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Luger! The Musical


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Sting: Lex, my friend, I need your counsel if you could

You see, my friend, I have these boxes made of wood

That when opened were meant to put me on my back

And to that end contained Abby and Cactus Jack

 

Luger: Sting, my dear, I don't think I can help

The thing you fear you will find within yourself

If your mind, you clear, the answer you will see

Those boxes that were sent to you were sent to you by me

 

Sting: How could you betray me so, I loved you so

Luger: You had to go

Sting: We said we'd always be friends, we made a pact

Luger: If you think this is betrayal just wait until the second act

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An office scene, with a number of men sat around a table talking amongst themselves. Enter Vince McMahon, with a big smile on his face.

 

Vince: The coke's on me, boys.

Pat Patterson: What's the news, Vince?

Vince: Wait'll you hear this....

 

The song begins.

 

Vince: I am Vince McMahon, I am, I am

And I’m happy to declare

I have found my next Hulk Hogan

And this time he has hair

 

Change the plans for Summer

Break the news to Bret

For when I saw this new guy’s physique

I got a little wet

 

Patterson: But what if the fans don’t buy it?

It seems a little forced

Vince: Put him in red, white and blue

They’ll like who I tell them to

 

I am Vince McMahon, I am, I am

And my problems have been solved

The steroid trial is over

The business has evolved

 

Buyrates have been dwindling

Houses have been poor

But Luger is my saviour

I’ve never been so sure

 

Lombardi: But he’s as big as Hogan

And the fans want something new

Vince: We’ll win them over with little fuss

Someone hire a big fat bus

 

Enter a jobsbody, stage left.

 

Jobsbody: Mr McMahon, sir. I just got a report from tonight’s house show. They’re booing Luger.

Vince: YOOOOOOUUUUUU’RRRRRREEEEE FIIIIIIIIRRRRREEEEDDDD!

 

A pause.

 

I am Vince McMahon, I am, I am

And like the fairer sex

It’s my prerogative to change my mind

And I’ve done just that with Lex

 

It really wasn’t working

Not what I’d call a smash

I have found my next Hulk Hogan

And his name is Kevin Nash

 

Whose idea was Luger anyway? Was that you, Lombardi?

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