[2020-04-05-WWE-WrestleMania 36: Night Two] Edge vs. Randy Orton (Last Man Standing)

[DMJ]

Wyatt/Cena and Taker/Styles from this same show were matches where the wrestlers and producers had to make choices in terms of tone, pace, and, for lack of better word, "content." What is a Firefly Funhouse Match? What is a Boneyard Match? In my opinion, the choices they made were *brilliant.* Every single one. Styles/Taker mixed 80s B-level grindhouse with Tim & Eric with subtle costuming choices that cleverly winked at the inherent BDSM/homo-eroticism of pro-wrestling. (As someone said in the WrestleMania XXXVI thread, just look up "handkerchief code") Wyatt/Cena was even more bonkers, an abstract, non-linear acid trip through the story of John Cena. They made brave, risky choices when producing these matches and they all worked. 

Sadly, the choices that Edge, Orton, and the producers made in their Last Man Standing were all wrong. Every single one. This wasn't just boring, it was remarkably bad. And not "so bad-it's good" like Taker/Styles. It was noticeably non-creative and boring (a criticism that could never be levied against Cena/Wyatt now matter how much one might've found it to be too meta and weird). 

Okay. I should revise this. Not every choice was wrong. They did choose an interesting way to start things with Orton dressed as a cameraman, sneak attacking Edge, and taking him out with an RKO. 

Unfortunately, that initial 40-45 seconds was the only good stretch of the entire 37 minute match. For the sake of not going through every excruciating detail, I'm going to just touch on some of the terrible things that this match featured. All, again, choices that they made.

- The Relative Silence. This WrestleMania will forever be remembered as the "trash talk" edition. With no audience, wrestlers were trash-talking left and right to help fill the dead air. The aforementioned Styles/Taker mini-movie had the best dialogue of any match (it may have had the best dialogue of anything ever filmed), but Flair/Rhipley and Bryan/Zayn also benefited from the wrestlers essentially providing their own running commentary. On the flip side, the SmackDown Women's Championship elimination match proved that Bayley and Sasha Banks may be the two worst actors on the entire roster, which is a shame because I want to like them so, so much. Weirdly, though, the most personal grudge match on this entire 7-hour show was relatively silent. The only match on the card begging for hammy over-dramatics eschewed them almost entirely. It wasn't that Edge and Orton didn't go big with their reactions - their facial expressions were taking huge bites of the scenery they wrestled through - but for a match built so much on intense verbal sparring, Edge and Orton not really having much to say to each other was such a huge disappointment. It was the wrong choice.

 

- The "Spots." Few were expecting thumbtacks, flaming tables, or barbwire, but last year, Triple H ripped Batista's nose-ring out of his nostril. A few months before that, Randy Orton used a screwdriver on Jeff Hardy's earlobe during their Hell in a Cell match. On this same show, Kevin Owens and Seth Rollins showed just how effective the sound of violence could be with their use of the ringbell and chairs.  Gimmicked or not (and, to be sure, some of these were more gimmicked than others), wrestlers have successfully found ways to make things look and feel legitimately dangerous over the past few years. The WWE's production department has also been no strangers to grandiose, cartoonish violence (as we saw in the Taker/Styles match, but also in unforgettable moments like when Big Show chokeslammed John Cena into a massive spotlight or when Orton tried to blow Cena up with pyrotechnics during their Ironman Match). So whether they opted to dip their toes into pseudo-torture porn or go with a huge set piece ala Looney Tunes, this match demanded violence. 

Orton and Edge chose not to provide any. Or at least not an amount close to what they should've.

As they made their way through the Performance Center, there were countless times when someone could've raised the stakes and potentially maimed their opponent. After brawling in the empty stands, Orton and Edge spent the first quarter of the match in the workout area where there are presumably barbells, loose weights, ropes, kettlebells, and all sorts of other stuff that can crush your toes, fingers, ribs, or skull if used properly. No one bothered to even try. When Edge eventually did get some offense in, his big plan was to use an exercise machine like monkey bars to propel himself spread eagle onto a seated Randy Orton. As someone else pointed out, it looked like he was launching himself into position to give his bitter enemy a lapdance. 

This wasn't even the only time Edge got "hardcore" by swinging from a relatively low height and dropping himself onto Orton. At one point, in the PC's boardroom, Edge laid Orton on a "solid steel table" (whether or not it is "solid steel" is something I can't answer, but that is what the commentators referred to it as) and proceeded to climb above him and use the inexplicable mesh ceiling to drop an elbow on the Viper from roughly 2 feet above. This meant he was dropping an elbow from a shorter distance than he would if they were in a wrestling ring or on the ground. 

