Jimmy Redman

I am elbows deep in Candice Michelle, you think I got time for some fan cams homie?

She was working a sexist angle, which works better against a man than against the female Glorious Benevolent Feminist Mother of the Women's Revolution. If Sasha and Bayley have a match on the fucking pre show I'm gonna go postal. They were supposed to main event this fucking thing. Fuck WWE. Oh yeah of course but Kurt mentioned earlier in the promo that Steph made the match and then Lex said he made the match. It was weird but I know what they were going for I think there's a point where, she's the heel and she's full of shit just a little bit. Thanks Matt.

She was working a sexist angle, which works better against a man than against the female Glorious Benevolent Feminist Mother of the Women's Revolution. If Sasha and Bayley have a match on the fucking pre show I'm gonna go postal. They were supposed to main event this fucking thing. Fuck WWE.

Between Kurt Angle not being able to string a sentence together, no Nia in the Chamber, the Triple Threat threat, Alexa coming out to take his balls and almost cracking up halfway through, and then just leaving abruptly, that segment was a wild ride.

I think because Trish vs Lita was on their own merits and alone, whereas Lita vs Steph had Hunter, Rock and the Hardyz all ringside involved in the match and it was really about them, the women were just props.

I saw it all the time. Similar to Cena with added "eww 619" thrown in, how he "panders" to kids and does all the same moves and shit like that. He was unpopular on my pre-PWO board and nobody gave him credit as an all time worker.

WELL LOOK HERE, Mr. "Winged Eagle", first of all...

Just found this

Yeah they're dorks.

She fuels the fire and fans the flames.

Yep. All because of the 619. The very nicest thing Stacey's ever done for me was let me take her #3 GWE pick and make the 619 rant instead of her. http://placetobenation.com/parejas-increibles-7-greatest-wrester-ever-part-7-11-1/ (2:43:00 mark or so) I'm sure she would have more of a potty mouth about it (and in listening back for the first time in a year and a half she follows with said potty mouth). Blazing hot take: I swear a fucking lot. I remember for like half a second feeling like "oh, OK, after you mate" and then it instantly evaporated when you made my own point way better and more eloquently than I ever could. Good times.

How does it work with all the indy shows. Like, will they sell out and I need a ticket or will I be able to just go to whatever.

Awesome! The Divas (Superfan) Invasion

Ronda Rousey will be a heel (or at least a booed babyface) by the end of the year. I'd make a Grimmas bet about that.

I'm coming! Getting in on Friday. I have tickets to NXT and Mania, everything else is up in the air.

OK I'm almost done I swear. Just one thing. Trish Stratus was on Lilian Garcia's podcast this week, it was taped before the Rumble but they discuss her being in it. She was saying that she didn't want to commit to doing it before feeling confident that she could still go (even her last cameo was SEVEN years ago), so she found a warm body and a ring and THIS MOTHERFUCKING 41 YEAR OLD MOTHER OF TWO WHO AIN'T BEEN A WRESTLER FOR 12 FUCKING YEARS JUST STRAIGHT UP CASUALLY NAILED A FRANKENSTEINER OFF THE TOP ROPE IN AN EMPTY GYM SOMEWHERE "just to see if I still could" and decided she'd be fine. This woman completely and utterly destroys me. I'm glad everyone enjoyed my psychosis. I've never enjoyed anything more.

Can we, like...pad the Elimination Chamber and put pillows and mattresses in for Sasha? Because apparently Sasha can't stop won't stop until she dies in the ring and the chamber seems like a pretty fuckin' likely place for it.

WHAT IN THE JESUS FUCK. MY JAW DROPPED AT SASHA'S DEATH AND I STILL CAN'T CLOSE MY MOUTH. I was kidding about Sasha dying today and for a second I felt horrible that I'd somehow brought it on. What in the FUCKING FUCK. SHE IS DEAD. That was fucking awesome though and FUCK THAT CROWD for not reacting to it. I hate Raw. A million billion Sasha/Asuka matches please.

Bayley just needs to stay employed long enough for the company to remember in a few years that she exists and start pushing her again and the crowd will respond because they'll be mad she was held down for so long and they'll portray it as a long fought struggle to the top. Like a Bryan or Benoit mega push.

Sasha Banks, 1992-2018 R.I.P. She's not long for the world, it just depends on whether Asuka or the Elimination Chamber gets her first.

