cactus

This wasn't too different from Beefcake's match with Dibiase at last year's Wrestlemania. A basic bout with Beefcake following the lead of a much more talented heel. Perfect bumps all over the place for The Barber's primitive offence. Perfect takes control once The Genius throws Perfect his scroll to knock Brutus out with. Beefcake isn't half bad at selling Perfect's onslaught, but this segment goes on way too long and the finish feels anti-climatic as Beefcake wins after landing a catapult leg toss out of nowhere, sending Perfect face first into the ring post in a spectacular bump. After intervening with Perfect's haircut, the Genius is caught red-headed by Beefcake after gets de-mulleted instead. ★★¼

We start this off with some basic power-based posturing. Hercules works in a brief hope spot as he hits a barrage of clotheslines, which are only able to send Earthquake down to one knee. Herc makes the mistake of going for his backbreaker submission, but is unable to scoop the big guy above his head. A big elbow drop and a Earthquake splash wraps this up in just under five minutes. This wasn't going to win any MOTY awards, but they did everything they set out to do. Earthquake secures a dominant win over an established star, setting him up for much bigger things over the summer. ★★

Haku has to carry the workload for his team as Andre is relegated to standing on the apron and attacking Ax or Smash whenever they come into his reach. The action here is rudimentary and unsophisticated as one would expect. Andre finally enters into the ring as an illegal man and Demolition double clothesline him into his corner. A miscommunication by the heels sees Andre getting himself tied up in the ropes and Demolition hit their finish on Haku to a monster ovation. Andre gets chewed out by Bobby Heenan after the match and Andre starts slapping him around before leaving on his own as the crowd cheer him on. This was an abysmal match with a good finish and a truly bittersweet post match. ★★

Koko shines in this high energy (hah) opener. The audience quiets down once Martel takes control, but are right back to cheering their asses off once Koko makes his comeback after a failed Boston Crab attempt by The Model. Koko is a solid hand at being an over jobber-to-the-stars and Martel looks comfortable doing his campy gimmick, complete with big facial expressions. Martel locks on his crab and scores the first victory of the evening. This was here to give Martel some more momentum and to warm up the crowd, without burning them out without too much excitement. ★★¼

Savage is the master of mind games and heel psychology, and Hogan is a pro at working the crowd with his hammy theatrics, so this worked a treat. Hogan is able to do a serviceable job keeping up with Savage when they trade holds, but the real meat of this main event is the drama involving Miss Elizabeth. Savage uses her as a human shield and this gets a shocked reaction from the crowd. She was fantastic in this and made this feel like a huge spectacle. Eventually she ejected from ringside and Savage takes control of Hogan. Hogan kicks out of Macho's finish and does his Hulk-up to win back the strap. ★★★½

I didn't think the Red Rooster was that bad of a gimmick. He's just a guy with a wacky nickname and even wackier haircut. That was until I saw poor Terry Taylor's hilariously bad clucking pre-match promo. Heenan brings out The Brooklyn Brawler as muscle, but he doesn't do anything of note. Heenan tries to play chickenshit, but Rooster grabs him and pins him in 30 or so seconds after Heenan misses a corner splash. I'm sure Heenan and Taylor could of work a fun and campy wrestler vs non-wrestler bout, but this wasn't that and was just a waste of time. DUD

Even more pointless filler! Jim Duggan calling Bad News Brown a 'son of a bitch' was the only highlight here. Brown works over Duggan's head, but it's useless as Duggan has no brain (Ventura's words, not mine!). Brown misses a Ghetto Blaster and gets nailed with a Duggan charge. Brown grabs a chair, and Duggan grabs his 2 x 4 in defence. They wail on each other as the referee has no choice, but to throw this out. At least this was short. ½★

I've seen this touted as one of Warrior's best matches, but I thought it was just okay. Rude bumps his ass off trying to make Warrior look like a killer, but Warrior kills the match by locking in bearhug and keeping it locked in for a good few minutes. Rude tries to escape by poking the eyes, but the referee stops him. Rude finally escapes by biting the roided-up homophobe, and he returns the favour. The finish of Heenan pulling Warrior's leg down was smart, but poorly executed as Warrior's leg was clearly still on the ropes. All the working parts from Heenan to Rude to even the referee did their job of stopping Warrior from stinking up the place. ★★

