Jingus

Thanks for resuming these, Loss. Three questions: This was the "Kerry hid his blade in his robe and ended up slashing his arm open before even starting the match" incident, right? Did these shows actually run, and did they make tape? To my knowledge this match didn't happen, is the reason why covered in the upcoming issues?

And the exact same thing happened to the WCW roster's gear after Russo took over. Was the guy viciously attacked by a rogue box of Crayolas when he was a kid? He just seems to hate bright colors.

Yeah. Jeff's completely stoned and cutting a lousy marble-mouthed promo, while Matt is stuffing his face and whining about Lita. They couldn't have planned it any better to nail their most infamous tendencies.

IIRC, the straw that broke the camel's back there was when they first debuted the wellness policy. Orton allegedly walked around the locker room openly smoking a joint, apparently thinking the rules didn't apply to him. Weird that you used to hear these Orton stories all the time, but not so much anymore. I can't imagine that they'd keep covering up for that level of misbehavior in the post-Benoit PG era, so he must have matured at least a little bit and not been such an asshole anymore.

He's above Ventura, sure, Jesse just wasn't there long enough to make an in-ring impact before he retired. But Heenan? He did tons of stuff outside of his commentary. He managed all the top heels for nearly a decade, filmed endless comedy sketches and talk shows and other ancillary material, and wrestled a surprising number of matches for an old manager with a bad neck. Anyway, as shown by the Harley Race inclusion, this isn't all about just their WWE exploits. Harley had one fairly brief run as a mostly-midcard heel which lasted only about a year. I'd say his incredibly high place on the list is more likely due to his years as a promoter and trainer in his unofficial developmental territory, along with always being willing to show up for whatever legends stuff the company wanted him for. I mean, dude let Randy Orton spit right in his face, that's gotta be worth some cred. And anyway, Gorilla's part of WW(W)F/E history is cemented with him being one of Vince's backers when he bought the company from his father, not so much due to his in-ring career in the glory days. There were plenty of top performers in the 60s and 70s who are missing from the list.

Something terribly odd I just noticed this last time: where the fuck is Bobby Heenan? Monsoon's on there, so you'd figure the Weasel would be a shoe-in. Then again, he's got his own DVD coming out soon, so maybe they excluded him because of that. But it's still odd, and Jesse Ventura ain't on there either. Yeah. Funny little stuff like how every babyface who ever main evented Wrestlemania (not counting celebrities) is on the list, except for three guys: Benoit is the first, and as previously mentioned his absence is understandable. But the others are Warrior and Diesel, and it's good for a chuckle to see how much the office currently dislikes those guys. And then there are the "hey, if they've got This Guy, why not That Guy?" comparisons. Curt Hennig opens up plenty of them, as do some of the undercarders like Jake and Rude. I could see arguments for everyone from both British Bulldogs to Lou Albano to Kerry Von Erich to, heck, to Don Muraco or Tito Santana or Adrian Adonis or Jim Duggan or Stan Hansen or Ivan Koloff or Bam Bam Bigelow or someone like that. On a similar note, one could make an argument that Bobo Brazil merits a spot. He paved the way for Ernie, and was certainly the first black main eventer in the WWWF. Also, Jericho tweeted this:

I've heard AJ swear. I was at a restaurant with him and some other dudes after a TNA show, and he was discussing his reputation for never cursing. He said that during a close football game where his home team was losing, he'd scream "aw, fuck me, fuck me!" and similar epithets. I somehow balled up enough to ask him if he said those things in bed with his wife, and he said "no, she'd just say "okay, get out of me right now" if I did that". He's just a Georgia cracker redneck, so it's no surprise if he holds cranky old-fashioned opinions about teh gheys.

For some of these guys, I find myself wondering what they'll choose for their match. Gorgeous George being the most obvious one; does he even have any matches which aren't black & white? Rogers's footage would be similarly limited. Thesz wrestled longer and in more places, but you'd probably still have to dig pretty deep to find a match with him that the WWE owns. I assume they control the copyrights to Vince Sr's old Capitol Wrestling tapes, but I don't know how well that stuff has been archived. None of Lawler's best work would be available either, due to the old legal quagmire over the Memphis footage rights. Harley Race being that high on the list is another head-scratcher. I understand he's on good terms with them, but really, putting him above Andre? Curt Hennig seems similarly out of place, way above lots of guys that he shouldn't be beating on practically any level.

