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Dave Meltzer + not an optimal mood = comic genius


Bix
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Dave hasn't been this funny in awhile, probably since the potential WWE HOFers story in the Observer a couple years ago with the multiple Von Erich jokes.

 

The relevant excerpts:

 

Usual Thursday with the TNA go-home show. Among the things on the show:

*Mick Foley name drops Trina Michaels

*Earl Hebner attempts to wrangle a legal settlement out of Jeff Jarrett

*A.J. Styles & Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Jarrett & Mick Foley vs. Kurt Angle & Sting with the keys to the castle at stake. I don't know what keys and what castle. Maybe it's the keys to unlike White Castle after hours so hungry wrestlers won't shot put a boulder threw the window and wind up in a Waukesha prison

*Raven vs. Jethro Holliday in a Clockwork Orange House of Fun match. I hope it's fun because I have to watch it either way. Clockwork Orange House of No Fun match isn't as enticing

*The man with no first name, Daniels, faces Amazing Red

*Matt Morgan pretends he's The Miz in Monday night's Battle Royal

*Taylor Wilde & Awesome Kong vs. Angelina Love & Daffney

*Beer Money & Team 3-D vs. Lethal Consequences & Motor City Machine Guns

 

Unleashed from 7-9 p.m. has:

*Forrest Griffin pounding The King of Rock and Rumble, which sounds like they got Jerry Lawler to dance in a horrible rap video produced by Verne Gagne in the 80s

*David Terrell gets in the cage without suffering an injury in training two weeks for the fight, but probably wishes that he did as the late Evan Tanner pulverizes him

*Jeff Monson attempts to spray paint antigovernment messages on the back of Brandon Lee Hinkle

*Tim Sylvia tries to avoid crapping in his pants as Cabbage Correira spends two rounds as a heavy punching bag but refuses to fall down

*Wilson Gouveia vs. Goran Reljic

*Demian Maia goes through Ed Herman like a hot knife through butter

*Chuck Liddell faces Rashad Evans, and everyone here has seen how that turns out even if you hate UFC with a passion, since it is the first shot in a video game commercial.

 

--At some point today we will have a special Wrestling Observer radio show with Georges St. Pierre. We've got shows scheduled for Saturday night after UFC, Sunday night after Slammiversary and Monday night after a commercial free Raw. So if I snap and say something stupid like Chris Jericho could never main event because my 17-year-old son would easily kick his ass (I don't have a 17 year son, and if I did, he wouldn't be training at the School of Karate and Magic Dancing Shoes Academy under master Ernest "The Cat" Miller), please forgive me. And yes, that was a real quote from a real live guy running what not that many months earlier was the most successful pro wrestling company in the world.

 

--Which brings me to this, go to http://www.tnawrestling.com and find the Spin Cycle (it's somewhere in those news notes) and click on because the first 9 minutes or so are funny as hell.

 

--In the irony of the week, WWE canceled Monday's house show in Valparaiso, IN on five days notice because they want all talent at Raw that night in Green Bay. They will be running the show later this year. I wonder if that means at the next Valpo baseball game, they'll spend 20 minutes with some guy from the drama club pretending to be Vince McMahon getting mocked by the chancellor of the college for disrespecting every student in the university as well as every baseball fan in America.

 

--USA Network realized they put their feet in their mouth and had to send out a press release today saying that the press release on Tuesday that referred to Raw being purchased by Donald Trump was not the case. "There is no such actual sale. We apologize for any confusion."

 

--Sports Illustrated.com has reported that Mirko Cro Cop will face Mighty Mo on the 7/20 Dream show at the Saitama Super Arena. Amazing how that happened just days after Cro Cop claimed he had not signed a contract.

 

--UFC sent out a press release with the full UFC 100 card.

*Matt Grice tries to avoid a bogus ref stoppage against Shannon Gugerty

*C.B. Dollaway tries to make it a clean sweep for ASU wrestling by freight training Tom "The King" Lawlor

*Dong Hyun Kim faces last minute replacement T.J. Grant, since Jonathan "Rene" Goulet, who was to face Dong, and Rory Markham, who was to face General Grant, were both injured earlier this week. Goulet suffered a dislocated shoulder in training.

*Johnny "Bones" Jones has been studying his wrestling and Roller Derby tapes to come out with new high spots to try with Jake O'Brien in a match of the world's most exciting wrestler against the world's most boring

*Mac Danzig refuses to eat met in preparation for being subbed by Jim Miller

*Mark Coleman refuses to show any fear from the ravages of oxygen deprivation while Stephan Bonnar takes time out from banging porn star looking women to attempt to stand upright for 15 minutes

*Yoshihiro Akiyama hopefully will do the single greatest ring entrance in UFC history or I'm throwing spit wads at Dana White and getting kicked out of the press section at the biggest show of the year. Then he'll see if the combination of Vaseline and skin lotion is enough to try and avoid being Kang'd by Alan "The Talent" Belcher. Maybe they can import the fans in Saitama to boo him out of the universe.

