garretta
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I don't see how having two guys portrayed as animals and slobs smearing your ice cream bars all over each other is supposed to sell them as a delicious taste treat, but then again I'm not Vince McMahon, for which I thank heaven every day. Savage and Piper's exchange about the Bushwhackers licking one of Piper's ice cream bars is priceless. To paraphrase: Piper: Even when I'm not fightin', they're always lickin' me. Savage: That's okay, Roddy. It looked like safe ice cream to me! From there, it's off to the Parlor. Percy's great at taunting Jake over Damien's squashing, and Jake rises to the occasion when he finally gets the chance to speak. Part of me wishes that they'd kept Jake face and feuded him with a heel Taker instead of going the other way around, because I could have bought Jake figuring out Percy and Taker's mind games and defeating them, or at least holding them to a standoff. Are we ever actually going to see Lucifer? Maybe they were trying to find just the right snake, although from the way Jake's described him I doubt that there's such a beast in captivity. Judging from Savage's various comments and asides concerning Jake, I'm starting to think that there were plans for a Savage/Jake feud even before Jake officially turned heel. The good thing is that they were on opposite sides of the fence even now, so they could lay the groundwork with Jake still a face and Savage a heel-leaning tweener.
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I would think that Fuji loved this segment, as he and Andre had worked together for many years in the ring for the WWF (and probably elsewhere too). I remember quite a few Coliseum Video matches where Fuji was one of Andre's favorite punching bags, in fact. I wouldn't have minded seeing Andre and the Berzerker as a one-off team, but no one else in Fuji's stable at the time (or ever, actually) was a good fit except possibly Kamala, who Fuji managed for a while in '87 once King Curtis Iaukea left. I guess Jimmy Hart's the only manager we haven't gotten to yet, although I would have liked to have seen Percy make a bid. I guess he was seen as too vital to Taker's act to be put with any other clients, even for an angle like this.
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I wouldn't have paid to see the WBF, but I might have laid down a shekel or two to watch Warrior and Savage in a posedown. Can you imagine Bobby Heenan calling a bodybuilding contest? The WBF pay-per-view was his first official assignment as an honest-to-God "broadcast journalist"; he'd officially retired from managing when he introduced John Tolos as Coach on The Funeral Parlor, which aired over the weekend of 6/15-16.
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Hogan and Beefcake definitely bring out the worst in each other promowise, but I actually thought that the "shave and a haircut" stuff was better than all the crap about the horrors of war and the Hulkamaniacs being lined up to fight for Hogan in case he got hurt. Beefcake talking about Slaughter spraying Agent Orange on the Hulkamaniacs just might have been the worst thing said in a promo since the Iraqi sympathizer angle started. If the line was fed to him, he should have refused to say it. If he came up with it on his own, he should have been ashamed of himself. it's just one more reason why no one cared about The Barber Shop except for the show where the Rockers broke up. I can actually understand Hogan bringing back the war metaphors; he and Sarge were going around the horn with their Desert Storm matches, which even more than Mania VII were supposed to be seen as proxy battles between the United States and Iraq. If you look at it in that light, promos like this make all the sense in the world. Of course, you have to be willing to think like Vince in order to look at it that way, and few people were at this point. Anyone who expects a money promo to be cut during a WWF interview segment that doesn't take place on a ramp with Mean Gene is kidding themselves. You've got a fake mortuary and a fake barber shop, and what's worse, they look fake. The WWF doesn't even try to convince people that these are anything more than cheap interview sets. I've said it a hundred times, and I'll say it a hundred more: They should have brought back Piper's Pit for Superstars and let Gene do interviews for Challenge from the stage.
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Embry has a point: Since when are the Memphis area matches not on tape? Of course, the answer is that they didn't want Embry seen pinning Dundee, by means fair or foul, in a loser-leaves-town match. Embry's laid out every other face in the territory and made them ineffectual, so they need someone to fight him until Lawler gets back, which should be happening soon. So they claim the first match never happened and get it wiped off the books, which is a novel type of screwjob for this feud, and the Dundee/Embry issue can keep running for as long as needed until Lawler's ready to go. Not necessarily fair booking, but smart booking, which hasn't happened often in this whole mess. Embry's whining about the Tennessee referees may be in character, but it sounds ridiculous considering that those same referees and other officials have chosen not to suspend him for all the postmatch attacks he's pulled since he's been in Memphis, not to mention his assault on Eddie Marlin himself a few weeks back, I'm surprised Dave hasn't mentioned this to him during an interview yet.
