William Bologna

Tiger Mask vs. Ultraman June 18, 1982 How is Tiger Mask supposed to defend his WWF Junior title against Ultraman? Dynamite Kid was a challenge, but he couldn't make himself building-sized or shoot laser beams. For whatever reason, Ultraman decides to take it easy on the champ. He doesn't do any of his signature kaiju-battling moves, and in fact he seems incapable of doing anything. They have one of those 80s juniors matches - matwork, run real fast, matwork - with a twist: They screw up pretty much everything. Twelve minutes of them bonking off each other. The last straw comes when Ultra does to the top for a cross body block and slips through Tiger Mask's hands. I've never seen a reaction like Sayama's here. He looks at his empty hands and crumples. He seems genuinely sad that Ultraman isn't safe in his arms. Then he picks him up and Germans him for the win. What a mess. One of wrestling's fun facts is that Satoru Sayama, who got famous using as unrealistic a style as possible (i.e., dressing like a cartoon and doing flips), had a second act as an apostle of shoot style, the antithesis of all things Tiger Maskish. My new theory is that it was the trauma from this debacle that led to his transformation. Whatever it took, Sayama had to make sure that he'd never again be called upon to catch clumsy Mexicans.

El Lindaman Vs. Tetsuya Izuchi July 1, 2002 Back to GLEAT. Our one-off is young Tetsuya Izuchi, challenging El Lindaman for the G-Rex Championship, which is short for "GLEATannysaurus Rex." The big screen flashes "New Generation" as he comes out, and it's not kidding: Izuchi appears to be 12 years old and nervous. He looks like a kid dressed as a modern puroresu player for Halloween: bleach blond, tights with too much crap on them, and a big elaborate Okada robe. Everyone tried to look different and wound up looking the same. Did they get the cue from Go Shiozaki (he's the oldest guy I can think looking like this), or is this all Final Fantasy's fault? El Lindaman, meanwhile, presents a contrast between traditional and modern. He's wearing the classic Karl Gotch black trunks and boots, juxtaposed with a genuinely preposterous tan, the same hair color as his opponent, sparkly painted fingernails, and a Paul Wall glittering grill-style mouthpiece. Both men are wearing medals with a G on them. Izuchi has one, but E.L. is sporting two and gets another one afterwards. I don't know. Izuchi didn't make an impression. He did a lot of kicks, and maybe they look better if you're not looking for the thigh slaps. He has a way to go with making us believe. On the other hand, El Lindaman is a damn star, and there's no one else quite like him. He throws himself around like a mahogany cannonball, and when he takes a big bump (often off his own move), he SCREAMS. His offense is convincing, his body language is compelling, and he even brings some whimsy with him. He's constantly talking - like, full sentences. I don't know what they mean, but I agree with all of them regardless. The difference in facials is enormous. E.L. presents as all-in on everything he's doing. If he's looking to hurt the guy, he has the eyes of a predator. If he's working through self-inflicted back pain, you feel it. Izuchi has that "I'm concentrating on doing a wrestling move" face that takes me out of things. I liked this, but I wouldn't call it great. They had a chance to do something after Izuchi hurt his leg (he kicked the ringpost when Linda ducked), but they didn't stick with it. It was entertaining seeing the ref constantly stomping the mat after something got dislodged on a suplex. When they were both down, I thought he was trying to get some heat on himself before I realized what he was doing. El Lindaman wins with a series tiny feats of strength (he's much shorter than Izuchi). The challenger tries a jumping knee in the corner; Linda hoists and throws him. He hits Izuchi with a deadlift German, and a bit later catches a strike, rolls him around on the mat, and tiger suplexes him for the pin. His suplexes are very impressive. I'm going to need to do some El Lindaman research, because I find myself entranced by this weirdo.