*Paulo Thiago attempts to see if lightning really can strike twice 9 million miles apart when he faces Jon Fitch

*Dan Henderson attempts to make Michael Bisping his personal douche bag

*Georges St. Pierre attempts to pound 30 pounds of water weight gain in less than one day out of Thiago Alves

*Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir end 18 months of fans arguing on message boards on whether Steve Mazzagatti saved Mir's ass or that Lesnar is an untalented oaf that any real fighter under the age of 44, that doesn't have an Olympic silver medal, nor wear a cowboy hat, would beat with ease and send him back to his home in the snow in the Middle of Nowhere, Minnesota to watch the three hunting channels that his television with rabbit ears can pick up. An interesting trivia note here is that this is the first heavyweight title fight in UFC history where not only are both men going to be new fathers right before fight time, but that in both cases, their wives cut better promos than they do. I guess we'll find out who is the one getting sleepless nights changing diapers and who is hiding in the basement to get a decent night of sleep.

 

--Former pro wrestler Dwayne Johnson is listed in People Magazine as one of the hottest bachelors of 2009. See, divorce isn't that bad. Well, unless you're Ric Flair's accountant. Does that mean Dwayne gets to go on The Dating Game? Too bad they didn't have the dating game when Ric Flair was young. Okay, they did, but he was always married. Then again.

 

--What to you think is the real main event for the Bash

No way there's a PPV next week 43.9%

C.M. Punk vs. Jeff Hardy 43.9%

Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho 21.0%

HHH vs. Randy Orton 5.8%

ECW Scramble match 2.2%

 

--CZW is back on 7/11 at the CZW Arena in Philadelphia. Maybe they can slice a guy half to death and threaten to set him on fire. Oh yeah, they already did that.

 

--3XW on 6/26 in Des Moines at the Social Club. Some day I want them to have an event at the Antisocial Club

 

FUN FACT from Tuesday's ECW TV show

WWE beats Facebook

 

WWEUniverse.com consistently ranks higher than Facebook in terms of Average Time Spent per Visit

 

MORE FUN FACTS

WWEUniverse.com isn't even ranked in the top 100,000 web sites

 

MORE FUN FACTS

Facebook obliterates WWE.com in every conceivable category, including average time spent on the site per visit

 

AND EVEN MORE FUN FACTS

In the meaningless statistic of average time spent on the site per visit, Wrestlingobserver.com consistently beats WWE.com

 

 

--Pro wrestler Matt Riviera is a cast member of a VH-1 reality show called Megan Wants a Millionaire that will air in August. Hopefully he'll represent pro wrestling in the same fine manner Chyna has on VH-1 reality shows.

 

--Brew City Wrestling tomorrow night in Club Velvet in Waukesha, WI is headlined by Jim Neidhart, who hopefully won't be hungry at about 1 a.m. after the show.

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I was just going to post a similar thread about this. I'm not quite sure what's gotten into Dave today - hell, quite frankly, it almost comes across like he's drunk at times, which I strongly bet isn't the case - but today's update is awesome. I'm very glad I sent Dave the 3XW info last night because most other days he just puts "3XW in PLACE in CITY," but to crack wise on the name of the building made my day.

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Not saying I didn't enjoy it, but man, that sure reads like somebody who is getting crazy burned out from covering both MMA and wrestling full-time. Also, even though Bryan Alvarez is supposed to be the "funny" guy at the site, this was funnier than anything Alvarez has ever written.

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Guest Talon

Awesome update today. I gotta wonder if he just does it to amuse himself or to amuse the smarks because god knows half these jokes will go over the heads of most uninformed readers.

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I think he considered Bischoff a friend, and is still upset about him spending so much time criticizing him in his book he released while in WWE.

 

Dave's biggest problem seemed to be that he grouped him with Wade Keller as if they both were the exact same, which in turn set Wade off on a tangent, because he took it as an insult.

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I think he considered Bischoff a friend, and is still upset about him spending so much time criticizing him in his book he released while in WWE.

 

Dave's biggest problem seemed to be that he grouped him with Wade Keller as if they both were the exact same, which in turn set Wade off on a tangent, because he took it as an insult.

I would think that subsequent digs by Bischoff would also have influenced Dave's comments, such as this one:

 

Once they do, they can seek out Internet sites like Dave Meltzer's that features commentary from a middle aged, overweight, silicon-laden troll whose only real talent was converting her willingness to being passed around by wrestlers as a party favor into a paycheck more than a decade ago. Or worse yet, that headlines bogus "divorce stories" as breaking news only because they didn't bother to do a basic public records check beforehand. They can then subscribe to his 345,000+ word weekly assault on grammar that attempts to be the arbiter of an industry he's never been directly involved with for "inside information".

Interestingly, Bischoff added in the comments section:

For the record, I don't "hate" anyone, including Meltzer. Actually, as a person, what little experience I have had with him I have to say that I probably would like him.

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