Book the stupidest Raw ever

[Cross Face Chicken Wing]

It doesn't get much stupider than what WWE puts on the air every Monday night these days, but let's try and get even stupider in this thread.

 

Your task is to book the stupidest 3-hour Monday Night Raw ever. Here are the guidelines.

 

• Book the show in 15-minute segments (it's ok for matches or angles to occupy more than one segment)
• A wrestler can only wrestle once. He/she can appear in multiple interviews or angles if it makes sense
• Everybody and everything from the entire history of wrestling is free for use. Don't limit yourself only to past Raw segments. For example, go ahead and open the show w/ the scaffold match from GAB '91, then follow it up with Ric Flair getting buried in the dessert if you want.
• But try and make the show flow and at least somewhat make sense. Don't just list a bunch of stupid things.

I know since I started this thread, I should be the first one to reveal my stupidest Raw ever booking sheet, but my wrestling brain and recollection isn't half as good as most of the people on this board. So I'm more curious to see what the great wrestling minds around here come up with instead of me straining to remember dates and marquess stupid matches/angles/interviews/promos.

 

 

[Grimmas]

Any Vince Russo raw, especially one with incest and/or miscarriages. I could never come up with anything as dumb as incest or miscarriages in wrestling.

[peachchaos]

WWE Monday Night RAW

 

March 30, 2015

 

Live from San Jose, CA

 

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL

 

We are LIVE the night after WrestleMania (31) and tonight is BACKLASH!

 

No time for even a video recap of last night, as Triple H and Stephanie head to the ring. Triple H cuts a long promo about the history of WWE, Buddy Rogers, the history of WrestleMania, the Attitude Era, and beating Sting last night, all things that could have been shown in the video package. He said it was the perfect night in WWE history until Brock Lesnar once again thwarted destiny and defeated The Chosen One, Roman Reigns. Stephanie takes over and explains how they did everything to make Reigns the focus of their company and Heyman and Lesnar ruined it all. So tonight, in this ring, Triple says they’re gonna do what they should have done all along and give the fans what they want: Bryan vs. Lesnar. Crowd explodes.

 

This brings out Paul Heyman. Heyman suggests if they need someone to blame, blame Reigns for not living up to expectations and getting the job done. Why reward the fans, who have done nothing but complain? Heyman admits while Brock Lesnar is not scared of any man or anything, he is indeed leery about the possibility of a title shot for Daniel Bryan. He puts Bryan over as a worker and a fan favorite but says realistically, he is no match for The Beast. But since Triple H and Stephanie have put the blame on him and Lesnar, he has a surprise for them and the WWE Universe. A surprise he was going to keep under wrap for months and probably an entire year until next WrestleMania. Tonight, Paul Heyman presents…the return of CM Punk. He drops the mic and leaves.

 

Commercials.

 

We’re back and Mizdow is already in the ring for our first match.

 

The Miz vs. Mizdow

 

No hype or explanation for this blow-off to their feud. Miz wins clean in 3:00 with his finisher.

 

Now we get a recap of WrestleMania, focusing more on the various attractions over the weekend rather than any storylines or results.

 

Star of various infomercials including ShamWow!, Vince Offer is backstage with Goldust and Stardust. Dustin won a match last night where the loser can never use the costume or wear the makeup again and Cody is claiming he tried everything and simply cannot remove the makeup. Big Dusty comes in with various products from Vince Offers infomercials and they all say a few taglines.

 

Commercials.

 

We’re back with comedian Kathy Griffin, who is backstage with the entire Divas crew. She jokes about wrestling a dog or something and then suggests all the Divas pay attention to the monitors because she’s been told Stephanie is making a huge announcement next.

 

Stephanie McMahon comes to the ring. She says due to the controversy last night over the Divas Championship, the title has been held up and there will be a new Champion crowned tonight. Then she corrects herself because that statement wasn’t entirely accurate. She says there will be no Divas Champion moving forward. Tonight, there will be a tournament…for the first ever WWE Divas Tag Team Championship! And, to make things a little more interesting, it will be a BATTLEBOWL tournament!