Antonio Inoki vs. Killer Karl Krupp May 8, 1974 I was looking forward to this, but that's because I thought it was Killer Karl Kox. But instead of the Dynamite Kid to Dick Murdoch's Chris Benoit, we get this Dutch guy who looks just like Shel Silverstein pretending to be a Nazi. It's funny how the Nazi gimmick developed. There's nothing particularly fascist or German about putting a claw on someone's head or black tights with a red stripe, but Killer Karl is standing on the shoulders of giants (well, giant fake Nazis), using Fritz's finishing hold and von Raschke's pants. That's a guess - I couldn't tell you exactly where the accoutrements to the Nazi gimmick came from. Maybe there's some wrestling Hannah Arendt out there who's gone through it all. I had the wrong Killer in mind, but NJPW World has the wrong data on this match. This is the end of the 1974 World League, and we have a three-way tie, so Krupp, Inoki, and Seiji Sakaguchi are going to wrestle one another. All Japan would do this for the Carnival in 1997, and Meltzer just would not stop calling it a triangle match, leading to generations of confusion. So first we get: Seiji Sakaguchi vs. Killer Karl Krupp May 8, 1974 Krupp is all kicks and punches, and they don't all look awful. Sometimes he gets a head of steam and it's kind of OK. I get the impression that he was a night off - nobody's getting any welts from these strikes, and when we go outside he's leaving a lot of distance between his opponent's head and the ringpost. Then there's the brain claw, the infamous torture device of the Third Reich. We spend a great deal of time trying to stay engaged while he grimaces and tries to pretend that he's holding his hand there with ill intent. I like Sakaguchi's presence. He's big, and he comes off as serious and intense. He shows some good fire when things go chaotic. I had no idea his kid was a wrestler! He's spent his career in indies and MMA, so I guess he's not very good. He's got connections, you know? Eventually things break down, and Krupp brings in a foreign object, which is the kind of strategic mistake that Nazis are famous for. Not only does this get him disqualified, it also gets him hit in the head with his own weapon. Oops! We move on to: Antonio Inoki vs. Seiji Sakaguchi May 8, 1974 Neither of these guys is a one-off, so I fast forwarded. It ends when Inoki has Sakaguchi in a figure four, which he refuses to release even after they get to the ropes. What the hell, Inoki? I'm puzzled by his continual bad sportsmanship. While they're in this vulnerable position, Krupp comes goose-stepping back with a masked guy (there's an Invader on the card, so I guess it's he) and start beating them up. Sakaguchi is all bloody from his brain being clawed and unable to continue, so finally: Antonio Inoki vs. Killer Karl Krupp May 8, 1974 As we near 40 minutes and the competitors are motionless in the middle of the ring working the least convincing hold in wrestling, my patience leaves me. Krupp injures his clawing hand on a missed body press (awful), and Inoki stomps it and then wins with a surfboard. He gets a trophy from Vince Sr.

Giant Singh vs. Chris Candido Feb 1, 2002 When I saw Candido on the list, I figured we'd get a forgotten low-card barn-burner with Liger or Minoru Tanaka or something. Instead, here's the Great Khali. I can't explain why I like wrestling, but I can tell you a lot of things I hate about it. Here's one: Who ever loved wrestling more than Chris Candido? Who worked harder, cared more? Well, wrestling doesn't care about that. Oh, you're 5'6"? Go fuck yourself. So here he is jerking the curtain against a seven foot tall acromegalic body builder with all the ability and charisma of a pile of laundry that somehow managed to inject itself with a bunch of steroids. And he's a total pro about it, which makes it even more frustrating. He struts, he points to his head, and he gets all spooked and bug-eyed every time Khali does anything. He does everything he can to make this watchable and make Giant Singh look like . . . well, like a wrestler. In fact, as much as I want to complain about this match even existing and Khali being in wrestling at all, it's pretty damn good for a four minute squash match. Khali not only doesn't kill anyone (this time), he seems like he's taking care of Candido on the several enormous bumps he takes. There's a continuum running from Andre the Giant to El Gigante (who has four matches on NJPW World!), Khali at least isn't all the way at the end. It's not his fault that wrestling acts like a toxoplasma on some people. It takes permanent residence in their brains, they dedicate their lives to it, and it chews them up as heartlessly as any housecat presented with a terminally fearless mouse.

My point is that they weren't very popular. They couldn't fill the Mobile Civic Center, and New Japan was relying on them to fill the Tokyo Dome.