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For someone whom Vince probably felt obligated to give a job of some sort to after his accident, Beefcake's not too horrible. He needs to learn to stop enunciating like he's cutting a promo, but that will come with time. As long as he's paired with good talkers who have something to say, like Jake does here, he should be fine. I notice that most of his guests going forward will be faces, since he can't get anywhere near a physical confrontation due to the plates in his head. We'll see how that impacts the quality of the segment. I like Jake's positive (though not for a moment upbeat) attitude in the wake of Damien's squashing. He's not going to roll over and let Quake squash him, no sir. He's got a bigger snake, one so big that Beefcake jumps a mile out of his skin when he sees him. Imagine what that could do to a man? After that reaction on your part, Brutus, why would we want to? The stuff about hunted animals having guns gets right to the heart of the matter, like most of Jake's best stuff does; Quake wouldn't have dared squash Damien if Damien had been able to fight back. Simple, yet effective. I've said this before, but it's kind of a shame that Jake will be turning soon. His character may be a natural heel, but if I'd been in his place I'm not sure if I'd have wanted to lose the insane face reactions I'd been getting for the past four years. Only Hogan and Warrior got consistently bigger ones (although Savage came close in '88).
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The best part of the whole segment was the tabloid story about Warrior and Dave's reaction to it. I'm guessing that he was really worried that Vince might try to sue the USWA for defamation over Embry showing the article on TV, which is why he changed the subject as quickly as he did. The match was the typical screwjob finish we've seen a thousand times before, but I'm wondering how or if the ESPN program acknowledged the title change if they didn't show the match due to blood restrictions. I'm guessing that they had Michael mention it in passing and that was all. After seeing Embry with both the Texas and Southern belts, I'm wondering if Lawler might not have decided to take his vacation because Embry had plans to beat him and become Unified champion as well. He's been gone five weeks now, so I'm thinking that he may be waiting for Embry to cool off to the point where being a triple champion wouldn't do anything for him, then make his triumphant return and become the first man to definitively beat Embry in Memphis, thus ending him as a main event player regardless of whether he has the book or not. That seems like the kind of maneuver that a crafty politician like Lawler would try to pull.
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This whole segment could have been done at WMC. It would have made more sense that way, actually; have a segment at the end of the 5/4 show where Eddie comes out to demonstrate the barbed wire glove, only to have Embry jump him. After a few moments, Anthony (a native Tenneseean, don't forget) comes out to a huge pop, with the crowd thinking that he's about to save Eddie, only for him to join Embry's attack. Miss Texas gets her shots in too, and Gilbert's so badly hurt that Eddie Marlin, who never really wanted Embry to wrestle two unsanctioned matches on the same night in the first place, cancels the barbed wire glove match, leaving the Embry/Keirn match as the only one to be contested the following Monday. Instead, we get this awful bait-and-switch routine, which Gilbert has to bail out with one of his best promos since he returned to Memphis. We all know how close Anthony was to both Gilberts. so we feel Eddie's pain as he talks about what happened the night Tony and Doug won the tag team title, and how he's made Tony what he is and will now send him out of town for good on a stretcher. This was tremendous, and it was the only way to soothe those fans who may have felt cheated by the lack of a Gilbert/Embry match and get them focused on the upcoming Gilbert/Anthony feud. It's just a shame that they had to pay good money for a match that Embry (and Papa Jarrett) never had any intention of delivering.
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Other than Keirn stretching out the turnbuckle punch spot to an incredible seventeen-count, there was nothing remarkable about this. Keirn becomes the latest victim of the Senseless Babyface Beatdown, and as usual, not a soul comes out to help him. All of which begs the following question, both in kayfabe and real life: If stuff like this is the only way Embry can get ahead (or over, as the case may be), just how talented is he? I enjoyed this run for the first month or so, but now it's starting to detract from my opinion of Embry as a talent. (That means with the book as well as in the ring.)