 

Bray Wyatt vs. Roman Reigns

 

Bray comes out first and meets Reigns in the crowd and they brawl back to the ring. The match starts with Bray on offense but Reigns comes back fast. Before the 5:00 mark, Luke Harper and Eric Rowan run down the aisle. Wyatt Family Reunion! The match is thrown out as the Wyatts beat the living pulp out of Reigns and the crowd just eats it up. They set up a table and are looking to put Reigns through it when Dean Ambrose runs out of the crowd to save him! The Wyatts soon over power even Ambrose and look to put him through the table when Seth Rollins music hits! Rollins’ bodyguards are trying to persuade him not to make the run in, but he pushes them both off the ramp and into the crowd and runs in to make the save. Bray Wyatt runs away, leaving Harper and Rowan to take the beating. They do the Shield powerbomb to Harper and put him through the table. Reigns puts Rowan’s mask back on him and Rollins curb-stomps him through the remainder of the table. The Shield have reunited!

 

Commercials.

 

Backstage, Carrot Top helps the Divas select their Battlebowl partners from his trunk.

 

Opening Round of Battlebowl Tournament for the WWE Divas Tag Team Championship Match #1:

 

Nikki and Brie Bella vs. Alicia Fox and…AJ Lee!

 

AJ is back and she’s a house of fire in this totally randomly selected tag team match. The all do their thing for a few minutes before the Bellas win clean (3:00) to advance in the tournament.

 

Backstage, Bray Wyatt admits he let the family down by losing to The Undertaker last night, which is why he called on a Family Reunion tonight, in hopes of finally eliminating another phenom, Roman Reigns, from the WWE. He says the reunion failed and he no longer has any use for Harper and Rowan. Tonight: Bray Wyatt will take on all 3 members of the Shield by HIMSELF!

 

John Cena vs. Sammy Zayn

 

These two have a nice competitive back-and-forth match, which Cena wins clean with the AA at around the 10:00 mark. Kevin Owens runs in afterwards and attempts to maul Zayn, but Cena puts a stop to that and gives Owens the AA in quick fashion. Cena’s music plays and he smiles and waves for the crowd.

 

Commercials.

 

Backstage, Paige looks confused when she selects her Battlebowl partner from Carrot Top’s trunk.

 

WWE Hall of Famer Bret “Hitman” Hart is out to announce the first member of the next Divas Battlebowl team, Natalya.

 

WWE Hall of Famer “Nature Boy” Ric Flair comes out with Natalya’s partner, Charlotte.

 

The first member of the opposing team is Paige, who looks displeased with the whole situation.

 

“Real American” plays and the crowd explodes, as Hulk Hogan and Brooke Hogan make their way to the ring.

 

Opening Round of Battlebowl Tournament for the WWE Divas Tag Team Championship Match #2:

 

Natalya w/ Bret Hart & Charlotte w/ Ric Flair vs. Paige & Brooke Hogan w/ Hulk Hogan

 

This goes the full 10:00 tournament time limit and goes to a draw. Paige plays face-in-peril the entire match until she finally makes the hot tag to Brooke, who comes in and does the big boot, leg drop, and goes for the pinfall as the time limit expires and the match is ruled a draw.

 

Commercials.

 

Backstage, Dolph Ziggler flirts with Kendall Jenner.

 

The Shield vs. Bray Wyatt

 

The Shield come down and take no time laying Bray to waste, using quick tags to maintain control of the match and eventually put him down with a triple powerbomb. Their reunion quickly dissolves as all three men want to score the pinfall. As Ambrose and Reigns argue, Wyatt rolls up Rollins to score the pinfall at 5:00.

 

Afterwards, Rollins complains that he didn’t deserve to get pinned. He challenges both Reigns and Ambrose to a match RIGHT NOW!

 

Triple Threat Match: Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose

They all three go to lock up and Rollins slips out of the ring, grabs his MITB briefcase and leaves. Ambrose rolls up Reigns as he’s watching Rollins leave for the win at 2:00.