Lex Luger vs. Masahiro Chono Jan 4, 1992 Lex Luger has the WCW title because Ric Flair quit, and he's putting it on the line against Chono here in the Tokyo Dome. Shinya Hashimoto and Kotetsu Yamamoto are on commentary. This should be an interesting exercise. Chono always bored/annoyed the hell out of me, but the one time I saw a match from before Steve Austin broke his neck, I was impressed. Luger, universally considered a bum, has been undergoing a critical reappraisal. So let's see. Luger comes out energetic, hitting some power moves and flexing harder than I've ever seen - I was worried he was going to bust a blood vessel. Lot of yelling, too. Chono, on the other hand, is relying on technique, and they tell an interesting story for a couple minutes. Chono evades a big move, does a drop toehold, and goes into some matwork. Luger slaps the mat in frustration as he's caught in a couple hiptosses. This is actually the high point. Chono puts no effort into an armbar, and Luger doesn't look like it's bothering him much. They fill out the match with Chono doing bored matwork, and I find my focus beginning to wander. Luger didn't impress me either. He doesn't appreciate tension or anticipation. Early on, they're in the corner and the ref calls for a clean break. Luger hits Chono, but it's too sudden; he doesn't put any distance between himself and Chono. It was easy to miss, and they get no reaction. Later he hits Chono with a vertical suplex, and it's too quick. There aren't all that many hot moves in this match, so that's something you should struggle with a little bit. Let it breathe. They do finally get off the mat and do a bunch of stuff; it's OK. Chono hits a couple Yakuza kicks (probably not called that yet), which were always the only thing I liked about him, and then puts on the STF. Luger taps the mat a couple times on his way to the ropes, but this was before UFC so you could still do that. Luger gets Chono in the torture rack (no build-up; he just hoists him), and they spill outside. Luger racks Chono for a ten count (it looks awful - he's just weakly jiggling Chono), and the crowd starts roaring as Chono barely makes it back in. Chono gets some hope spots (they don't fumble all of them) until Luger fouls him, and the boos fall like rain. Lex polishes him off with an elbow drop from the second rope. Was that a normal finisher for him? It was lame. I didn't hate this quite as much as it sounds, and I wonder if it's owing to the atmosphere. I also reviewed the main event (Fujinami vs. Choshu), and it was better but similar: The crowd was going crazy while the stuff in the ring was putting me to sleep. I find this curious: This is the first January 4 Dome show, and they got 50 or 60 thousand people in there, relying on WCW talent - we got Dusty and Dustin, Arn Anderson and Larry Zbyszko, El Gigante - all the brightest stars of a promotion that wasn't drawing flies back home. I didn't hear any "We want Flair!" chants. Did the New Japan fans not know how crappy WCW was in 1992?

Tracer X vs. Great-O-Khan Feb 1, 2019 Great-O-Khan has had a half a year to work on the gimmick. How do we stand as we move the world tour to North Carolina? He's worked on the look, and I wish his genetics had cooperated. He's bulked up a bit, and he's real shaggy - messy beard, lots of hair. Kind of a Masa Saito thing, and who ever looked cooler than he? These days he still has the beard, but he lost the hair. What are you going to do? I guess he could have consulted with Animal Hamaguchi. Regarding his opponent: When I saw "Tracer X," I was expecting a mask. Probably with an X on it; maybe he's secretly the brother of Speed Tracer. Instead, we get a youth pastor. This is a better version of the previous match. Khan looks actually pretty menacing, so his basic heel offense is effective. Tracer X is just perfect on defense. He's slim and virtuous-looking, perfectly cast to get beaten up by a hairy Mongol. The cracks show when he gets his hope spots. He looks like he's concentrating when doing a move. He lacks sprezzatura. And at one point he tries to suplex Khan and yells, "X gonna give it to him!" I would have advised against that if he'd asked me ahead of time. But this was rad, a confirmation of wrestling's timeless conventions. Monster heel doing heel things vs. the likeable babyface doing likeable things. It works, as the generations before us knew it would. Tracer seems to have quit a few years ago. He had a day job and all; he probably had to make a choice. It was almost certainly the right one, but I was impressed with his work in this one.

Great-O-Khan Vs. Danny Duggan July 1, 2018 We on a world tour with Great-O-Khan Dominating suckers all across the land Charlotte, England, Nasvhille, Tokyo If I'd thought ahead, I would have thrown the Bravado Bro match in here, but let's take a look at the early days of the Great-O-Khan gimmick. This is day two, and he's still called "Great-O-Kharn." But that's OK because we're at a Rev Pro show in England and it sounds the same either way. I think I would have known he was still getting used to the gimmick even if I didn't know it. He doesn't have the facials right - he's looking down all the time, and he does his heel offense (ear-based stuff, nonchalant pins) without looking like he means it. It's a great crowd. They're not super vocal, but they clap along for all the comebacks. They start to make noise when Duggan's about to get counted out, which prompts Kevin Kelly (annoying) to notice. Duggan didn't make an impression. He's a young, clean-cut blue eye, but as we'll see in a bit there are better examples of this type to throw at Mr. O'Kharn, who eventually wins after a Mongolian chop from the middle rope. I liked that he did his little dance that makes the chops hurt more before he did it, but it's good that he didn't stick with this as his finisher. As an aside, I find these UK indie matches dispiriting because there's nothing English about them other than the accent of the guy doing tired WWF heel announcing. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for, but this isn't any different than any other small show with some New Japan guys that you can see anywhere else. Is it Big Daddy's fault? Did SummerSlam 1992 ruin everything? I don't know why this is bothering me so much.

