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Quotable wrestling

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This was a hit at SNKT, so I thought I'd bring it back here.

 

I'll start us out:

 

"Last night, this girl came knocking on my door at midnight. Finally, I let her out." -- Gene Okerlund

 

"Look at us! We've reduced ourselves to wearing overalls!" -- Road Dogg to the Godwinns, RAW 1997

 

"I look like Vince Neil over here!" -- Kevin Nash at the broadcast booth, Nitro 1996, looking at himself in the monitor

 

"Tony Schiavone! I'm glad to see you back, especially after seeing your front." -- Jim Cornette

 

"You should have the Rock & Roll Express arrested! Last week, they came out here and killed your ratings." -- Jim Cornette

 

"Tommy, try to understand that I am but a fouled experiment in human sociology, and I can accept that, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine there would be other wrestlers taking dives onto concrete floors, committing human suicide on my behalf--like I'm the patron saint of all sick sons of bitches. Is that all I stand for, Tommy? Is that all I stand for, to stand in an arena where J.T. Smith lands head first on the concrete and hears the fans yell, 'You fucked up, you fucked up?' Well, fuck you. Who the hell do you think you are? We're not a wrestling organization anymore, we're the world's biggest damn puppet show." -- Cactus Jack, ECW 1995

 

"I'd say, 'Hey Mikey, look at the leaves turning colors, the beauty of the fall foliage.' But you were too cool to care, weren't you Mikey??! I'd say, 'Mikey, here is a cassette that means a lot to me, and if you listen to the words, it might change your life, too.' Mikey took that tape out and said, 'Who's Leonard Cohen?' and put in the satanic music of Ozzy Osbourne, and expected me, as a parent of two, to stand there and take it? Mikey, I know you don't have money. So I paid the tolls, I gave you money for food. And what did you come across? Nothing that would make you into a world champion. I can count every time...Doritos. If you want to ruin your body, then that's fine. But when you don't need Cactus Jack anymore, and you were able to get a ride for yourself, those Doritos stayed there, and haunted me until I couldn't take it anymore! For God's sake man, don't you realize I have an eating disorder?" -- Cactus Jack, ECW 1995

 

"As President, I will institute a procedure in which all convicted criminals will have this brass ring will be surgically implanted into their foreheads--Americans have a right to know who they can trust. I don't care if you're 5, 6, or 7 years old, if you're a first-time offender, you're gonna go to Purgatory and it's not gonna be fun!" -- Bob Backlund

 

"Their look is SO Bushwhackers 2000." -- Edge & Christian, discussing the Dudleys

 

"Here's a couple that have produced more tragedies than Shakespeare ..." -- Jerry Lawler on Stu & Helen Hart

 

"If the Rock hits you, you'll die. If he misses, the wind behind the punch will be so strong, it will give you pneumonia and you'll die anyway." -- The Rock

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Guest Alfdogg

Mean Gene: "Alright, over the last couple of months, it has been very difficult to introduce this man with the words World Wrestling Federation Champion, Hulk Hogan, here at WrestleMania IV this afternoon, you've got the opportunity to change that."

 

Hogan: "Oh yeah, it's been hard to live with, man! FEE FI FO FUM, Andre! One long year, and your time has come, man! No marks, no scars, no blemishes on the Hulkster, brother! But inside man, I've been scarred for one long year! Everywhere I go man, all the little Hulksters ask me, 'Is there any truth to the fact that there was a controversial count? Hulkster, did you really press him over your head? Did you REALLY beat the Giant? Well today man, in WrestleMania IV, we're gonna wipe all that controversy out! Andre the Giant, in the second round, when you're fresh as a daisy, with the whole world watching, I'm gonna PROVE, brother, that I can beat ya, anywhere, anytime! And all my Hulkamaniacs, they're gonna FEEL it, too!

 

Gene: "Speaking of the Hulkamaniacs, Hulk Hogan, we have seen them here in Atlantic City, and I know millions of others are watching very intently all around the world!"