 

Backstage, Paul Heyman encourages Brock Lesnar as he trains for his match with Daniel Bryan later in the show. Heyman turns to someone off camera and asks if they’re ready for Triple H next.

 

Commercials.

 

Triple H vs. CM Punk

 

Triple H makes his full grand entrance and waits in the ring. “Cult of Personality” blasts over the PA and the crowd explodes. We stall. And stall. And stall. Eventually, a midget dressed like CM Punk comes out. Kick, wham, pedigree finishes in 0:18.

 

Paul Heyman and Stephanie come out, arm-in-arm. It was a swerve! They wanted Lesnar as champion all along! So, as a special thanks to all the fans who made it so easy to be fooled, they’ve added some language to the contract for the WWE title match tonight: if Bryan doesn’t win the title, he’s fired.

 

This brings out Joker Sting! He gives a wild and totally unscripted rant about how he’s planned the long con. See, he meant to lose his first and only WrestleMania match to Triple H last night because he knew it would give them the power to swerve the fans tonight. But guess what? He doesn’t care about winning matches anymore, he’s just out to have a good time and…YOLO!

 

Out come The Rosebuds and The Bunny, with Adam Rose nowhere in sight. They dance onstage with Joker Sting until the Bunny chokeslams Joker Sting on the ramp. The Bunny unmasks. It’s the Big Show.

 

Commercials.

 

Teddy Long is out to introduce the winners of the Battlebowl Divas Tournament, due to a receiving a bye, The Bellas. Teddy says hold on a minute little players. Teddy doesn’t like that they won the tournament after only winning one match, so instead of making this a tag match, it will be a singles match for the vacant WWE Divas Championship!

 

Finals of the Battlebowl Tournament for the WWE Divas Tag Team Championship:

 

Nikke Bella vs. Brie Bella

 

They work a hard-fought, competitive match which ends at 4:00 with Nikki Bella going over to regain the championship.
Backstage, John Cena enters Daniel Bryan’s lockerroom to ask if he was watching their women’s match, but Bryan was clearly playing video games instead. No mention of the WWE Championship against Lesnar.

 

Inferno Match: Kane vs. Cesaro

 

No hype for this, just an inferno match thrown on the card. They do some power struggles and eventually Cesaro is able to get Kane off his feet and go for the big swing, but he loses his grip and goes flying backwards into the fire at 3:00.

Backstage, Adam Rose approaches Stephanie and complains that he and the Bunny were assaulted by Big Show and he demands retribution. Stephanie promises he will have it, next.

 

Commercials.

 

Big Show vs. Adam Rose w/ The Bunny

 

Cole mentions on commentary that the Rosebuds have all left Adam Rose in favor of touring the country with Joker Sting. They’re not sure who the Bunny could be at this point. Show comes out and destroys Rose in seconds before knocking him out with a big right hand. The Bunny comes in the ring and jumps on Big Show. Show is about to chokeslam him before the Bunny tells him to wait. He unmasks and it’s Alfonso Ribeiro! Dance music plays and Alfonso and Big Show do the Cartlon!

 

Lesnar-Bryan for the WWE Championship is NEXT!

 

Commercials.

 

WWE Championship: Brock Lesnar vs. Daniel Bryan

 

They make their entrances. The crowd is anxious. An epic stare-down commences as the crowd is in awe of the size difference. Brock talks shit. The ref signals for the bell.

 

JBL: You'd better believe Daniel Bryan is looking to make one hell of a statement tonight.

 

Michael Cole: Vince, Kevin, stop the match, stop the show…we need medical attention at ringside.

 

Even Bryan and Lesnar break-character as they realize Jerry Lawler has fallen to the floor, clutching his shoulder. WWE officials, EMTS, and a few of Lawler’s close friends come out. Eventually, even Vince McMahon comes down looking worried. Now the entire locker room is out. Daniel Bryan has left the ring to check on Lawler. This is seemingly the end of the show as Bryan even escorts Lawler to the back as he rides on a stretcher. Lesnar watches all this from the ring. Seth Rollins slyly hands the briefcase over to the referee.