Antonio Inoki Vs. Lefthook Dayton Apr 3, 1979 There's not much out there about Mike "Lefthook" Dayton. He seems more famous as a bodybuilder than a fighter, but he was on the cover of Inside Kung Fu magazine. He's got light gloves, long shiny pants, a pair of Asics, and the most 70s possible look: Sleazy moustache and a great big perm. He appears to be the most qualified of Inoki's fake martial arts opponents. He jumps Inoki during the introductions, so he knows how to cheat, and he can do a little bit of everything. He's got takedown defense and grappling skills, and his strikes are either pulled more convincingly than Wepner or Monster Man could pull off, or he just doesn't give a damn and is stiffing Inoki the whole time. We get a lot of action in the early rounds, but the crowd isn't responding as much as they should be. I really think Inoki should be selling more in these things, if only to get people invested. He does do a good job of looking worn out and even a little worried between rounds - there's a camera pointed right at his face when he takes a breather. We didn't know as much about mixed martial arts back then as we do now. Inoki gets a rear naked choke on Dayton, who just elbows out it. Now we know you can't do that. The big offensive move that Inoki settles on is grabbing Dayton by the perm and headbutting him. It's not the most plausible thing in the match, and man does he do it a lot. Dayton uses jabs and kicks to keep his distance from the wrestler, which is perfectly logical, but Inoki can always just reach out and bonk him. Eventually Lefthook starts bleeding, and I'd love know if this was hardway or if he somehow bladed. That couldn't have been easy with the gloves. The basic problem here is that it goes on too long. There's a great, great sequence where Inoki catches a flying knee, works his way into a waistlock, forces Dayton's arm around his neck, and backdrops the shit out of him. The fans are going crazy, I'm going crazy, and Dayton's confused and stunned like a duck hit on the head. But then he gets up and they fight for another three rounds. If they'd wrapped it up in ten minutes it would have been five stars, but they don't have enough ideas to go as long as they did. It's just headbutt after headbutt (and we're relying on the ref doing a lousy job - a lot of these headbutts are on the ground). Finally in round six, Dayton comes out swinging wildly but Inoki permbutts him and backdrops him twice for the KO. This should have been the best one, but I have to put it below the Wepner and Eddy matches. Still better than I thought any of these would be.

Makai No. 4 & Makai No. 5 Vs. Takashi Iizuka & Masahito Kakihara Jan 4 2003 Ladies and gentlemen, this is Makai Number Five. There is a connection here. Two, actually, but only one was intentional. Makai Club was a heel stable whose manager was Kantaro Hoshino, so I thought this would be a good follow-up. Makai No. 1 was good old Junji Hirata again, but he's not in this one. Instead we get Katsuyori Shibata and Mitsuya Nagai. I don't know which one is which. There's a blue one and red one. The other connection is that it's worked the same way as Kotetsu Yamamoto's retirement match, except this one sucks. They take turns, and it doesn't build to anything until the finish. The difference is that there's nothing interesting going on. Makai Club are bad guys (and also a vacation resort in Hawaii), but after one early misdemeanor, they barely cheat. If it weren't for the masks, you'd have no idea they were villainous or any different from anyone else. Sure, they're pretty shooty with their kickpads and all, but so is Kakihara. There actually is a story: Back in 2001, Nagai almost killed Iizuka - it's at 9:25 here. Iizuka was in the corner, dropped down when Nagai wasn't expecting it, and caught a kickpad in the throat. It ruined a five-match NJPW vs AJPW series – since Nagai accidentally won, the final match was rendered meaningless with All Japan up 3-1. It didn't do Iizuka any good either. So the idea is that Iizuka recognizes Makai No. Whatever as the crowbar who injured him and is out for revenge. The problem is that I had to get this story from Wikipedia - if they tried telling it in the ring, it went right over my head. I guess Iizuka's a little cranky? They do the kicks in the corner spot again, but since it doesn't almost kill Iizuka it doesn't have the same impact. It's dull rather than bad. Kakihara looks good doing anything, so it's nice to see him get a turn. I never thought much of Nagai, but I got nothing against the other two. It's just a limp match. Eventually the red one puts Iizuka down with a springboard knee strike from the apron, which is cool, and then we have a brawl. We do get a glimpse of Hoshino, as well as young lion Toru Yano trying to break things up. If they'd replaced the Makais with those two, this would have been worth watching.

Thanks! I like the Hoshino/Putski comparison. Every time I see Putski, I think "They all say this guy's terrible, but this is great!"

Remember that bullshit about Kenny Omega’s corner throwing in the towel? You can’t do that against a guy with Okada’s offense. Another short arm clothesline could have ended Omega’s career!