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It's hard to tell what this was supposed to be, since we didn't get more than a few short clips (which looked excellent) and no explanation of the rules. One thing comes through clear as a bell, though: As has been the case from the start of this feud, Embry prevails. With every loss by the other babyfaces, they're making it clearer than ever that Lawler and only Lawler has any sort of chance whatsoever to stop Embry. Let's hope we get to that part sooner rather than later, because this is getting more frustrating to watch by the week
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This is full-on manic Embry, and it's a sight to behold. He truly seems to believe that he can win two nonsanctioned matches in the same night, plus whip the entire population of Memphis while he's at it. He goes on and on about how he's badder than Superman and such, and when he's reaching out of camera range to demonstrate what he's going to do with the barbed wire glove I could swear he's demonstrating on Dave, who finally has enough and cuts him off. Dave's not in too good of a mood anyway, since Embry's ramblings have deprived us of the second fall in this week's expiration of time match. I agree that two matches like these are too much for one guy at one time, but don't blame the employee; blame the man who hired him. Papa Jarrett could have stopped all this at any time and either taken the book himself or given it to someone else he trusted. I guess he didn't want to lose Embry as his top heel in Dallas, but that's not Memphis's problem. All Memphis usually needs is Lawler and his opponent of the moment, so Embry could have gone away without much difference in the product, since there's no Lawler at the moment. Bill/Jamie could have carried the houses until Lawler's return, or Prichard could have become the new head of the Texas faction. Instead, we get this. I'm curious to see how they work it, as I said in a previous thread. By the way, this segment was actually done on 5/4.
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It seems to me that they're clearing the decks for Lawler's return, so they want as many of Embry's issues settled as possible so he and the King can have the stage to themselves. The problem is, if both Gilbert and Keirn beat Embry on the same night, how could Embry possibly rehabilitate himself into a Unified title contender in time to face Lawler? He can book anything he likes, but that doesn't mean that the fans are going to buy it. I think it's pretty clear that Austin's losing his match, since he'll be in Atlanta by the end of the month, but it'll be interesting to see whether it's Gilbert or Keirn who faces Embry first, and how that match can be booked so interest in the other later in the night stays high. My guess is that Keirn goes first and gets screwed somehow, probably through outside interference, which will leave Eddie to get the big win which sends the fans home happy. Either that or Lawler somehow makes the save for Eddie during a beatdown to signify his return from the injured list, and Lawler/Embry's next on the docket. Keirn sounds relaxed but determined here. I think we're so used to hearing wrestlers scream during promos that it's tough to tell when they're doing good work unless they're yelling. Keirn definitely gets his point across well here, especially with the stuff about not being able to enjoy the Florida sun because he's too busy worrying about the Texans back in Memphis.
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I like this idea for a barbed-wire match. Too many times in the regular kind, the guys are on tiptoe so they don't accidentally hurt themselves or their opponents, which means that we get little action and a whole lot of teases. In this match, with these two madmen going at it........well, let's just say that I'll be very surprised if we see more than a few seconds on WMC the following Saturday. (Actually, I was quite surprised that we saw as much of the Gilbert beatdown as we did, considering how gory it got.) Gilbert is on fire here, so much so that I don't even mind his digs at women in wrestling. One of them slapped the stuff out of him while her boyfriend committed invasive mayhem on him with a piece of barbed wire; how do you expect him to feel? I liked that he asked for this match knowing how dangerous it was so he could give Embry the beating he deserves, and his closing line was a classic: "Heaven won't have me, and hell's afraid I'll take over!" It's a shame that he felt legitimately held back by Lawler and Papa Jarrett in Memphis, because he fits here like he does nowhere else, regardless of which side of the fence he's on.
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More Prime Time weirdness, featuring Animal as a human tow truck, Hawk as a traffic cop, and a pregnant lady trying to blackmail security by threatening to push her baby out if she doesn't get to see Heenan. This is what wrestling comedy is supposed to be. At least it's better than an eighty year-old woman giving birth to a hand. Line of the segment, from Heenan: "That woman's been pregnant for two years! She just wants to meet me!" I don't think any of this was supposed to go anywhere as far as setting up angles; it was just time-killing filler. But it was funny time-killing filler. I'm developing a soft spot for this format and for Vince as Bobby's straight man, though on the whole I still prefer the previous classic format with Gino and Bobby (which had an occasional skit like this as well).