More filler, but at least this is an opportunity to see Bret Hart. Honky lands his finisher early, with little fanfare and build-up, but decides to tag Valentine in lock on a Figure 4. Bret counters and tags in Neidhart and he cleans house. Hart Foundation score the win after intercepting Jimmy Hart's megaphone when he was trying to throw it to the heels. The Hart Foundation looked motivated, whilst Honky and Valentine look like they were just out there for another paycheck. Fine for what it was, but this event would be a lot more palatable if they trimmed off the pointless filler matches like this. ★★

This was just sad. Big John Studd was the guest referee and he looked like he wishes he was elsewhere and Andre looks mentally spent as well as physically broken. Andre pulls off the turnbuckle cover when Roberts is making his entrance. He immediately drags Robert's head into the buckle to take control. What follows is one of the most slowest and plodding matches in Wrestlemania history. After slapping and choking Roberts at a snail's pace, Roberts tails it out off the ring once Dibiase tries to steal Damien. Roberts gets him back and sets him free in the ring, sending a terrified Andre to the back. DUD

This is Strike Force's return after Martel spent some time on the shelf. Arn and Tully are masters of isolating Santana from getting a tag, although that should come as no surprise. Tito accidentally hits Martel with a forearm and this causes Martel to eventually walk out on his partner. It's a cool angle and I'm sure it was shocking at the time, but this left me wanting to see a Strike Force vs Brainbusters get a good 15-20 minutes and tear the house down. Instead we get a satisfying heel turn and a one-sided match with some excellent heel tag team psychology peppered in. ★★¾

A quick squash for Bravo to build up some momentum. He still looks the shit in this three minute match by looking incredibly awkward and clumsy. Garvin is able to mount a small comeback after laying in a nice and snug forearm smash, but is eventually cut off and Bravo lands his abysmal side suplex finish. Garvin lays into Frenchy Martin after the bell. Not much to say about this. ★

This looked better on paper. I was expecting a smash-face slugfest in front of a hot crowd. What we got was a solid no-frills match with an audience sitting on their hands. Ax gets worked over, and makes the hot tag to Smash once Fuji screws things up by missing a move from the top. Fuji doesn't exactly do too much. He tries to salt his former team, but his plan get foiled and he eats Demolition's finisher to lose the match. ★

It's eerie watching Owen rock the Blue Blazer gimmick considering what happened, but he puts in a hell of a shift with Mr. Perfect as both make their Wrestlemania debuts. The action is fast-paced and we see all kinds of suplexes, powerslams and a variety of high-risk moves. Blazer eats some knees in a nasty spot when Perfect counters his top rope splash. Even though it's clear that this is just here to elevate Perfect, they really make the most of the six minutes that they're given. ★★¾

I was going to say that it's good to see that they give the matches on this Wrestlemania more time to breath than the previous show, but that was before I had to sit through a near 10 minute Bushwackers match. Rougeaus are good usually, but they struggle to mesh with their opponents and it leads to a nothing filler bout. The Rougeaus make the mistake of celebrating too early and get hit with the Bushwacker Battering Ram for the embarrassing loss. Dreadfully boring stuff. The only saving grace here is we get to hear the Rougeaus incredible theme song. ½★

They keep it simple here. Dibiase sticks to the cowardly heel wrestler playbook by stalling and posturing. Beefcake sticks to only using punches and the most basic on manoeuvres. Both guys are over, so it works even though it's not all that exciting. I'm less keen on the double countout non-finish. Beefcake gets his hands on Virgil during the post-match, until Dibiase grabs his manservant and legs it out of there. ★★