 

WWE Championship: Brock Lesnar vs. Seth Rollins

 

As the official rings the bell, Rollins rolls an unsuspecting Lesnar up for the pinfall to win the WWE Championship!

We're out of time!

[pantherwagner]

Big Show vs. Adam Rose w/ The Bunny

 

Cole mentions on commentary that the Rosebuds have all left Adam Rose in favor of touring the country with Joker Sting. They’re not sure who the Bunny could be at this point. Show comes out and destroys Rose in seconds before knocking him out with a big right hand. The Bunny comes in the ring and jumps on Big Show. Show is about to chokeslam him before the Bunny tells him to wait. He unmasks and it’s Alfonso Ribeiro! Dance music plays and Alfonso and Big Show do the Cartlon!

 

This could actually be awesome.

[peachchaos]

An explanation:

 

I read the thread title and decided to book my own stupidest RAW from scratch, using mostly the current roster with the intention of recreating a seemingly authentic show highlighting how WWE can turn what are on paper decent - or sometimes even great - angles into complete stupidity by the end of the night.

 

A quick brainstorming sessions left me with the following checklist:

 

midget cm punk

d list celebrities (Kendall Jenner, Kathy Griffin, Carrottop, Vince Offer, Alfonso Ribeiro)

divas battlebowl tag title tournament

inferno match

the bunny

The Sheild reunion and breakup and blowoff all in the same show

fake Lawler heart attack

[Ricky Jackson]

Outstanding. Can someone book a fantasy reaction show to this Raw?

[Yo-Yo's Roomie]

WWE Monday Night Raw, April 6th 2015

 

Lawler is back on commentary, with no mention made to his 'heart attack' last week.

 

The show opens with Triple H, Stephanie McMahon, Kane, the Big Show, and the new WWE champion, Seth Rollins. They all gloat about their masterplan from the previous week, which resulted in Seth winning the title. Brock Lesnar's music hits, and Paul Heyman comes out. He says he thought they were on the same page, but obviously not. Brock isn't there tonight, but he has resigned one of his former charges, and issues a challenge to any member of the Authority. Triple H is reluctant, but Kane accepts the challenge.

 

When we come back from commercial, the Authority are still in the ring. Rollins talks about being the architect of the Shield, and how he is the only former Shield member to wear gold. Triple H talks about the stipulation from last week, which stated that if Bryan didn't win the WWE title, he would be fired. He says that unfortunately, Bryan couldn't get the job done, and has been fired. Brie Bella comes out, and accuses Triple H and Stephanie of being jealous of Bryan and his popularity. Stephanie says she'll give Brie a chance to win back Bryan's job. Tonight it will be a Summerslam rematch- Brie Vs Stephanie. Brie does the yes chant, but Stephanie adds the caveat that Brie will be defending Nikki's Divas title in the match.

 

Up next is Piper's Pit with Roman Reigns. Reigns talks about how much he respects the fans, and their right to cheer or boo whoever they want. Dean Ambrose comes out. He says he's sick of being an afterthought, and that winning the Shield triple threat last week proves he's the real star of the Shield. He complains about how the fan support got him nowhere, while Reigns and Rollins got everything handed to them. Piper gives Ambrose a verbal dressing down, calling him a cheap Roddy Piper knock-off. Ambrose goes to attack Piper, but Reigns knocks him out with a superman punch. John Cena comes out and he, Reigns and Piper celebrate.

 

Dolph Ziggler in action next.

 

Dolph Ziggler Vs Cesaro

The announcers talk about how Dolph has a date with Kendall later tonight, based on their backstage segment last week. Dolph beats Cesaro with the sleeper in about 5 minutes.

 

Backstage Brie apologises to Nikki for getting her involved in her issues with Stephanie again. Nikki says she's fine with it, because she has total faith in Brie defending her title for her.

 

Blockbuster announcement: tonight, Reigns and Cena challenge the Usos for the tag team titles.

 

Fandango and Rosa Vs Sami Zayn and Emma

Zayn and Emma win a short comedy match, and celebrate by dancing. The Big Show's music hits, and he comes out. he does the Carlton with Zayn and Emma, but then knocks Zayn out. Emma looks impressed with Show.