When they eventually got to the "storage area," they were surrounded by plunder, including multiple ladders. For some reason, Edge, whose signature match was the TLC Match, couldn't think of a single thing to do with any of them. 

The Con-Chair-To finish was the most violent part of the match and happened after 36 minutes of tedious brawling. This match needed multiple Con-Chair-Tos. It needed multiple punts. It needed fresh, creative moments of violence. It offered none.

 

- The Other Audio Issues. I'm not sure if what we heard from the commentators was their first attempt, a second try, or an amalgamation of both. It is likely that Vince McMahon and the wrestlers wanted this match to have a deadly serious tone and having the commentators speak in such a somber way was their attempt to set that mood. Unfortunately, between their hushed voices and Orton and Edge opting not to provide much additional dialogue, the match sounded like a bunch of grunting and panting separated by the booming counting of the WWE's loudest - both in voice and appearance - referee. At one point, Orton even turned to the referee and told him not to count until he told him to. By that point, it sounded less like Orton wanted to dish out more punishment and more like he was just as annoyed by the ref's voice as the audience was. From the emotionless commentary to the distracting referee counts, this match was not just hard to watch, it was awful to listen to.

 

- All The Small Things. There are a lot of things to mention and I've already written more than enough so I'll just rattle some off:

* Edge's Spears have always been hit-and-miss. On this night, they were probably the worst he's ever done.

* Here's a rule the WWE should probably stick to: If its a crazy stipulation match between two guys who are supposed to be trying to kill each other and people climb to a dangerous height, someone should definitely fall or be thrown from it. Especially if you have the ability to tape the stunt and make sure it is super safe. There was no excuse for neither Orton or Edge taking a bump from the top of that truck.

* People putting other people in crossfaces still makes me feel weird over a decade after the Benoit tragedy but I sorta "get" the idea that wrestlers want to "reclaim" that move. Wrestlers using gym equipment to strangle each other is not something that needs to be "reclaimed." 

* 90% of the action could be described as "weak-looking punches" or "ramming someone into a wall." Even if you're not going to give us ultra-violence, maybe throw in more weapon shots. Like, there were boxes of office supplies in that conference room. Get creative, hit someone with a stapler or ream of paper for chrissakes! Make a mess of it!

* Edge's facial expression at the end. What was that supposed to mean? This dude almost paralyzed you and then RKO'd your wife. You should have no qualms beating the ever loving shit out of him - which you barely did because this match was soft as yogurt anyway. 

 

And I must say, I actually feel kinda bad for Edge. This was his comeback match. He clearly gives a shit (Orton probably less so). They obviously went in and worked hard. I don't think all that panting was fake. They probably finished that match genuinely thinking it was good because, hey, it was a 37-minute fight. Unfortunately, it was also incredibly boring, had no creative spots, and didn't even effectively tell the emotional part of their story well. I'm almost wondering if they were "calling it in the ring" and didn't plan any of the spots because, well, there were so few spots in it and they're two "veterans" who "don't need a script, brother." At times, it seemed like Orton and Edge were legitimately looking around to see what they could use or what they could do but were simply unable to think of anything, like they just froze and Edge's instant reaction was "Well, I guess I can use that like monkey bars!" and Orton's response was "Um, where's the nearest wall I can throw you into?"

If this was rehearsed, they should be embarrassed. If this was called on the fly, it should've been re-shot. 

As others have said, it is definitely in the realm of being the worst match of any WrestleMania ever and that covers lots and lots of ground. 

[Makai Club #1]

They had a story. They wrestled to that story and the fans that like these two will probably like it. But as someone who dislikes one of the wrestlers and doesn’t find the other interesting anymore, this came off so badly. They had one of the dullest, most dry walk and brawls I can remember. It all dragged out unnecessarily long. They tried to segment the match into three areas of the performance centre but each time it was the same - boring wrestling. The portion in the gym had potential but it was super uncompelling and awkward at times. Orton hanging Edge sounds like a killer moment but it came off as so flat. There was no spark or magic. And it wasn’t a crowd issue, it was an Edge and Randy Orton issue. Edge, god bless him, tried to inject something into this match but unfortunately it came in the form of cringe inducing facial expressions. It totally reminded me why I hate him as a wrestler. This was really bad, and I don’t see any value in it past it ending the feud. It reminded me of Bad Blood 04’s Hell In A Cell match. Everything was dragged out so much to the point where you couldn’t enjoy any aspect of it. Quite sad. DUD