Kotetsu Yamamato & Kantaro Hoshino vs. Goro Tsurumi & Katsuzo Oiyama Apr 4, 1980 You want to see what NJPW World makes me put up with? They have this match listed as "Yamamoto Small Iron Game Yamamoto Small Iron & Kantaro Hoshino Vs. Goro Tsurumi & Large Mount Kurai Katsuzo." Get it together, Gedo - I hit the "English" button on your streaming service and it turns it into a Mr. Sparkle commercial. Everyone but Hoshino is a one-off. Goro & Tsurumi are from IWE, and they're definitely bad guys. Tsurumi even has a little skull and crossbones on his gear. They do not seem to have made much an impression: Every half-ass puroresu website has an article about Goro Tsurumi, but none of them knows anything about Goro Tsurumi. Hoshino was awesome in the Fujinami thread, a tiny badass who took out Tenryu in a WAR vs. NJPW match and won it for the good guys. He's listed at 5'7", and I mean come on. I know wrestling is about suspension of disbelief, but I don't know if two Kantaros Hoshino in a trenchcoat add up to 5'7". It's Yamamato's retirement match, and everyone's giving him flowers, even some little kids. He's looking a bit like late Akiyama, with his shaved head and high-waisted white trunks. Hoshino once got into a sorta shoot with Dynamite Kid, and it's funny how similar their styles are. He's always the smallest guy in the match, but he works like he doesn't know it. He will face off with a guy a head taller than he is, and rather than outsmarting him or getting out of his way, SLAP right in the damn face. I really enjoyed this. It was sloppy but in a way that I like. They each grab a leg and do the thing where you wrap it up and drop backwards to make it hurt more, and Hoshino's head winds up in the ropes. But that's fine! Their reach exceeds their grasp when they try to backdrop Tsurumi onto Large Mount, but that's OK! As I was figuring out what to say about this one, @SAMS reviewed another Hoshino match and summed it up: That's exactly it. It's pretty aimless with its back and forthery, but I liked the characters and the work was pitched just right for me. Meltzer has this whig history view of wrestling and a mechanical sense of what makes a match good. There is inexorable, positive progress. People do more moves and do them more crisply, so of course there were more 6 star matches in the 2020s than in all of history (or whatever). You can guess from my tone what I think of that idea, but I have been trying to figure out my sweet spot. I don't like too much matwork, and I do like definitive finishes. This one felt ahead of its time - it's pretty go-go for 1980, and the finish could not be any more definitive: Yamamoto hits a brutal frog splash to massacre his opponent, and then we cut to him in a suit crying. Kinda sloppy, Kantaro Hoshino, and a big finish: I'm not saying this should be everyone's favorite match, but it was just right for me.

Jimmy Snuka vs. Larry Sharpe Aug 3, 1985 NWA Polynesian presents A Hot Summer Night from Aloha Stadium! I already watched a Fujinami & Kimura tag from this show, but we're going to be working through quite of a bit of it in this thread (NJPW doesn't have the main event, though; it's a Ric Flair title defense with what looks like a lousy finish). Larry Sharpe looks like you asked an AI to draw you a sleazy 80s wrestler. I don't know anything about the guy, and maybe his personal life is beyond reproach, but you see a flabby bottle blond like Larry and you expect him to take your thirty bucks and skip town. Fortunately, his look fits his persona. He bumrushes Snuka during the intros and does basic heel offense until Superfly hulks up, at which point Larry offers a handshake. I love heel shtick and handshake spots, so Larry Sharpe is OK by me. We have 16 (!) matches to get through tonight, so Snuka does the splash and we're done after about two minutes. I guess I need to force myself to watch some Inoki, because the last five matches have added up to about 15 minutes. There's nothing to say!

Sumika Yanagawa, rhythm & Misa Kamikira Vs. YAKO, President Ram & Nao Ishikawa Jan 10, 2022 This is from Takataichi Mania, an event presented by TAKA Michinoku's Just Tap Out Pro Wrestling, which is more of a real promotion than I would have guessed. They run two shows a month. Two of our competitors immediately stand out: President RAM aka Ramkaicho has waist-length blond hair, a white-painted face, and an M. Bison costume. She gives the finger a lot and is noticeably tiny, even in this company. rhythm has a nearly unGoogleable name and one of the coolest masks I've ever seen. It's like a Bandido mask with butterfly wings on the sides. Aside from the mask, she's dressed like I Dream of Jeannie. As far as the others go, three of them are dressed like princesses, and Yanagawa looks like they found her at the mall and asked her if she wanted to wrestle, but she's still not sure why she said yes. The match is seven minutes of finishing stretch. They never slow down, so nothing is really going to stick with you. Ram did a 619 and a Rainmaker (complete with camera zoom-out), and eventually Yanagawa wins with a pretty nifty submission. It was totally fine. Much better than the last six-woman tag where I didn't know anyone.