 

Bray Wyatt comes out and cuts a promo in the ring, talking about how he cast aside his family last week, and saying that soon he will be a champion. Rowan comes out and attacks Bray. He whips him into the steel steps as we go to commercial.

 

We come back from commercial to join a stairs match between Bray and Rowan in progress.

 

Bray Wyatt Vs Rowan- Stairs match

The announcers talk about the stairs match being Rowan's speciality, as he loses in about 7 minutes.

 

Luke Harper is watching on a monitor backstage. Dolph Ziggler walks by, all spruced up for his date. Harper looks him up and down, and says "you clean up purty". Ziggler looks concerned as he walks away.

 

The Usos Vs Roman Reigns and John Cena

Reigns and Cena win the tag titles in a good 3 minute back and forth match. Afterwards, dissension is teased between the Usos.

 

Backstage segment with Triple H and Stephanie talking about her match later. Stephanie says she beat Brie once, and she'll do it again, but adds that Nikki will be banned from ringside for the match.

 

A hype video is shown for the Vigilante Sting. In it he says that next week he'll make his intentions clear.

 

Dolph Ziggler is on his date with Kendall. It isn't actually Kendall Jenner, but Charlotte with dyed black hair. No mention is made of Charlotte ever having been on the roster, or that this is a different girl to Kendall Jenner. They are in a restaurant, and Dolph buys her a rose. Someone asks Dolph for an autograph, and Dolph obliges, which impresses Kendall.

 

Kane Vs Heyman's client

Heyman introduces his new resignee as Ryback. Kane and Ryback have a 15 minute match, which Ryback eventually wins with a schoolboy. Ryback works heel.

 

The Miz Vs Kofi Kingston

Miz wins in about 4 minutes. New Day surround Miz after the match, but a masked man comes out and makes the save for the Miz. The announcers speculate that the masked man could be Mizdow.

 

Back to Dolph on his date. They've finished dinner now, and are sharing a dessert. Dolph asks for the check, but realizes he doesn't have his wallet on him.

 

The Ascension Vs 2 local jobbers

The Ascension win the squash. JBL challenges either of them to a cowbell match next week. They accept. Ron Simmons comes out and says Damn.

 

Dolph and Charlotte are washing dishes in the restaurant. The restaurant manages quips that he wants Dolph to show off his dishwashing skills.

 

It's main event time. Brie comes out ready to go. Stephanie comes out and says that she's already beaten Brie once before, and doesn't need to do it again. Instead she's chosen a proxy to fight for her, and introduces Tamina.

 

Brie Bella Vs Tamina

Tamina dominates, but Brie fires up and makes a comeback. Steph tries to get involved, but Nikki Bella comes out. Steph knocks down Nikki, and she and Tamina double team Brie. Daniel Bryan's music hits, and Bryan comes out to a huge pop. Brie hits the Bella Buster on Tamina and covers, but Bryan pulls the ref off at 2. Brie looks at Bryan confused. Tamina superkicks Brie and pins her, making Steph the new Divas champion. Nikki gets in Bryan's face, but then the two make-out. Nikki pie-faces Brie and she and Bryan make out, while Stephanie does yes chants with the Divas title on the ramp.

[jackwebb]

8:00-8:15

Raw opens with Brock Lesnar and Heyman coming to the ring. Lesnar says that since he sees no real competition for him in the WWE he is forfeiting the title and leaving the company. Triple H and Stephanie come out and say good bye. They also book an 8 wrestler tournament for later tonight with the winner getting the vacated title. Daniel Bryan comes out and says that should be my title. I never lost it. I will win it tonight though. Rollins comes out with the brief case and says one way or the other I will be walking out of here tonight as the new champion. Rollins tells Daniel Bryan he has bigger problems tonight but wouldn't explain what those problems are when asked.

