work as well as Dan and Tamura did, the mat work is not as quick. But, I am going to assume its because Severn respects Takadas skills too much and doesn?t want to make a mistake.

 

What I really love about this style is that if you make a mistake, it?s ok. If you fall when trying to hook a leg, it?s ok, you can turn it into something else. It is always changing. Tamura comes in and picks Dan up with a doubleleg scoop and puts him down and keeps a hold of one leg and tries to turn it into a single leg crab, falls, but holds on to the leg and Dan is able to position himself in a way where Tamura could switch into an armbar. Dan gets out and tags in Albright.

 

Gary comes in and doesn?t bother with the theatrics of calling out Takada and decides to take on Tamura. Here he can really out-power the smaller wrestler. Tamura tries for the same scoop he did on Dan but Gary is way too big and he bails before really committing himself to the move. Tamura tries to use his quickness to escape Albrights grasp when they get in close. He spins and tries for the shoulder throw that worked on Severn, but again, Gary is too big and gets his back. The crowd knows a big suplex is coming and is getting a lil wild.

 

The mat work is slow between the two. But whereas Severn was slow with Takada because he respected Nobuhiko?s skills, Albright is slow with Tamura because he is much bigger and is effectively moving his weight around. It?s just a matter of time before Gary can fuck Tamura up, so he isn?t rushing anything. He is controlling the pace. Tamura tags in Takada after a choke attempt from Gary forces him to the ropes (18-19 now).

 

Albright is much calmer now and is able to stand with Takada. He delivers some nice knees to Takadas body. Gary actually grabs a leg and picks Takada up into a sideslam. They work in the pro wrestling moves really well and naturally, but it?s still a lil off-putting. Takada grimaces in pain and clutches his ribs. The count is on. The crowd sees the pain and react. Albright has a look of ?oh no, is he hurt? Did I hurt him??? on his face.

 

Takada gets up, hits Albright with a kick, Gary catches it, and Takada rolls through into a leg lock. Awesome. It is now an ankle lock. For some reason Takada doesn?t apply any pressure to it, releases the hold, and tries for something else. I will assume it is because Gary was close to the ropes and would have broken it, and Takada wants to finish the fight rather than win on a technicality. But that is all proven wrong as he gets another heel hold on and Gary makes it to the ropes.

 

Albright, again, has had enough of Takada and tags in Severn. The crowd BOO?s.

 

Severns strategy is to get his opponents back and bring them to the mat where he can fondle and penetrate them. His grappling holds becomes tender embraces. Dan knows who he is, he is content with who he is. Takada, again, is oblivious to the cast he spells over other men.

 

Tamura and Severn have really good chemistry and trade holds really well. Severns striking, much like in MMA, is shit. Severn does an awesome german suplex where he actually struggles to get Tamura over.

 

Albright comes in, bodylocks Tamura and throws him over for a SWEET belly2belly. Goddamn, Albright rules. They tease the dragon suplex, but Tamura gets out. They are picking up the intensity, the crowd gets it and becomes hotter. Tamura is able to get a single leg crab and drags Albright into the centre of the ring and really starts to put the pressure on, ROARING when he?s applying the hold. Tamura is finding his way, and with his new-found confidence he is saying to the conflicted Albright, ?BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!? Tamura is strong and heterosexual! And tired. He lets go of Albright. Albright is ANGRY. He hears Tamuras words and leads in with a forearm as if to say ?YOU DON?T UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH!! NOBODY DOES!!!? and grabs Tamuras back for a GERMANDEATHPLEX!~ SWEET JESUS! Tamura is DEAD. FEEL~! Gary?s pain. The count is on, it is 8-16.

 

Takada tags in. They do some clinch work, Takada attempting another rolling leg lock but Gary defends. Takada works some nice knees. The break, Takada delivers a left mid kick which connects but Gary also catches it and takes Takada down. Albright takes Takadas back and tries for a german, but really, he is professing his love for Takada. But Takada resists, because Takada thinks it is a fight, and this enrages Albright. He clubs Takadas back and picks Takada up and delivers ANOTHER Germandeathplex. Albright RULES!.

 

While Takada is laying prone on the mat, Gary rushes over and rides him. The last defiance Takada made of Garys romantic advances and profession of love put the American over the edge. Whereas before Albright looked on almost in regret of causing Takada pain - of questioning whether or not destroying Takada would make the feelings go away- now Albright is convinced that his homosexuality was never meant to be. He applies the full nelson and locks his hands. The crowd is cheering ?TA KA DA?. He struggles to get up, and it shows on his face. It is a catch 22. The only way Takada can break the hold is to get up, but if he gets up he leaves himself open to a dragon suplex. Takada stays down and lets Gary make his next move. Gary lets go and tries for a submission. He lets go of that and Takada is feeling the wear and tear the big man is putting him.

 

Gary bodylocks and throws Takada over for another sweet b2b. He DOES IT AGAIN. AND AGAIN! Albrights Rolling Belly to belly suplexes are a thing of beauty. He puts on a single leg and drives his knee into Takadas back. Nobuhiko has no other choice but to tap. Gary raises both arms and screams in victory. Tamura runs in to check on Takada, cradling his head. Tamura, once confident in his heterosexuality, is back to questioning himself and his true feelings. He wants to take care of Takada, to protect him from the world inwhich he (Takada) is unawareof.

 

Gary Albright has won the match, he beat Takada, but in the end, will that be enough?? Everything has changed. Nothing has changed.

 

Severn hugs Gary and Gary hugs back. Gary thinks it's because Dan realized Gary had conquered his gayness. Dan, after the rejection of Tamura, will take any lovin he can get. The video does not show the aftermath in the lockerroom backstage, so we'll never know.

 

Gay Lovers Quarrel Subtext aside, this was a really fun match. At the time, when the WWE was looking for new wrestlers, I don?t know why they didn?t look towards Takada and Albright, especially Albright. Ok, I do know why, and it fucking sucks that the image the WWE is looking for is so fucking off-base. Albright doesn?t look like a superstar, but he gets the job done and he?s a believable ass kicker. His suplexes are amazing. He?s one of my favourite wrestlers as is Takada. Takada doesn?t speak English and is Japanese, which is two strikes against him, but he would have been awesome as a face in the WWE either working the IC division or against someone like Bret Hart up top (of course, Takada wouldn?t have gone to the WWE because he was leading UWF-I at the time, but a boy can dream)

 

As I said before, Severn and Tamura had really good chemistry. The crowd was digging the conflict between Takada and Albright. They worked some spots really well and learned and adapted within the match. The depth of the match was lacking, there was no grand story, so I had to make one up and it surprisingly worked well and was supported by the in-ring content. Which scares me. Severn threw some really nifty sambo-style suplexes. Though I have never seen a sambo match, I assume they are sambo moves. Albright has the nicest suplexes I have ever seen. Fuck Tazz, Angle, Benoit, and whomever wants to challenge the prince of plex, cause Albright has the crown. Great germans and b2bs. It?s just a shame he didn?t work in the dragon. The striking was a little weak, in general, but I didn?t expect many standing exchanges. The finish surprised me, which is a good thing. This is a very un-WWE match, and ?amazingly? it still works. I?d say ***1/2.