Masa Saito vs. Great Kojika Jan 4 1997 We conclude Big Japan vs. New Japan with the fourth installment. To recap: Shinjiro Otani (NJ) beat Yoshihiro Tajiri (BJ). It was pretty good. Kendo Nagasaki (BJ) got the indie on the scoreboard by beating Tatsutoshi Goto. Masa Chono (NJ) and Shoji Nakamaki (BJ) did some kind of outsider guerilla performance art in which Chono pinned Nakamaki. So by the time the 56 year olds come out, Big Japan just barely has chance to tie it up. If they take it seriously, they could prove themselves on the biggest stage. But instead company founder Great Kojika comes out wearing a tuxedo with a vest covered in hand grenades. I just don't get this shit at all. The first two matches were straight, then we get all this weirdness that I don't think is even supposed to funny. They make Kojika take off the vest, but he puts his jacket back on. Saito Chonos it up, not selling anything and beating up Kojika and eventually three of his henchmen all at the same time. He wins with a heel hook, and the bizarre interpromotional battle is at end.

Masahiro Chono vs. Shoji Nakamaki Jan 4, 1997 I didn't know Chono made a habit of wrestling deathmatch guys. We've all seen at least the intros for his match with Onita, right? Onita comes out to X's crappy version of "Wild Thing" and lights a cigarette while everyone throws trash at him. You think Jon Moxley has watched that once or twice? Well two years before that he took on the poor man's Onita, Shoji Nakamaki. I've never seen a Nakamaki match, but he's well known as a triumph of will over ability, a former writer who developed an unquenchable desire to sustain puncture wounds. Some people are like that. Society tells you not to take a weed whacker to the stomach, and it doesn't even say it very often because who the hell would do that, but someone does it regardless. On the undercard of the 1997 January 4 dome show, they did a Big Japan vs. New Japan thing. It turns out Tajiri vs. Otani was part one, and this is the third bout (we're skipping #2 because Kendo Nagasaki has four matches on NJPW World, and I'll probably do the final one right after this). Nakamaki comes down that walkway to the ring carrying a barbed wire board on his back, a Kimo-esque witness for deathmatch wrestling. Chono runs down, yells at him, and punches him. We're off! The crowd is absolutely molten for this. Did they even know enough about Big Japan Pro Wrestling to be so fervent about it losing? I get throwing garbage at Onita, but who would have thought that ol' Dai Nihon could get this kind of reaction? Chono no-sells everything Nakamaki does and yells at him. 1:20 and the Danger Man is bleeding, and at 1:30 we're finally in the ring. It's the weirdest goddamn match I've ever seen. Chono sits on the turnbuckle and invites Nakamaki to suplex him off of it, then no sells it. I'm thinking this a waste of my time, but the paying customers are loving it. He invites Nakamaki to put him in a headlock, they come off the ropes, and he hits a yakuza kick and pins him (match time: 1:07). Chono's not done. He puts Nakamaki in an STF, and some Big Japan guy comes into save him, but Hiro Saito ejects him and sentons the loser a few times. Nakamaki makes a post-match comeback, but Chono reverses an Irish whip and sends him into the barbed wire board. Then there's a very awkward sequence where he puts Nakamaki on the turnbuckle, and Nakamaki asks him (Chono) to suplex him (Nakamaki) onto the board, after which he takes off his shirt and intentionally bumps on the board a few more times. The only thing I liked was Nakamaki's shirt, which said "Indy Spirit Red King of DEATHMATCH."

It's all works, big daddy!

Akira Maeda vs. Paul Orndorff Apr 21, 1983 Akira Maeda is back from Europe. The fans are so happy to see him that there's confetti in his hair, and he has souvenirs: A belt that says "Europe Heavyweight Championship" and Karl Gotch. His opponent and our one-off is Paul Orndorff, who will get on a plane right after this to start his WWF run (this is April 21; his first WWF match is April 23). Odd match. We get two minutes of energetic matwork. Then Maeda hits a rad, non-cooperative-looking belly-to-belly suplex, a spin kick that Orndorff doesn't know how to bump for, and a rad, non-cooperative-looking double-arm suplex. The pin is all messed up. Orndorff's shoulders are not on the mat. Given the physics of the move, it is impossible for them to be. The ref counts regardless, but it's not clear that he makes it to three. Maybe there are different rules for the Europe Heavyweight Championship. The crowd is befuddled, but they soon recover enough to cheer the returning hero and listen an in-ring interview. This was just great for three minutes, but that's all there was. You guys could have kept going!

Shinya Aoki vs. Yu Iizuka July 1, 2022 Am I going to have to watch this whole show? I was dreading Inoki, but it turns out I missed the real enemy. It's GLEAT. GLEAT is the real enemy. Double one-off. Yu Iizuka is a young shoot-style guy. Shinya Aoki is a legit fighter best known for being just an irredeemable asshole. You ever see the clip where a skinny guy in rainbow pants breaks a guy's arm and then puts his middle finger right in the face of his writhing opponent? That's him. The match is billed as being under UWF rules, and look. I know a lot of people like this kind of thing, and I'm not saying they're wrong, but I am saying that I ain't one of them. I'm not going to extend myself describing much of this because I don't have the vocabulary for it and I'm not interested. The GLEAT Universe is as "respectful" for this as they were for everything else. They pop twice: First for a showy bit where they lie in the middle of the ring and arrange themselves into a nightmarish mass of arms and legs. And again for the finish: Iizuka hits a big throw but then Aoki chokes him. I suppose age has mellowed Aoki. He doesn't break anything on the youngster, and he's dressed somberly enough for a shoot style funeral.