Well this is worth a laugh. WWE is putting out a new 3-disk set about the greatest superstars in history. And here's their list: 1. Shawn Michaels 2. Undertaker 3. Steve Austin 4. Bret Hart 5. Rock 6. Harley Race 7. Ricky Steamboat 8. Andre the Giant 9. Rey Mysterio 10. Roddy Piper 11. Eddie Guerrero 12. HHH 13. Gorgeous George 14. Randy Savage 15. Curt Hennig 16. John Cena 17t. Ric Flair 17t. Dusty Rhodes 19. Edge 20. Jerry Lawler 21. Lou Thesz 22. Terry Funk 23. Hulk Hogan 24. Bruno Sammartino 25. Chris Jericho 26. Ted DiBiase 27. Fabulous Moolah 28. Fred Blassie 29. Randy Orton 30. Pat Patterson 31. Iron Sheik 32. Jimmy Snuka 33. Mick Foley 34. Kurt Angle 35. Buddy Rogers 36. Gorilla Monsoon 37. JYD 38. Billy Graham 39. Jake Roberts 40. Big Show 41. Jack Brisco 42. Sgt. Slaughter 43. Kane 44. Nick Bockwinkle 45. Jeff Hardy 46. Dory Funk Jr. 47. Bob Backlund 48. Rick Rude 49. Batista 50. Killer Kowalski I don't even need to make any jokes, they make themselves. Hulk Hogan at #23 is the most obvious one, but there's plenty of LOLWHUT material here.

I still chuckle at one year's PWI 500 issue, when the editors said something to the effect of "well, at least this year we had fewer indy workers who listed their appearances on Jerry Springer as career high points in their mail-in bios".

I worked a bunch of shows where he did that gimmick. At one point he was taken to the ring in handcuffs, and had a "parole officer" who unlocked him so he could wrestle, then cuffed him again after the match was over. His catchphrase was "I'm gonna take yo cornbread, sucka".

Ditto. I find the show painful in a nearly physical manner. Unless they do something particularly stupid even by their standards, or if I run into one of the few remaining defenders of that company, I don't even bother complaining about them anymore. What's left to say? TNA doesn't even make any new mistakes, they keep fucking up in the exact same ways over and over again.

Yeah, that's no secret. Hell, on my old indy fed's local TV show, we once aired a vignette where we referenced an inside joke about how Ryder paid off some of the local prettyboys to do certain things. Playing games of Strip Ski-Ball, if I remember correctly. And countless other things which never got mentioned publicly. Hell, I remember Dames Gonzalez once telling me he knew all about Bob because he knew a guy who worked in Ryder's NYC travel office and willingly spilled the beans on all the shit he got up to. So it's not like this is deeply hidden insider knowledge of the "why does Vince hate Macho Man so much?" level of esoteric obscurity.

I'd be surprised if Delirious has to work a day job. He's the booker and head trainer for the biggest indy in the country; that's pretty much a full-time career. Cary Silken's pockets are surely deep enough to pay that guy a living wage. And that's not even counting any outside bookings he might be taking. Yeah. However, it does present a tough choice when filling out applications and attending interviews. Do you tell them that you're a wrestler? In theory you need to, since you've got to explain why you need all those nights and weekends free. But on the other hand, a huge percentage of this society thinks wrestling is a disgusting joke, and you're overall probably less likely to be hired if you mention that.

That's completely different from what we're talking about. That would be more like a wrestler stooging off what the finish of a PPV main event is going to be, and of course that's something which almost never happens. To be comparable, there would have to be some kind of "if we find out you're posting on message boards about anything related to television shows, then you're fired" attitude for it to match the hostility which wrestling shows towards the idea of "exposing" a business which has already been overexposed for years and years now. That's a better example, but I would first ask exactly what they were saying. Was it "that faggot referee made a bad call and now I'mma kill his children!", or was it people being punished for making logical points in a reasonable fashion? I know, but a lot of that is pretty selfishly motivated. Why would they want you to keep quiet? Because something you say might hurt them, obviously. Now, it would be one thing if you were leaking security information or something like that. "By the way, the alarm always has a ten-minute window when it turns off at midnight, and the back door never completely locks all the way" or something like that. Or if you're working with some kind of specific proprietary information, like plot twists on a show which haven't aired yet or the secret processes behind how a company does its stuff. But aside from cases like that, most of the "don't tell anyone or else!" cases seem to boil down to the employer doing some stupid shit and not wanting anyone else to find out about it. Like, I'm sure Walmart isn't happy about all those sites where employees share their stories about what an unethical company it is. In situations like that, I've got zero sympathy for the company. Legitimate whistleblowers aren't celebrated and protected nearly enough in our society. And it's especially silly when you consider that these ROH kids are hardly some full-time employees making a living. They're the ones paying, exchanging their goods (cash) in exchange for a service (wrestling training). Yet the seller is insisting that the buyer is not only forbidden to discuss their transaction in any detail, but also isn't allowed to speak out about any other subjects in that entire industry. That's weird. Especially since I'm assuming that the vast majority of trainees will never be signed to work ROH's main shows anyway.