So I finally passed out last night at the end of my 6th rewatch. I wanted to stay awake for as long as I could and savour the day as much as possible because I knew I would wake up and it would be a new day and life would move on and Raw would happen and the spell will be broken. So I'm awake now and I'm almost entirely convinced that I didn't just dream that shit and it actually happened. I've never watched the same match SEVEN TIMES in 24 hours before, especially not one that goes for a fucking hour, but there's an hour before Raw starts and WWE moves on from this forever and not even the touch of a real woman could make me this happy ever again so here is Part 2: All The Stuff I Forgot to Say Yesterday When I Was High As A Fucking Kite and Living My Wrestling Dreams Out In A Fantastic Faraway Parallel Dimension Unconfined by the Mundane Reality of This Cold, Cruel World. Sasha DIED in the first fucking minute of the match. And then worked another 54 minutes. I feel like there's going to be some shit chat about her taking naps all the time, but farken every time Sasha came back in or a new girl arrived she was absolutely EATING some asshole move from someone. Sarah's HEADBUTT TO FUCK. Mandy's knee. Liv's shit in the corner. Asuka's HEADKICK TO FUCK. She took a beating here. Also you can literally see Sasha trying not to grin and mark out all through this. You know who's fucking great? Becky fucking Lynch. Not only is she the best babyface and best promo in the entire company and gets shit all for it, but she was the fucking boss in this. Half an hour of straight up action, she was so busy during this and actually hitting some shit on folk. What a worker. LITA coming out and jumping up and down giggling on the ramp like a schoolgirl going "This is happening!" is the sweetest markout in wrestling history. She also fucking ATE MANDY'S FUCK OFF KNEE on the apron. When Lita is going up you can see her having second thoughts but she does it anyway, and then afterwards she looks so unbelievably relieved to be alive. One thing I noticed after 5 or 6 goes was that Lita, when she comes in, stays on her knees and looks up at Sasha and Becky and sells the enormity of what is happening. Then later, when Trish comes in, she stays on her knees and looks up at Nattie and Sasha and all the girls really deliberately and sells the moment just the same. Those two fucking GET IT. A nice parallel. I will never get over the POP for Torrie Wilson as long as I fucking live. I've been banging on to Matt and Elliott for months about how underrated Torrie is, I have been on a motherfucking JOURNEY with this woman lately. "TOR-RIE WIL-SON!" Just that one moment was as emotionally fulfilling for me as any other I've experienced in wrestling. And it was only one of about A THOUSAND I got in this match. Momma Steph coming to the rescue, always defending the girls when Corey got too critical, was amazing. Viva la Revolucion. And Corey started in on his creeper stuff with Mandy Rose and Steph SHUT THAT SHIT THE FUCK DOWN. Also I fucking LOST IT when Cole started telling her that Corey hates Sasha and Steph innocently squealed "WHY?!" like a teenage girl in a high school bathroom getting ready to hear her friend spill the most delicious tea about someone. A lowkey MVP of this thing was Charlotte on the outside COMPLETELY NO SELLING when girls would fall and splatter to their deaths right in front of her...until Sasha tossed out Bayley at the end and Charlotte FUCKING HATED IT. That was a moment. MOLLY HOLLY HASN'T WRESTLED FOR THIRTEEN FUCKING YEARS AND HER FIRST MOVE WAS A FUCKING MOLLY GO ROUND ARGHGFJGERGNERJGNDFND SHE IS TRULY THE MOST HONOURED, MOST HOLY, MOST VENERABLE SAINT MOLLY OF MINNESOTA, PATRON SAINT OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND PURE IN WRESTLING. I agree with Matt, Molly doing her babyface Mighty Molly walk to the ring fucking destroys me. Molly is like, the best fucking babyface worker in the world who had to spend most of her career as a heel for no fucking reason. Her walking in and fucking shit up it was like 2003 all over again. Even the way she swings her arms is the same. THEY COULD ALL START WORK AGAIN TOMORROW AND SOMEHOW PEOPLE STILL THINK THERE WAS NO TALENT THERE DURING THE DIVAS YEARS. PLEASE DIRECT YOUR ANGER AT THE APPROPRIATE TARGET PLEASE GENTLEMEN. THE TALENT WAS ALWAYS THERE. THE END. I can't believe I saw Molly Holly work with Michelle McCool and Sasha Banks in the same 5 minutes. And she went out a worker because Molly took a DISGUSTING TRISH LEVEL BUMP OUT HERE. Fuck me. Can we all stop and consider the magnitude of putting Eddie Guerrero's grieving widow on television for a payday even though she couldn't wrestle or act or talk or perform in any way and within two years she became one of the best heels of all time and she's now a legit WWE Legend in her own right. Who could believe this life. People's confirmation bias with Kelly Kelly fucking astounds me sometimes. She has like the best close call spots on the ropes and people somehow claim that she was fucking it up. She was trying to hang on! She ALMOST fucked up the rana BUT they hung on and she got it back and hit it and yet people still laugh like it was botched. If they were dudes people would be praising them for saving it in mid-air. I like how it took Ruby BITING BECKY'S FINGERS OFF to get her out. Becky is a fucking trooper. I do feel like Ember got Alicia Fox's spot, since she came out at the same time Naomi was doing her tightrope stuff and you'd presume they'd rather have filler in the ring for that spot. One thing I COULD have got but missed was an Alicia Fox/Natalya spot in this. Next year. ASUKA POINTING AT EMBER MOON'S ARM AND DANCING ALONG TO "ASUKA'S GONNA KILL YOU" WAS THE FUCKING BEST. Asuka has IT. Just, all of IT. Ember sold like a beast and her legit one armed Eclipse was completely insane. She took the nuttiest bump out of all time. Ember has like her own fucking built in torque. I forgot about this the first couple times, but Beth Phoenix has been putting Nia Jax over like gangbusters on the Edge and Christian podcast all year, I can only imagine how much she was exploding on the inside being able to work with her here and do strength spots and hug Nattie and put her over and just be in the damn Royal Rumble. I still can't BELIEVE that Trish got the finger spot in there. It was so fucking perfect for that moment and it was never going to happen but corporate PG WWE can get in the fucking bin because THE GOAT TRISH STRATUS HAS SOME MOTHERFUCKING CHARACTER WORK TO DO! What are they gonna do, fire her? She's already fired! Fire her! She's already fired! Abuse of power! Trish and Mickie having the face off and them selling it and the crowd being SO FUCKING INTO IT and them both losing their minds because the crowd was so into it and TRISH DOING THE PUSSY LICKING AND THEM PROCEEDING TO BEAT THE HOLY MOTHER EFFING JESUS CHRISTING SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER LIKE ITS 2006 OH MY GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN TAKE ME NOW. That may have been the biggest spot. Watch this moment carefully. Trish ANNIHILATES Sasha with a forearm at one point and you can actually see Sasha wiggling her fingers and talking to the ref about her neck. TRISH MOTHERFUCKING STRATUS PUNCHED SASHA BANKS SO FUCKING HARD IN THE FACE IT GAVE HER A STINGER. FUCK WITH THAT BITCHES. OK Raw is on now and Asuka is going to kill Sasha and wear her as a fur so that''s probably it for now.