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The interview was prime stuff from Embry, as he's about as gleeful as I've ever seen a heel over what he did to Gilbert. What makes it all better is that he's not lying: Doug is gone, and Lawler is out (though not for good). The Texans rule the roost, or as Dr. Tom put it in his one apt line: "Today's a Texas day!" As for the match clip, the barbed wire definitely pushed the envelope, but there have been so many endless heel beatdowns during the Tennessee/Texas feud that this one didn't do much for me. So Gilbert's getting the hell kicked out of him; what else is new under the sun? As usual, not a babyface is to be found, although not only is Gilbert carved up like a rack of ribs, but two referees have been knocked silly in the scuffle. At least let's have Ben Jordan and Freezer Thompson out here to make an attempt at a save. Hell, I'll take Dave Brown coming straight from the WMC studios. As it is, Eddie Marlin rings the bell to no avail whatsoever, then gets slapped by Embry for daring to stop a Texas death match. Tojo calls him off for the moment, but the damage has been done. (By the way, Tojo took a grand beating with his kendo stick courtesy of Gilbert; maybe he's in better shape than I thought.) The bottom line is, I want to see the barbed wire match, in whatever form it is, but I want Embry to be shown as at least slightly vulnerable. He's more of a Superman as a heel than Lawler is as a face at this point, and that's saying several mouthfuls considering that this is Memphis. Again, I'm wondering why guys like Dundee and Gilbert have put up with it this long, considering that they're not exactly breaking the bank. I would imagine that Papa Jarrett's this close to losing his face locker room, and I can't blame any of them. Hopefully things turn around soon, for everyone's sake.
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The physical confrontation between Pillman and Windham wasn't much, but I loved the contest between Windham and Zbyszko to see who could outsmarm the other. To borrow a phrase from Gorilla Monsoon, there isn't any conceit left in either of their families, because they have it all. I'm glad we'll get to see the taped fist match at Superbrawl, because it seems like it's going to be a total war.
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I have nothing against any of this, but why can't they find wrestlers and run this feud by proxy? Neither one of these two can draw a dime by themselves, and I even have doubts about Missy as a promo on her own. I certainly wouldn't pay to see a match involving the two of them; I'd much rather see Ron Simmons vs. The Motor City Madman (Missy and Paul's last proteges). Unfortunately, the build right now looks like it's for Missy vs. Heyman with JR as the special referee, which would have been a travesty had it taken place at the height of the Attitude Era, let alone six years before. Let's hope Dusty kidnaps a notion about how to book this properly before both Missy's and Paul's credibility (what there is of it, anyway) is shot to hell.
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That's because there isn't, Soup. Fujinami's never competed here regularly, and even if he had he can't (or doesn't) speak enough English to get his side of the story across. So we're left with vintage big-time Flair, and while he tries his hardest, that's not really enough. They're not even bothering with the NWA title vs. WCW title angle, so what this boils down to is Flair giving a nobody a shot at the World title out of the goodness of his heart. If he wanted to do that, why not wrestle George South or Zan Panzer? Heyman tries his best at the very end to put Fujinami over as Japan's equal to Flair, but there's not a soul that's even window shopping, let alone buying. I wonder why Missy ran off just as she was starting the interview. I think we'll find out in our next segment!
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This segment had extremely low audio, which given what they were selling might have been a good idea. I'm curious to see what Nash looks like in the outfit, though.
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As great as Sherri can be on the mic, we don't get much of that here, which kind of makes her expensive eye candy. Teddy more than makes up for it with a strong promo on Virgil and Piper. I wish the announcers wouldn't talk over the promos. Not only is it counterproductive and disrespectful, but you can't hear either them or the guy being interviewed when they do it; it's all just a great big mishmash of sound. Surely Vince and his production people know better than this. A bit of a surprise that we get a standard Mean Gene interview rather than an edition of The Funeral Parlor. As I look over the '91 Superstars results, I notice that they seem to go back and forth between Okerlund interviews and Parlor segments; with rare exceptions, if something big happens to a face that doesn't physically involve Taker, it's Mean Gene doing the interview (Quake attacking Andre, Liz accepting Savage's marriage proposal). The one exception was later in the year when Piper confronted Heenan just before Flair's arrival, and I'm guessing that was because Gene would have had to "remind Piper of his contract", whereas Percy wouldn't bother, thus allowing the segment to proceed more quickly. We'll see how right I am in the months ahead. An observation: It's easy to remind your fellow broadcasters to "keep their temper" when they're doing the commentary next to you in a studio in Stamford. I know Vince, Piper, and Savage are trying to maintain the illusion that they're in the arena, but once you know they aren't it makes touches like the one I just mentioned laughably absurd.