Nope, neither one of those. (Man, for a reputed lesbian, Lindsay sure does burn through a lot of male models.) No, Petey was the young guy in the later sets of nude pictures that Lindsay did for whatever hipster magazines. Here, this is him (NSFW): http://vinylandvodka.com/2009/12/lindsay-l...-muse-magazine/ I find it fitting that even in a fashion shoot, the passed-out wrestler ends up with someone drawing on him with a magic marker. Also, as you look at those photographs, just keep in mind that this is a kid who was such a flippy-floppy X Division mark that he bought a pair of AJ Styles's tights off Ebay and wore them in his second match, despite the fact that they barely fit him. And he used a Buff Blockbuster for a finish. Wrestling, man. It brings all kinds of people out of the woodwork.

Yeah, and filmmakers hate movie critics and dismiss them as nothing but a bunch of bitter old farts who are jealous because they couldn't become filmmakers themselves. It's certainly not limited to just wrestling. But wrestling seems to proudly scream that attitude from the rooftops in a much more aggressive fashion than practically any other vocation. I'd say the vast majority of wrestlers I've ever met have a smug and condescending attitude towards the internet and smarks in general, and there's a large minority who are openly hostile towards the whole scene in a really angry manner. Of course, plenty of wrestlers just seem to hate all the fans in general. Like, take for example any time a wrestler has leaped into the crowd and expected all the marks to get out of his way. How fucking retarded is that? You could be flying at some immobile person who can't move in time. I've heard plenty of anecdotes where something bad happened in that kind of situation, and way too many wrestlers (not involved in the incident) said something to the effect of "well the fan should've moved, it was all their fault". It's amazing that wrestling has stayed in its little bubble for so long and not been hit with many more lawsuits than it has, because there have been plenty of openings where a single unfavorable court decision could have had a serious negative effect on the entire industry.

Yeah, Delirious and Daisy being a couple is hardly some deep dark secret. Practically everyone already knows. On the other hand, Delirious does seem like a stickler for kayfabe when it comes to his own gimmick. You never see him making public appearances out of character. Even when he did a shoot interview, he was still wearing the mask and doing the voice. When I think about it, actually, there are a whole bunch of masked Americans who are very closemouthed when it comes to their real selves. PWG and Chikara are both full of dudes in masks, who take almost Lucha-like care to maintain that mysterious distance between themselves and the audience.

I don't even have to say anything about the lunacy of a guy who's never wrestled burying another guy because he's never wrestled, that speaks for itself. However, that quoted part bugs me. Look, most people can't be a wrestler, or at least not a good one. Even the fat guys doing comedy gimmicks tend to have athletic backgrounds. Most people's bodies aren't physically capable of standing up to that level of abuse. Take me for example. I'm a pudgy dude with bad cardio, bad back, bad ankles, and all that on top of a mild case of Cerebral fucking Palsy. It's a goddamn miracle that I got so far in the ring as I did, having a few comic-relief tag matches or wrestling girls or whatever other sideshow bullshit. I never had the slightest chance of being a serious wrestler, and I think the majority of civilians out there have their own health issues which would keep them from getting in the ring even if they'd wanted to. So the "if they knew anything about wrestling, they'd lace up the boots" mindset is one I've got good practical reason to be violently opposed to.