 

Hulk: "Yeah! But if you look into their eyes, man, have you seen the FEAR in all those little Hulksters? They realize, that when I get Andre the Giant cinched up in the launch position, when I slam him through the Trump Plaza, brother, from New York, down to Tampa, Florida, the fault line is gonna break off! And as Andre the Giant FALLS INTO THE OCEAN, as my next two opponents, fall into the ocean floor and I pin 'em, SO WILL DONALD TRUMP, and ALL the Hulkamaniacs! But as Donald Trump hangs on to the top of the Trump Plaza, with his family in his other arm, as they sink to the bottom of the sea, THANK GOD DONALD TRUMP'S A HULKAMANIAC! He'll know enough to let go of his materialistic possessions, hang on to the wife and kids, dog paddle with his life, all the way to safety! But Donald...if something happens and you run out of gas, and all those Hulkamaniacs run out of gas...JUST HANG ON, to the largest back in the world, and I'll DOG PADDLE us, BACKSTROKE ALL OF US TO SAFETY!"

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Guest TheShawshankRudotion

Fuck I love Hogan promos.

 

As always...

 

Mean Gene: Hulk Hogan, the greatest World Wrestling Federation champion of all time. Here we are at Wrestlemania 6, the waiting's over, here comes the Ultimate Challenge.

 

Hulk Hogan: You know something Mean Gene, you don't have to remind me and my Hulkamaniacs that at Skydome we're gonna face the Ultimate Challenge brother. When we crossed the border from the United States of America to Canada I was hovering over Skydome brother, I saw what was beneath me man. I saw the greatest arena of all times, where the Ultimate Challenge will take place...and as we landed brother, nothing but star-craving Hulkamaniacs were there to great me at the airport. Nothing but positive vibes man. Hulkamania is running wild like it's never ran before!

 

But the Ultimate Warrior, you must realize that when you step into Skydome, when you feel the energy that is gonna run wild throughout the arena, those are my people. That's my energy brother and Ultimate Warrior, this is where the power lies man and the power of the Hulkster, the largest arms in the world and once I get you down on your knees Ultimate Warrior, I'm gonna ask you one question brother. I'm gonna ask you: do you want to live forever? And if your answer is yes Ultimate Warrior, then breathe you last breath into my body. I can save ya, my Hulkamaniacs can save ya. We can turn the darkness that you live in into the light. We can save all your little warriors with the training, the prayers, and the vitamins. But I gotta prove one thing to all my little hulkamaniacs out there, it's not whether you win or whether you lose, the only thing that matters is what kind of winner you are or what kind of loser you are and Ultimate Warrior I sure hope you're a good loser brother. Whatcha ya gonna do at Skydome when the largest arms in the world and Hulkamania destroys you?

 

Mean Gene: Alright the time is now Hulkster, thank you, standing by Shawn Mooney.

 

Shawn Mooney: Thank you Mean Gene, I'm with the reigning Intercontinental Champion the...

 

Ultimate Warrior (interrupting): Ahhhhh You are nothing but a normal, you don't deserve to breathe the same air that I and Hulk Hogan do. Hulk Hogan, I must ask you now as you asked me, do you Hulk Hogan want your ideas, your beliefs to live forever? For Hulk Hogan in this normal world, physically none of us can live forever. But the places you have taken the Hulkamaniacs, the ideas and beliefs that you have given them can live through me Hulk Hogan. That is why I breathe, that is why the Warriors have come. Hulk Hogan there are ones that question where you are taking them. Do you no longer want to walk or step into that darkness? Hulk Hogan that darkness I speak of is nothing of fear. It is about the beliefs...of excepting any and all challenges at the cost of losing everything Hulk Hogan. You have lived Hulk Hogan for the last 5 Wrestlemania's for this one belief. Now Hulk Hogan, I come to take what you believe in, further then you ever could. I come Hulk Hogan, not to destroy the Hulkamaniacs and Hulkamania. I come Hulk Hogan to bring the Warriors and Hulkamaniacs together as one as we Hulk Hogan except all the challenges with all the strength of the Warriors and Hulkamaniacs together. Hulk Hogan the colors of the Hulkamaniacs are coming through the pores of my skin...and Hulk Hogan when we meet Hulk Hogan, I will look at you and you will realize then that I have come to do no one no harm, but only Hulk Hogan to take what we both believe in to places it shall never have been.