Bossman, Michaels and Jannetty all make their Wrestlemania debuts in a hidden gem of a tag match. They play on the big and powerful versus small and quick dynamic well. The Rockers are able to chip away at the unfortunately named Twin Towers by moving around the ring quickly and by using some creative double team moves. Jannetty is hit with a stiff Akeem lariat and they work a brief FIP segment into this frantically-paced match. Bossman catches one of the Rockers flying off the top rope and hits an amazing spinning powerbomb to win. Check this out if you haven't before. ★★★¼

Hercules is free from Bobby Heenan's family and is working as a face now. He gets a good reaction as he fires away at Haku. Eventually Haku cuts him off and works him down as in a bearhug and the audience loses interest. They get a decent amount of time for an undercard match and the finishing stretch is cool at least. Herc is caught by a superkick as he dives off the top rope, Haku misses a headbutt and Hercules secures the victory with a bridging back suplex. ★★

Andre is back in Dibiase's corner and as soon as he attempts to cut off Savage, the crowd immediately start chanting for Hogan and await his eventual appearance. Savage attempts an early elbow drop, but misses. The crowd go apeshit for this and it's clear that they are ready to move on from Hogan as champion. Hogan eventually comes in and lays out Dibiase with a chair as the referee is busy with Andre and allows Savage to win. Savage hoists Elizabeth in the air and celebrate in a picture perfect moment, only soured by Hogan coming in and trying to steal some of the glory. A fun and satisfying end to a piss-poor Wrestlemania. ★★¾

A decent enough match hindered by a burnt out audience. Ax and Smash look the part and do a good job of being big bullies, cutting off the much quicker team of Martel and Santana. Demolition look cool as hell and even receive some cheers when they steal the win as Mr Fuji hands them his cane to use as a weapon. If this show was 30-60 minutes shorter, I'm sure this bout would of been better received. ★★¼

Savage's next roadblock keeping him from the finals in One Man Gang. This is yet another predictable match with a dodgy finish. Seriously, six out of the sixteen matches on this show end in either a DQ or a count out. This isn't a good either, it's thankfully kept mercifully short. Savage does a good job at putting over Gang's size and power. Savage using Gang's beard to do his flying rope guillotine was a neat spot. Gang gets himself DQ'd by trying to use Slick's cane. Crap. ¾★

Islanders, Bulldogs and Koko bring the workrate, whilst Bobby Heenan brings the hammy comedy by coming to the ring in a protective suit to protect him from the Bulldog's mascot. Jesse Ventura says that Brain looks like 'a chinaman' in his suit. Fucking hell. Tamu bumps all over the place to start things off, and takes a big catapult spot over the ring post and to the outside. Dynamite's back is seriously damaged by this point, but he's still able to hold his own and keep up with the energetic pace. Heenan tags in and shows the world at what an underappreciated seller he is by bumping his ass off. Heenan pins Koko after using his padded suit as a weapon and splashing Koko with the Islander's assistance. The Bulldogs get the last laugh by chasing Bobby down with Matilda. One of the best matches of the night, but that's not exactly high praise. ★★½

Honky is no Misawa in the ring, but he knows how to give the crowd all they need to get them to react. Sadly, Beefcake isn't much of an opponent and this has yet another cheap finish as Jimmy Hart knocks out the referee as Beefcake has his sleeper hold locked in. Beefcake makes himself look stupid by celebrating like he's won the title even though the bell hasn't rung. There's nothing worse than making your babyfaces look dumb. Beefcake doesn't win the championship, but he gets the disqualification win as well as giving Jimmy Hart a unwanted haircut. It's at this point when the show is really starting to lose me. ★½

Yet another match that is hindered by it's predictability, even the crowd seem to be getting burnt out by this point. Valentine and Savage work an average match together, with Savage countering Valentine's Figure 4 with a small package to achieve the victory. It was a nice touch to the overarching story that Savage had a much tougher time reaching the finals when compared to Dibiase's relatively brisk two quick wins. ★½

After the events of the previous match, Dibiase has to go at this one on his own. He carries Muraco in this with his bumping and selling. Dibiase catches Muraco off-guard and lands a Stun Gun to advance cleanly to the finals. It's good to let your heels show that they can score some wins every now and then without having to bend the rules. Decent enough, but this struggle to be engaging by being so damn predictable. ★★