 

8:15-8:30

Brackets for title tournament are shown

Dolph Ziggler

vs

Rusev

 

Daniel Bryan

vs

Kane

 

Sheamus

vs

Rollins

 

Roman Reigns

vs

Big Show

 

John Cena is shown backstage confronting the authority for not putting him in the tournament. Triple H apologizes and tells Cena he just forgot about him. Tells Cena he will make it up to him later. Cena says cool thanks and leaves. Heyman comes in and says with Brock Lesnar gone i need someone new to manage. Says the person has to be smart, athletic and charismatic. Triple H says he is the only one on the roster with all of those attributes.

 

8:30-8:45

Dolph Ziggler comes out for the first tournament match. Says that he will steal the show tonight. Rusev comes out for the match. Total lopsided beat down. Ziggler hits 2 moves all match at most. Ends up winning via disqualification when Rusev attempts to impale Ziggler with the flag pole.

 

8:45-9:00

The New Day come out and say that they are looking for a match for tonight. Anybody will do. Unfamiliar music hits and out comes David Otunga, Darren Young and Titus O'Neil. David Otunga informs the New Day that the 3 of them are a new group called Past Mistakes. They have a 6 man tag match. Match ends when Titus O'Neill gets distracted when a theme song plays. Turns out it was Past Mistakes theme song he just forgot. JBL is pissed it played at all. Wonders that dastardly devil did it. Booker T guesses R Truth since he might feel left out.

 

9:00 to 9:15.

Tournament match 2. Daniel Bryan vs Kane. Kane attempted to throw stairs into the ring. They bounced off the ropes so he knocked himself unconscious. Daniel Bryan wins via count out.

 

9:15 to 9:30

Sheamus

vs

Rollins

 

Orton returns and attempts to get revenge on Rollins. He mistakingly hits Sheamus instead and ref calls for a disqualification with Sheamus as the winner.

 

9:30 -10:00

Starts with Reigns and Mizdow talking in the background. Mizdow tells Reigns he should go work as the Rock's stunt double. Look at what it has done for my career he tells him. Next Big Show and Reigns come to the ring and have their match. Reigns sold for most of the match. Hits for the Superman punch for the win. Heyman is shown scouting Reigns.

 

10:00-10:15

Daniel Bryan vs Ziggler

Dolph says he is going to win the belt and steal the show. JBL says it is going to be the showboat vs the goat. Daniel Bryan wins with a small package. Ziggler says congrats and that he is ok with the loss since they got a this is awesome chant.

 

10:15-10:30

Sheamus vs Reigns

Sheamus says he is worried about his long term health since he is just returning from injury and Reigns is too strong and too good a wrestler. So he forfeits. Heyman comes out and says Reigns should be thankful Lesnar left. Reigns says he wants nothing to do with Heyman. Reigns is ready to face Daniel Bryan tonight for the title. Triple H comes out and says he made a mistake putting Reigns in the tournament since he already won the Royal Rumble and has a title shot already. He informs Reigns that he is disqualified from the tournament in order to not hurt the Royal Rumble stipulation in future years. The match for the final tonight will instead be Daniel Bryan vs a mystery opponent.

 

10:30-10:45

Daniel Bryan comes out for the match. The anticipation builds for his mystery opponent. The music hits. It is Brock Lesnar! A quick backstage shot shows Rollins escorting some men into the arena. Daniel Bryan and Lesnar are just about to lock up when Rollins music hits and him and the gentlemen come out. Turns out that these men are the police. Booker T says somebody called the police. The police come to the ring and handcuff Daniel Bryan. They inform him that the child he did a make a wish for recently says that Daniel Bryan molested him. Triple H comes out and says that with Daniel Bryan out that makes Brock Lesnar the winner of the tournament and new champion. Lesnar is pissed though and wants a match. Calls out anyone in the back to come challenge him for the title.

 

10:45-11:05

Cena heads to the ring when suddenly the screen goes completely black. A person with a portable camera is shooting the action. Triple H runs up and asks what happened. They lost the feed because Dolph Ziggler stole the production truck. He stole the show. Triple H is angry that he didn't see this coming. The production truck is shown driving out of the arena parking lot. The last 10 minutes of the show and the 5 minute overrun was just the image on screen. Ziggler's master plan has finally come to fruition.