Ivory really could NOT outwrestle Trish. PS. I just woke up. That really happened, right? Y'all are talking about the perfect women's Royal Rumble of my dreams like you all saw it too, so that means it's totally real? It really happened?

HI GUYS I AM ALIVE. BUT I AM SLIPPING RIGHT OUT OF MY TREE OVER HERE I HAVE NO IDEA IF I'M ACTUALLY HIGH OR JUST HIGH ON THE BLISSFUL UTOPIAN PLEASURE BROUGHT ON WHEN YOU BOOK A WOMEN'S ROYAL RUMBLE FOR THE GRATIFICATION OF I, STACEY O'LOUGHLIN OF SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA AND FILL IT WITH LIKE WOMEN AND DIVAS AND WOMEN AND SOMEHOW INVENT PERSONALISED FANTASY-BASED TIME TRAVEL AND MAKE ALL OF MY WRESTLING DREAMS COME TRUE IN A SINGLE BOUND. I AM GOING TO BE SHOUTING A LOT. Also I want you all to know that I'm lucky to even be here I nearly died from the heart attack brought on when my WIFI started shitting itself RIGHT WHEN THE GIRLS WERE STARTING THE FIRST EVER WOMENS ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH LIVE ON PPV. Because my heart wasn't already bursting out onto the ceiling, I needed an adrenaline shot of pure fear as well. So I gotta watch it again to get everything. You're welcome. The video package was so beautiful, this is already the greatest thing I've ever seen and it hasn't even begun yet. Maria Menounos! HOW can you not love this woman. HOW CAN YOU JOYLESS CRETINS BOO THIS WOMAN?? GET THE FUCK OUT. She is having the time of her life out there. She's adorable. I feel sorry for Alexa and Charlotte because they were probably dying to be in this thing. Of course Sasha is #1! I like, cannot imagine anyone else internally marking out harder than Sasha Banks, walking out #1 in the first Royal Rumble. You just know she wants to go an hour brother too. I was trying to figure out who she was dressed as the whole time live, now I see its Wonder Woman. Becky! This is, fuck, yes. Get in me. Just goin' to work. Can they please just wrestle for an hour. God damn we need some more Sasha/Becky matches. Steph has been good so far, being neutral Momma Steph and trying to give background. I do like Sarah Logan a lot, but honey, you ain't no Diva, and today is DIVAS INVASION DAY. HOW DO YOU TOSS SOMEONE INTO A HEADBUTT?? That was fucking nuts. Mandy Rose. Not a Diva. Nice flying knee. CHUCHU DO DOOOO DO DO CHUCHU DO DOOOO DO OO LITAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Man Sasha and Becky bumping like maniacs for Lita's shit was awesome. I'm marking out bro. When Steph said "for the women who couldn't be here today" I legit thought she meant like people who already had dinner plans tonight sending their apologies and not like, in memory of dead people. That's the closest we'll ever get to the WWE In Memorium. Kudos to Lita for wearing #TimesUp as well. LITA! YES! Throw all these bitches out and win for the Divas Invasion! KAIRI THE PIRATE! KAIRI THE PIRATE! OK I take it back I like the present! Michael Cole name dropping STARDOM in the main event of a WWE PPV. I love the present. Kairi Sane doing spots with LITA and Sasha Banks at the same time is completely bonkers. I also loved where Steph called her going up the top too early, it's like a botch but only because she's never seen Kairi before and just assumed but then got surprised a completely different cool move. I swear to fuck Sasha was just laying there selling for Kairi and visibly marking her fucking ass off. I would be too. I AM too. GIANT ELBOW! FUCK she nailed that. A hundred Sasha/Kairi matches please and thank you. Tamina with the all white PPV Outfit. LITADDT! TWIST OF FATE! IS IT 2000 AGAIN I TH-OH NO! MOONSAULT!? NO! YOU'RE NOT! YOU CAN'T! YOU ARGH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. SHE IS DEAD. AMY 'LITA' DUMAS WAS 42 YEARS OLD REST IN PEACE. VINTAGE LITA! CLASSIC LITA! SHADES OF LITA! Christ on a bike that looked mental. Lita is fucking nuts, she fell halfway down before she even flipped. She is immortal. She must be a fucking witch. How has nothing killed her yet. Yes toss her out! LITA TO WIN THE ROYAL RUMBLE! No! Becky! What are you doing?? The only good thing about Dana Brooke is Steph popping for her entrance cartwheel. Steph has been astonishingly fine so far. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT KAIRI! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!! TORRIE! TORRIE'S MUSIC! TORRIE! ARGH! WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN EVERYBODY WANTS YOU, HOW CAN YOU BREATHE WHEN THEY SOMETHING SOMETHING! SERIOUSLY HOW HAS THIS WOMAN NOT AGED IN 15 FUCKING YEARS. SHE IS ANOTHER WITCH, LIKE MICHELLE PFEIFFER IN STARDUST WHO FOUND THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH IN EATING THE HEARTS OF STARS. OR. OR. SHE IS A HUMAN TIME CAPSULE. THE TORRIE FROM THE PAST I'VE BEEN WATCHING HAS BEEN TRANSPORTED INTO THE FUTURE FOR MY PERSONAL WRESTLING FULFILLMENT. I HAVE ACCESS TO THE SPACE TIME CONTINUUM GUYS HMU. OK seriously holy shit, Torrie coming in and hitting facebusters and corner clotheslines like it's 2006 is the greatest fucking thing ever. You do not know what Torrie and I have been through the past year. But look out for my future podcast show: 'Torrie Wilson: The Lost Great Worker of Her Generation'. THE HARDCORE SMARK CROWD IN PHILLY ARE CHANTING "TOR-RIE WIL-SON" I AM FUCKING DEAD AS A DOORNAIL. This is already the best match of all time. Yes! Get her out! Baseball slide yes! GET OUT! TORRIE! Throw all these bitches out and win for the Divas Invasion! Win it for us! Sonya seems like such a caricature when I've seen Shayna Baszler the night before. Torrie forearm! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! Fucking hell this is the second time around and I still SCREAMED THE WORD NO OUT LOUD. Booooooo Sonya, you stupid MMA clown. Steph randomly going "Becky told me her gear represents the future." was the greatest non sequitur of all time. Liv Morgan: Not a Diva. I'm at the point where Steph is smoothly defending Sasha as a fellow Boss against Corey's bullshit and I'm like...Steph is doing such a flawless impression of a human being right now that I'm almost worried there IS a swerve coming. She is so fucking normal. It's scary. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLY HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLY!!!!!!!!! MOLLY HOLLY MOLLY HOLLY MOLLY HOLLY OMG THIS IS THE BEST MATCH EVER MY HEART THE PURE AND PERFECT ST MOLLY OF MINNESOTA PURVEYOR OF WRESTLING MIRACLES HOLY MOSES. SHE ALSO LOOKS EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME. HAVE THE PAST 12 YEARS BEEN A LIE?? A FEVER DREAM?? AN ALIEN EXPERIMENT?? Molly gettin' work done. I cannot. Of course her favourite feud was Trish, it was the only fucking push she ever fucking got and she had to be the fat ugly virgin to get it, you stupid assholes. Bullshitting about her breaking barriers when y'all called her fat for years and she hated it so much she stopped wrestling, y'all can fuck right off and eat my ass. Molly was Molly DESPITE every single fucking thing the company put her through. MOLLY HOLLY JUST HIT A MOTHERFUCKING MOLLY GO ROUND ON SASHA BANKS IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2018 WHAT EVEN IS THIS WORLD. A THOUSAND STARS JUST FOR THAT. Hahahaha Lana is so over as Rusev's wife. I don't know if they planned for it or not but it was fucking great that the heels got heat on her and then she LANA'D UP and beat the shit out of them and the crowd went nuts. YOU'RE NOT ENOUGH FOR ME WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAHOHHHHHHHHH JUST ANOTHER MAN IN LOVE WITH ME MICHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLE MOTHERFUCKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING MCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL BITCHESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!! BOOM! OH SHE SLIPPED HAHA. UNDERTAKER CHANTS HAHA. BOOM! RUNNING KNEES! UPPERCUT! GET EM! BIG BOOTS FOR EVERYONE! YES! CHUCK EM! HAHAHAHAHA HOLY SHIT SHE'S GETTING A STONE COLD MICHELLE MCCOOL PUSH IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER. TOSS THEM ALLLLLLLLL OUT AND WIN THE ROYAL RUMBLE FOR THE DIVAS INVASION! THIS IS THE GREATEST MATCH OF ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL TIME. ALSO PS SHE LOOKS EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME THAT'S AN OUTFIT SHE WAS WEARING IN LIKE 2009 AM I TIME TRAVELLING AGAIN IS THIS THE REAL LIFE OR IS THIS JUST FANTASY?? MICHELLE AND MOLLY ARE DOING SPOTS TOGETHER IN A WRESTLING RING IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2018 I AM DEAD. NO. I SERIOUSLY CANNOT HANDLE ANY MORE. I MAY EXPLODE. NO STONE COLD MICHELLE WHAT ARE YOU DOING MOLLY! NOOOOOO! YOU CAN'T TEASE ME LIKE THAT. HOW FLEETING OUR DREAMS TRULY ARE. HAHAHA Michelle no selling Lana and tossing her out was awesome. Shades of Michelle McCool! Stone Cold! Stone Cold! Ruby Riot: Not a Diva. OMG Michelle McCool is working with Sasha Banks in the Year of Our Lord 2018. This cannot be real. I can't take it. Imagine heel Michelle vs Sasha or Becky or Bayley. NO! HANG IN THERE! HOLD ON MICHELLE! Phew. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA VICKIE FUCKING GUERRERO! She still doesn't have music! She's like, not even a heel anymore. People are so happy. EXCUSE ME! My mother lost it at this. "Michelle, buddy!" was fucking great. They really were together on TV for a time. Kayfabe brother. They took such good care of her tossing her out too. Vickie is the motherfucking best. All you GWWE assholes who think Vince is the best performing heel of all time, fuck off. HAHAHAHA SHE KNOCKED HER OUT WITH THE BRIEFCASE! Vickie is fucking all time. Look at Michelle go, belly to belly and all that shit. She could walk back in tomorrow. OK Carmella getting into that amazing gritty wrestling struggle with Becky and then decapitating Ruby Riot with a superkick was the best 30 seconds of Carmella's career. HOLLA HOLLA!!!!! SO ALL THE GIRLS IN THE CLUB SAY OOOH KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY KELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MOTHERFUCKERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! OH MY MOTHERFUCKING GOD WHEN KELLY RAN IN TOO FAST AND NATTIE HURLED HER AT THE ROPES THAT WAS THE SCARIEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE. BUT SHE HUNG ON! THAT LOOKED SICK. WHAT A WORKER. She almost lost the rana too but she saved it. WHAT. A. WORKER. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT MICHELLE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY SUN AND STARS. It's like the Divas are each taking 5 minute shifts in this match, then comes the next one. WELL FUCK THAT I WANT THEM TO INTERACT AGAIN. DIVAS INVASION 4 LIFE. I'm so lame that when Naomi came out I immediately remembered that Kelly Kelly was her NXT Mentor. Naomi has offense tailor made for a Rumble house clean. NO! BECKY HANG ON! NOOOOOOOO! Fuck I wanted her and Sasha to go an hour brother. Fuck that. JACQUELINE! Divas Invasion represent! OK seriously what in the fuck. Jackie must be like 100 years old and SHE. LOOKS. THE. FUCKING. SAME. The Divas Locker Room is holding the secret to eternal youth. I enjoyed Steph marking out. LARIATS! Yeah fuck em up Jackie! Lariats for everybody. NO NOT KELLY! YOU TAKE YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF HER! STAY IN THERE! OH THANK GOD. I honestly thought she was gone there too. Kelly is the best at selling near eliminations. Whatta worker. That's why I voted for you baby girl. Oh man I am SO READY for Nia to fuck everyone up. Holy Shit Kelly is on her, imagine Nia Jax vs Kelly Kelly, how fucking dope would that have been. NO NOT KELLY! YOU WHORE! HOW DARE YOU! I HATE YOU NIA! Loved the crowd gasp when she lifted Ruby up. Military Press into the turnbuckle is fucking awesome, she should use that in another big match. NIA CAUGHT THE RANA LIKE SHE'S JOHN FUCKING CENA YES. That was cool tossing Naomi into all tOH SHIT OH SHIT SHE'S THERE SHE'S DOING A KOFI SHE'S DOING A KOFI PEOPLE THIS IS HAPPENING. YES! FUCKING ALL THE YESSES. HOLY SHIT EMBER MOON! BUT YOUR ARM! YOU ONLY HAVE ONE ARM SWEETIE NO. YOU'RE GONNA HURT YOURSELF. I am all here for Ember throwing one armed shit at Nia. WHAT IN THE ASSING FUCKING SHIT EMBER JUST DID LIKE A 1080 DEGREE FLIP BUMP OFF A HAIR TOSS. THAT SHIT IS BEYOND PHYSICS. AND SPEAKING OF NAOMI IS TIGHTROPEWALKING! YES! YOU GO GIRL! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? MARIA! MARIA MENOUNOS! HAHAHAHAHA FUCK SHE'S BUSY TAKING A SELFIE OF NAOMI BEHIND HER BUT SHE NEEDS YOUR CHAIR SWEETIE! PUSH HER! NO SHE'S DOING IT HERSELF! NAOMI IS KOFI-ING UP! YES! THAT WAS AMAZING. BAHAHAHAHAHA AND NIA CATCHES HER AND TOSSES HER AFTER ALL THAT. A THOUSAND STARS. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETH PHOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENIX!!!!! YES YES YES! I SO FUCKING WANTED BETH OUT HERE. FUCK HER UP BETH! BETH IS 2008 AS FUCK RIGHT NOW, ETERNAL LIKE THE REST, BACK INTO THE SPACE-TIME VORTEX WE GO. Beth visibly telling Nia "I wanted this!" and that is a 100% confirmed shoot brother. I cannot imagine how much Beth is marking out right now. About as much as Sasha probably. HEADBUTT! OMG LIFT HER! NO SHE CAN'T DO IT HAHA. GOD DAMN. NO WAIT SHE CAN! SHE IS! HOLY SHIT I THOUGHT IT WAS LEGIT BETH WORKED ME INTO A SHOOT OR WHATEVER PEOPLE SAY NOW, WHAT A MOTHERFUCKING WORKER. Between that and the HOF and the secret to eternal youth Beth could come back in tomorrow and be #1 babyface honest to God. BETH AND NATTIE! THE DIVAS OF BOOB! I MEAN DOOM! 2011 was a sexually confronting time for me guys, bear with me. OMG they're hugging. I am going to DIE. They must fucking love this so much my heart is breaking. OH NO SHE DIDNT! HOW COULD YOU! HOW DARE YOU! I HATE YOU NATTIE! Hahahaha fucking lulz at Carmella running in and fucking up a reaction shot from Nattie. ASUKA! OK the thing where she twirled around and her mask vanished was cool as fuck. I hope that is her actual entrance. I wouldn't even know. I am ready. HAHAHAHAHA FUCK Carmella