The old "you don't know shit if you haven't been in the ring" attitude is fucking retarded. And I say that because I have been in the ring. Being involved does tend to change your outlook on a whole lot of things, but it doesn't make anyone else more stupid than you just because you've taken some bumps and they haven't. I've met plenty of wrestlers who were dumber than a bag of rocks, yet were still convinced that they were goddamn Eddie Graham when it came to the psychology of the business. And it's not even the avocational weekend warriors who firmly believe they know it all. I still vividly recall one night when Koko B. Ware cornered me and some other local guys in the back, and proceeded to give an us incredibly long-winded Remedial Psychology lecture. "And when you beat on that babyface, you gotta really beat 'em down good, so the people get mad at ya!" and other first-day-of-class shit like that. I was managing a team called the Backwoods Brawlers, and they were every bit as bright and talented as their name suggests, but even those guys were giving each other weird looks like "uh, yeah, we know this stuff already". But you know what the worst part is? I've met guys who didn't know this stuff. I still remember one Nashville kid named Petey, who was physically competent in a skinny-indy-kid sort of way, but had absolutely no clue when it came to laying out a match. He was one of those guys who stole moves he saw in the X Division which were stolen from the superindies which were stolen from Japan. And he actually once brought some wrestling action figures into the locker room and played with them under the bewildered stare of the older guys. More than once after his match, during intermission I had to pull him aside and politely but firmly offer a few specific pieces of advice. "Petey, your punches make the Rock look like Dick Murdock, just throw forearms until you figure out how to work a good punch." (I didn't actually say that part, cuz I just know he would've said "Dick who?") Me, the fucking announcer doing this, because none of the local workers wanted to waste their time on him. Well, Petey kept sucking and never became a great wrestler. But he did become an international male supermodel and ended up as Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend. So, uh, yeah I really don't know where I was going with that story, it sure as hell didn't end with a fitting moral.

On another board, I was talking with a kid who just started training at the ROH school. Apparently on the very first day, they sat all the new students down and basically ordered them not to post on wrestling forums anymore. The kid was scared enough that he didn't go into detail, so I don't know if they meant it like "the internet is dumb and everyone on the internet is wrong", or just a more prosaic "don't expose what goes on in our training class". But I certainly have heard plenty of older guys and even lots of younger guys whine about those stupid smarks on the stupid internet. It's a peculiarly dismissive attitude, especially since it lumps all Smart Marks together in one stereotype. To listen to some of these guys, you'd think that every single one of us was not only the fabled virgin living in their parents' basement, but that every smark has identical thoughts on wrestling. Even one brief moment of logical thought can tell you that's not possible, but I've heard far too many angry rants from guys who clearly don't actually surf the net much about Those People and their apparently homogenous hive-mind opinions. Which is... well, c'mon. Just look at the different writing styles and biases of the original Death Valley Driver crew; and that's a bunch of guys whose opinions are much closer to each other than you'll find in some places. Like, Scott Keith and Chris Coey were both wrestling reviewers, but aside from that, their only similarity was that they were both English-speaking white dudes. But back to the trainee kid. I could tell he was legitimately afraid, that he might be found out and then punished or kicked out of training or something. Which is a goddamn ridiculous thing to do to your students. Are actors forbidden to talk about acting on the internet? Of course not. Are athletes condemned if they speak their mind on their particular sport? Hell no. But wrestling still obsessively clings to the final shreds of the carny kayfabe, even in the most internet-friendly promotion on the freaking planet. It's an astounding bit of hypocracy to think that this is the same company which produced several million shoot interviews, but they sternly warn the young boys Don't Expose The Business.

I forgot Vachon was still alive, yeah he counts. But does the WWA really count as a "world" belt? That territory was smaller and more regional than the either the AWA or WWWF. Except for one weird exception in Korea, every single WWA title change took place in southern California, mostly in Los Angeles. And they were only around for about a decade anyway. What world belt did he have? The usual sources only list a few obscure foreign titles.

Yeah, Gagne by far. He, Bruno, and Dory are the only guys still alive who won any major American "world title" before the 70s. Unless I'm totally forgetting some asterisk champion, of course.

Heck, I didn't even know he was still alive. I haven't seen many Carpentier matches, maybe a dozen at most, but he was obviously a really talented guy. He could take a relative slug like Killer Kowalski and drag an exciting match out of him.

Realistically, I know that Paris is probably like any other major city: big and crowded and dirty. I didn't seriously expect it to look like a Jean-Pierre Jeunet film. I just wish there was somewhere on earth which did look like that. Actually, for much (if not all) of his WWE run, they said "Belfast, Ireland."Yeah. The WWE frequently seems like they don't give a shit about foreign geography. Like in some of their recent British tours, where they sometimes don't even bother to specify which city they're in. Even with Shelton, they fucked with him a little bit here and there. The most obvious is probably when they gave him a Big Fat Momma who hit people with her purse and had "oh lawd a-mighty" type dialogue, like someone straight out of a Tyler Perry flick. For a while they also did the "LOL it's so quirky to have a black guy with blonde hair" deal, although obviously they didn't push it quite as blatantly as they did back in the Butch Reed days. And he feuded with Kerwin White before the plug was pulled on that gimmick, 'nuff said right there. He was probably saved from even worse treatment just by his gimmick: the whole Team Angle deal established him as a credible college-educated athlete, so they couldn't just turn around and make him into a street thug.