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They're trying too hard to cram the funeral motif into every guest shot now. Hearing someone like Curt talk about putting opponents in caskets is more than a little unnecessary, as Pete said. Heenan maintains his sense of humor somehow, but the rest of this seems a bit gratuitous. Percy's embracing the cartoonish side of Paul Bearer fully now, as you hear at the start with his corny "Good eeeevning." It sure didn't take him long to tumble headlong into a complete parody, did it? If you listen carefully we get our first WBF reference, as Vince briefly mentions "bodystar" Jim Quinn. Yes, folks, like it or not the nineties have arrived.
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Finally, Irwin R. Schyster targets some wrestlers, namely Koko and Davey Boy. Vince must have heard me! Savage was funny, asking Vince to tell Piper that IRS was after him too, flim-flam artist that he is. Nice reference by Savage to the Bossman/Heenan feud that was only now truly ending with the start of the Mountie program, as Vince wishes Mrs. Traylor a Happy Mother's Day. Interesting that the Nasties attacked Bossman first; you very rarely see cooperation between stable members in the WWF these days. Then again, Jacques needed to get over as a single a little better before anyone could buy him as a legit threat to Bossman, who still had at least a hundred pounds on him. Strangely enough, even though the Nasties did the most damage here, they weren't included in the program after this, not even in any six-man bouts (where Bossman's partners would likely have been the LOD). I heard the "Hogan" chants clearly when Bossman was in trouble, and while Hogan certainly wouldn't have teamed with Bossman against the Nasties, I think someone like Duggan or Jake would have been ideal. I'll say this for Jacques: he's certainly carrying himself like a police officer these days, and if you didn't know that he'd once been smarmy, campy Jacques Rougeau, you'd have never guessed it by the way he looks and acts now. Great character work. The sound effect for the taser was over the top, but I don't think a real taser would have been heard over the crowd noise, and you can't see the voltage coming out of one either. They needed to get across the tazing somehow.
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Andre and Slick is about the worst fit imaginable, even at this stage. Maybe back in the day when he had Gang and Bossman, but not now. I agree that Andre seems to be having a ball with these, and if he was as beloved as almost everyone claims he was, the managers were probably lined up waiting for their chance to work with him one last time, even in a context like this. Good on Vince for giving them (and Andre) the opportunity to do so.
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I think it's about time that Mike gets down to business, and I don't mean Mr. Schyster's audits either. Seriously, it's three weeks after Tax Day, so what's the sense of him being around if we're not at least going to get some clue that he wrestles? If you didn't know that IRS was Mike Rotundo, would you have him pegged for a wrestler based on what you've seen so far? I know I wouldn't. Yes, these skits are cleverly done, but as they stand now they're completely irrelevant. You could say the same for the Million Dollar Man and Mr. Perfect skits if you were in the mood to nitpick, I guess, but even most WWF-only fans had at least heard the names of Ted DiBiase and Curt Hennig in passing, and Vince made sure to introduce them as such. Who or what the hell is an Irwin R. Schyster, and how come we've never heard of him as it pertains to wrestling? Vince better answer that question really soon before this gimmick tires itself out without Mike ever stepping in the ring.
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Yeah, we're definitely getting Hogan/Taker once the Slaughter feud's wrapped up; Hogan wouldn't have been so aggressive with Percy otherwise. As usual, though, Percy shows no fear, and why would he when he's got his own personal zombie to wreak havoc on his behalf whenever he chooses? The "Dr. Paul Bearer" stuff sounded a bit weird, but I think Percy actually had a doctorate in mortuary sciences in real life. Besides, who's to say that the character of Paul Bearer shouldn't have one? It's not exactly the sort of degree that's relevant to wrestling, so it wouldn't be mentioned often. (Before anyone jumps on me: Yes, I know that it was almost certainly a Hogan screwup of some sort.) Savage is still acting heelish, as he says that Hogan's scared to enter the Funeral Parlor even as he's standing right on the set. I think he approved of Hogan checking all around for Taker, though. The interview itself wasn't a whole bunch. The line that stands out the most to me is, "You can build a thousand caskets, and there will still be a thousand Hulkamaniacs!" A bit of a paraphrase, but when Hogan's in "immortal" mode, he can be just as unintelligible as Warrior, if not worse. He's better as a jacked-up surfer dude from Venice Beach.