screamed and ran away. HOLY FUCK SASHA IS DEAD. Surely they haven't done Asuka/Sasha on telly yet because Sasha would surely have passed away. OMG ASUKA AND EMBER! The crowd goes wild! This is bananas. But you have one arm sweetie Asuka may actually fucking kill you. ECLIPSE! ARGH NOT HER ARM! That was the nuttiest bump ever. How do people not get Ember. Asuka laughing and dancing at her is AMAZING. They are going to main event a PPV one day. MICKIE! IN SHORTS! Wow. This is truly mental. We haven't seen Mickie's ass since like 2006. Mickie comes off so much more important in this context, she spans like three generations of women. Carmella is screaming off screen "No put me down!" and like in the last 5 minutes Carmella has morphed into quite the stooging heel. Michelle must have rubbed off on her. I'm genuinely happy Nikki is back, her forearming bitches in the face and spearing the everloving FUCK out of Nattie is my jam. Carmella goes out a worker. Brie running wild and actually having insane YES chants with her was cool. The Bella Twins actually got a pop for teaming up. Reminder: we're in Philly. Philly smarks are popping for Torrie Wilson and Kelly Kelly and the fucking Bella Twins. I'm not sure what dimension you would even call this now. We have left the solar system. I love Bayley still but thank fuck she came out here and not #30. How sad is it that this isn't her Boyhood Dream moment. How fucking hard is it to book the simplest story in the world. Wow Rousey chants and the entire crowd JUMPS out of their seats when they see the clock come up. Wow are you guys EVER going to be disappointed. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too, but for a different reason. AHAHAHAHAHA OH WOAH! IT'S TIME TO ROCK N ROLL! MY LOVE! MY HEART! MY SOUL! MY SUN AND STARS, MOON OF MY LIFE! THE GREATEST BUMPER OF ALL TIME! THE GREATEST FUCKING WRESTLER OF ALL TIME FOR EVER AND EVER AMEN THE GOAT THE GOAT THE GOAT IS HERE ITS TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISH MOTHERFUCKING STRATUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS OMG GET A FUCKING LOAD OF THIS SHIT. TRISH VS SASHA. TRISH VS NATTIE. TRISH VS ASUKA. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN AT TAKEOVER TORONTO 2016 AND WE WERE ROBBED AND I'M STILL SO MAD. TRISH VS BAYLEY. OMG IMAGINE KING DICK SHIT TALKING HEEL TRISH FROM 2004 FUCKING POOR LITTLE INNOCENT BAYLEY'S SHIT COMPLETELY UP. STOP I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE. WHY CAN'T I STAY IN THIS BEAUTIFUL UTOPIA FOREVER. ALSO SHE IS A PIECE OF HUMAN ART MADE BY GOD HERSELF LOOK AT THIS BIRD LOOK AT THAT OUTFIT BITCH IS A 41 YR OLD MOTHER OF TWO AND SHE'S TRISH MOTHERFUCKING STRATUSING LIKE IT'S 2006 INTO THE DELOREAN WE GOOOOOOOOO THIS IS MY REAL LIFE RIGHT NOW. DOUBLE STRATUSFACTION! TRISH AND MICKIE! TRISH AND MICKIE! TRISH AND MICKIE! PEOPLE ARE GOING APESHIT. I'M GOING APESHIT. YOU DAMN FUCKING RIGHT WRESTLEMANIA THAT WAS THE GREATEST MATCH OF ALL TIME. UNTIL NOW. WAIT. WHAT. NO. WAY. GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. DID TRISH JUST SLIP THE PUSSY LICKING SIGN ONTO WWE TV IN 2018 UNDER THE COVER OF HOLDING 7 FINGERS UP?!?!?! SHE IS THE GREATEST FUCKING WRESTLER ON EARTH. MICKIE AND TRISH SELLING PUNCHES LIKE GANGBUSTERS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD. ITS 2016 AGAIN. MY HEART IS EXPLODING. GOAT SELLERS THESE TWO. NO! MICKIE! Why are these moments over as soon as they begin. I want to stay in this heaven until I am dust. BOOM NIA KILLS TRISH! Holy effing shit can you imagine babyface Trish bumping to her motherfucking death with Nia??? That match may have actually killed her. If I'm truly dreaming right now can I please order Trish singles matches with literally every single person in sight. I can't stop screaming. Now everyone gangs up on Nia. This is where my mum always goes "the big one never wins". NIA ROARS AND NIAS UP! Hell of a spot getting her out there. Nia was fucking great in this, so great that the people are booing. HOLY SHIT TRISH JUST PUNCHED SASHA'S LIGHTS OUT AND TOLD HER HOW IT IS!!! GIVE THEM AN HOUR! I'm seriously going to come down tomorrow and lose my mind because this is amazing and yet this is still all I'm ever going to get. This is the most epic cocktease in wrestling history. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS A 41 YEAR OLD MOTHER OF TWO AND SHE JUST KIPPED UP. God Bless yoga. Nattie with the Sharpshooter, Shades of Unforgiven 2006! Stop it, it's too soon! Trish is working out of her skin. It's honest to God like she never left. Maybe she hasn't. 12 years I've been dreaming. Who knows what time even is in this dimension. YES GET HER OUT! DO IT! TOSS EM ALL! FOR THE DIVAS INVASION! FOR ME! TRISH AND SASHA! HOLY SHIT TRISH MOCKED HER DANCE! GIVE THEM TWO HOURS! AT WRESTLEMANIA! IN THE MAIN EVENT! This is in fucking sane. I have a new white whale dream match to torment me for all eternity. NO NOT AGAIN YOU'LL GET TOSSED! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! OMG Trish looking up at her from the floor in admiration like she did at Mickie from NYR 2006 has annihilated me. Fare thee well my love, you're still the GOAT, then, now, forever. Nobody can touch Trish. OH GOD Asuka is going to kill her. Hahahaha blam! Sasha has been going for an hour, now she's turning heel to stay in this thing which is SO INDESCRIBABLY PERFECT FOR SASHA'S CHARACTER ARC GOING ALL THE WAY BACK TO NXT I CAN HARDLY SCREAM. Shit she's going wild. This is next level. I miss King Dick Sasha. OH NO OUT! WOAH WTF. NO! SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO WRESTLE FOREVER! The Bellas and Asuka is a legitimately terrifying finishing stretch because I was going completely insane at the idea that they'd put one of the fucking Bella Twins over Asuka so I bit on fucking EVERYTHING. Asuka kicking them to death was glorious. Hahaha as soon as Brie was dangling there I was screaming "SHE'S GONNA KNOCK HER SISTER OFF!" AND THEN SHE KNOCKED HER SISTER OFF! This is also completely consistent with character. I am SO SOLD on Asuka and Nikki, give them a PPV. Imagine the forearm battle this would be. The entire end sequence was tremendous and tense as fuck. Not one but TWO Nikki forearms didn't do the job (and Nikki sold the shit out of them not doing the job too, what a worker) and then Asuka blindsiding her with the kneecap. Great sudden finish. If I can stop screaming for a second and make the very real point that I made earlier today before the match even began and I didn't know she was going to win. Can you even imagine, even three years ago, considering the idea of a WWE PPV main event ending with a Japanese joshi worker winning the Royal Rumble. This is completely insane. What a world we live in right now as fans. I thought Asuka was gonna be all like "I'm hardcore, I'll take em both" but NOPE THEY'VE MOVED COLOMBIA I GUESS BECAUSE ROWDY RONDA FUCKING ROUSEY IS HERE. What a fucking pop. I am fucking HOWLING at Maria Menounos having the wherewithall to remember that she's the ring announcer and announcing Ronda Rousey when nobody else in the building can remember to breathe. What a worker. WOW Asuka slapping her hand away was a genuine holy shit you're gonna die moment. Ronda vs Asuka Summerslam main event please and thank you. Ronda's Wrestlemania pointing is already at 110% cheesiness level so she's well on her way to becoming a wrestler already. Ooooooh the big face off with Steph! That was the slickest looking wrestling handshake ever. This is amazing, this looks like such a big fucking deal. I don't know if you've been able to tell or not but I have had the time of my fucking life today. The women's Royal Rumble. So many of my Divas era heroes showing up and putting work in like time travelling sorcerers and making all my impossibly impossible dreams come true. They got the main event. It came off fucking great. Asuka won. And then the signing of Rousey making everything feel twice as big. I'm so fucking happy she came out here and didn't just win the Rumble too by the way. This was the right way. This was a fucking triumph. Seriously I cannot explain the fantastical level of wish fulfillment of the last hour. Sorry if anyone else was watching the show but they booked it for an audience of one: me. They haven't done that in years. I never wanted it to end. I don't want to have to go back to normal life after this. I want to live up here in the clouds forever. I have said this over and over again ad nauseum I know, but grabbing Divas era girls and teleporting them into the present so they can have real matches too has been my fantasy for years and I KNEW it was never going to actually happen because time travel isn't technically possible but apparently it IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE because it just happened and a bunch of Divas just teleported from the mid 00s into 2018 to give me this match and now I believe in fair dinkum miracles because mine just came true. Through wrestling all things are possible. I think I'm coming down. I think I'll be coming down from this match for the rest of my life. Nothing in wrestling is going to pop me this hard again until the girls main event Mania. I need a doctor.

Countdown to the Divas Invasion is on guys. Strap in.

I hate to say it but the women will struggle to follow that.