Hawk Warrior & Animal Warrior & Power Warrior VS Rick Steiner & Scott Steiner & Scott Norton Apr 29, 1996 I bet they were kicking themselves that they already used “Steroids Warriors Showdown” on Norton vs. Evad. Look at this collection of action figures! It's like one of those "be the American the Japanese think you are" memes. It's a cool idea. We get the two big, drug-inflated, reckless American tag teams, and both have summoned reinforcements. The Steiners added a third giant dude in a singlet, the Road Warriors have our second straight fake one-off, "Power Warrior." PW is Kensuke Sasaki in armor and facepaint, reviving a gimmick from earlier in his career when he and Hawk put together an ersatz Road Warriors while Animal wasn't around. This is a special occasion: Kensuke's back in the paint, and Animal is returning after a long injury - he gets a huge pop when tags in for the first time. The work is what you'd expect and the best use of this cast. Power moves one after the other. Scott Steiner hits a dragon suplex on Animal, which I wasn't expecting. He then puts Animal in a Boston crab, in which position Animal does some push-ups. We're all having fun. I'm not sure this is a great role for Kensuke. He's a big, beefy guy, but his beef levels look minuscule in this company. He's shorter, less muscular, and pudgier than anyone else. The Steiners are augmented by what's basically an even bigger Steiner, while the Warriors look like they brought their sister's kid. He also gets the hell beat out of him. He's roughed up outside the ring. Huge powerbomb from Norton, huge German from Rick, Frankensteiner from Scott. He makes a hot comeback with that judo throw thing he does (very nifty) but takes all the air out by putting on a submission that everyone knows isn't going to do anything. And a minute later, he actually does make the hot tag to Hawk - he should have skipped the sad attempt at matwork and gone straight to his corner. I thought we were building up to Power Warrior redeeming himself and getting the win, but instead we're giving it to Animal. He's sitting on the turnbuckle, and Hawk helps him set up Rick for a powerslam. Scott comes in bushwhacks Hawk, but Animal has just enough time to hit to the move and make the pin. This was a lot of fun. Didn't make you think too hard.

Keiji Muto Vs. Demolition Ax Feb 5, 1991 Demolition Ax (Bill Eadie) is the one-off, but he's not really. He has other entries as Masked Superstar and Superstar Machine. For the extremely official purposes of this thread, I'm going to count it. He won't be the last example. There were two Demolitions running around at this point, just like a surprising number of rock bands. Eadie was done with the WWF, so he found himself a tall Canadian and started anew. Meanwhile, Smash and Crush were still demolishing things back home. This makes Demolition wrestling's Yes, Asia, Queensryche, Gene Loves Jezebel, Herman's Hermits, Bay City Rollers, and Faust. Among others. This is singles action, though, and the opponent is a fresh-faced young Keiji Muto. He's back from the States and on his way up. He'll win the title next year and go on to a career full of title victories, memorable matches, and only a couple promotions ruined. I know Demolition has their admirers (not saying they're wrong; don't know), but Eadie in the face paint doesn't work for me. He has an aggressively regular-looking face, if that makes any sense, complemented by an extremely regular-looking haircut. The facepaint doesn't do anything to monsterfy his regular-looking expressions, and combined with the gear, you can't get away from the "cranky dad in a Halloween costume" vibe. It's an 80s kind of match, but decades don't really start until a few years in anyway. Eadie takes a powder to avoid Muto's exciting babyface offense and tells the fans to shut up. I'm in exactly the mood for this kind of pro wrestling shtick after watching all that bad fake martial arts. I am renewed and refreshed by Ax's WWF house show stylings. The pair work together fine, aside from a couple amusing mixups on irish whips. Eadie's a suitable base for Muto, and this version of Keiji gets sympathy when Eadie hits him with a sign or even just holds him in a headlock. There's no build - Muto takes over, hits an elbow, and moonsaults his way to victory. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone, but it's exactly what I needed. Just some regular-ass old pro wrestling.