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Guest Some Guy

Can someone pu tup the WM 3 Hogan promo? "It's the purest form of the truth there is!"

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"WCW is interested in Rena Mero, but can not touch her for 18 months."

 

-- Michael K. Johnson III recapping Wrestling Observer Live for 1wrestling.com

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Guest Alfdogg

"Tonight it will be La Resistance vs William Regal and Eugene FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!" - Randy Orton

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Guest Alfdogg

At an IYH in 95

 

JR: "How do you address those skeptics?"

 

Sid: "The skeptics *stutters* ...can we start over?"

 

JR: "We're live, pal."

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Guest Crucifixio Jones

I forget what PPV it was, I think it was the KOTR that Ken Shamrock ultimately won but DX was in full effect so they had Chyna and HHH come down and do some guest commentary. Chyna joined the spanish announce team and JR was impressed with her fluency in the language.

 

JR: I didn't know Chyna spoke Spanish, HHH. Are you bilingual as well?

 

HHH: I'm bi alot of things, JR but lingual ain't one of'em. ...wait a minute, did I just say that?

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Guest Flyboy

Man, your ellipse wasn't nearly long enough for the pause that HHH took during the bi-slip.

 

It was more like, "....................".

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Guest Hunter's Torn Quad

More an anecdote than an actual quote, but Cornette was doing commentary on a weekend show in early 1997, and was telling a story of how some guy broke into Mark Mero and Sable's house, and bumped into Sable and she screamed, "Rape!", and the burglar screamed, "No!"

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Guest Alfdogg

"The only reason anyone bought your book is because they were hoping you would die at the end of it." - Chris Jericho to Mick Foley

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"Ken Shamrock, you have a thousand holds, but I don't know how to get out of a single one of 'em. Just remember that it takes a good man to beat Mankind, but it doesn't take him very long. Have a nice day!"

 

-- Mankind

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Big Show: "Why is it he gets the title shot and I don't?"

RVD: "Because you're a tool."

Big Show: "I'm seven feet tall. I'm 500 lbs. I'm a giant!"

RVD: "Okay, you're a giant tool."

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"If you're watching TV right now, I am your champion. If you like to sit at home and stuff potato chips in your mouth while watching the boob tube, I am your champion. If you're married to your remote control, you're married to Chris Jericho. If you like to channel surf, you're surfing with me! Hang ten, daddio!"

 

-- Chris Jericho

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"In true rock star fashion, I didn't sleep at all last night. So all I need is a bottle of Jack Daniels and some groupies, and I'll be just like David Lee Roth!"

 

-- Chris Jericho

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"I am your king, which is equivalent to your emperor or head ninja."

 

-- Kurt Angle to Funaki, just after winning the KOTR tournament in 2000

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Kurt Angle: Who would win the big match - Stone Cold Steve Austin and Booker T? Let's break it down, shall we? Stone Cold Steve Austin's the WWF champ, and Booker T's the WCW Champion. Stone Cold Steve Austin has the experience, Booker T is a little more temperate. Umm, Booker T definitely has the height advantage. Stone Cold has the width advantage, he's a little more stout.

 

Steve Austin: Width?

 

Kurt Angle: You're a little wider, that's all.

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"Not to mention our former tag team champions lost their titles after my good friend Christian was hit in the genitals with a hockey stick by a midget! I mean enough is enough!"

 

-- Kurt Angle

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Guest Alfdogg

"That's a nice haircut if you're going to the chair." - Bobby Heenan, on Road Warrior Hawk

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