Antonio Inoki vs. Gerard Gordeau Jan 4, 1995 This is the other first round match in the Underpants Sponsor Martial Arts Cup. Sting made it to the finals after a . . . let's say memorable match against some kickboxer. Whom will he face? And can we maintain that level of match quality? Unfortunately yes. I'd love an explanation of the competitor selection for this tournament. It's Inoki's thing, so of course he's in it. But after that: Sting, who's as convincing a martial artist as Frank Dux. Tony Palmore, who may have been a good kickboxer ten years before but was washed up and looked like crap. Gerard Gordeau, who isn't quite as puzzling as the other two, but couldn't have been the best choice. He's an accomplished and well-rounded martial artist, and at the first UFC he kicked a guy's tooth into the crowd and made it to the finals. But he looks like crap, and he can't work. I mean, I know you shouldn't judge a book by its cover and Gordeau was actually an ass-kicker and all, but this is pro wrestling and image counts. We don't have to go full Vince and push every Tom Magee who comes along, but Gordeau looks like he gets ready to train by extinguishing his cigarette in his beer and then pouring the beer over his chest because his infected prison tattoo is starting to flare up. They were better at this is in the 70s. And that goes for the work as well, because this is dreadful. It's not his fault, but Inoki got old, and he's showing his 50+ years. He's slow, and his selling is pathetic rather than compelling. He looks like a stooped old man in pain rather than a resilient warrior. You can make this kind of thing work - you ever see Tenryu & Hansen vs Baba & Kimura? - but Gordeau isn't capable of using his physical advantage to make the match interesting. They circle and circle; Gordeau kicks and Inoki grimaces. Gordeau throws a bunch of punches, and it's not fun to watch old man Antonio take them. Finally, after doing basically nothing, Inoki grabs a choke. Gordeau tries to throw him off, but Inoki hangs on to his neck and he taps. We don't get any Eddy- or Wepner-level post-match selling, either. A complete waste. And if his Wikipedia entry is anything to go by, it seems like Gordeau should have thrived in this position. Not only had he done a bunch of works, he was also a scumbag cheater in his shoots. Why didn't we get any of that? So Inoki is through to face legendary kung fu master Steve goddamn Borden in the finals. I went ahead and watched it, and it's almost the same thing except with fakey pro wrestling submissions instead of kicks: Inoki eats offense the whole way until getting a miracle submission win. I get what they were going for: Inoki the aging lion going for one last win, taking ungodly punishment but barely managing to use his guts and technique to triumph. With different opponents, it could have worked. As a matter of fact, exactly one year later with a different a opponent it did work.

Crazy, right? I almost added something about all the people Wepner unexpectedly outlived, but I didn’t want to be morbid. Plus I already did it with Abdullah.

Antonio Inoki Vs. Chuck Wepner Oct 25, 1977 Time for another installment in the pleasantest surprise in the history of wrestling, Antonio Inoki Proves He's Stronger Than That Stupid Giant Baba by Beating Every Fighter in the World! Today's competitor is actually pretty famous. Chuck Wepner was a journeyman boxer with a day job who reeled off a bunch of consecutive wins and got a shot at Muhammed Ali. Given no chance to win, he shocked the world and New Jersey by very nearly going a full 15 rounds with the champ. Sylvester Stallone watched raptly and immediately went and wrote Rocky. Wepner may also have inspired that episode of the Simpsons where Homer wins fights by getting punched in the face until his opponent keels over - even after victories Wepner would require a few dozen stitches. Kazuyuki Fujita would go on to MMA stardom and an IWGP title run by employing the Wepner-Simpson stratagem. Wepner physically shows the effects of this style. His profile is almost flat, as if he had been punched in the face many, many times. Wepner had tried his hand at pro wrestling before this. He took on Andre the Giant at Shea Stadium as part of the live undercard to the closed circuit broadcast of the Inoki vs. Ali fight the year before. I don't know how that match was, but Wepner looks at home in a pro wrestling ring and fully prepared to have a fake fight. He's energetic and never looks as lost as I would have expected. As with Monster Man and Palmore, the pulled punches are the weakest part of his game. He's good on defense. He reacts naturally to Inoki's takedown attempts, and he even gets in some ground and pound. Both men are wearing gloves, but I'm not sure what the rules are. It seems like the ref tries to break things up whenever they go to the ground, but it ends with a submission. Inoki is allowed to kick, and it's pretty exciting because he saves them for big spots and since this isn't a shoot, he's getting in the air with them. It's a longer fight than Eddy's. This goes to round 6 before Inoki hits a couple kicks to the leg and then sinks in a Boston crab for a not very convincing finish. I guess a tall, exhausted guy in boxing gloves might not be able to stop that move? I don't know. I was expecting something more plausible. Wepner proves he's a pro by getting up and immediately stumbling back down, his legs humbled by the power of pro wrestling. I don't know how long I can keep getting lucky with these things. Wepner was great, Inoki was less annoying than usual (only cheated once), and if it hadn't outstayed its welcome, it might have been better than Inoki vs. Monster Man. Why are these legit prize fighters so good at selling?