The Wade Keller Appreciation Thread

[Bix]

I've been watching the last two week's of Raw since about 2 p.m., interrupted time after time with newsworthy phone calls about the Benoit situation - either wrestlers or reporters. I've had 15 minutes left in last week's Raw for hours. The stuff going on behind the scenes here is amazing, and when more of this becomes on record, it will make for an amazing story. (I'm not intending to tease things that I can't report, but in this context, I'll just say that there are things behind the scenes - including Vince's day today - that will some day come out as part of the context of this ongoing story that will be fascinating.) Now the NY Times has come out with a major story on the testing policy in WWE.

 

I skipped the TNA PPV last night because I was two Impact's behind and wanted to watch and review those first, and (mainly) because I had to finish another double-issue of the Torch which went to press this morning. When I have an hour or so - hopefully tonight yet - I'll get it formatted and posted online. Should I do that or finish last week's Raw and this week's Raw first?

 

I am determined to get caught up on the wrestling shows, but I'm a stickler for not skipping any or watching them out of order (which may be a bad thing at this point), but I think I can catch up this week on all of the shows - including the ROH PPV which has been sitting on my desk in DVD format for two weeks.

 

I totally totally understand where you're coming from. I literally sit there and look at caller ID and hesitate to pick the phone up even from someone I know will have info because I want to just isolate myself and watch and review the shows I'm behind on, but I pick up and there's always good info exchanges and I learn more. I also just spent an hour reading the latest Observer with the list of causes of death.

 

I've skipped my annual cabin trip, I've barely exercised (and I love biking in the summer months, but haven't but once since I got sick four weeks ago), and haven't seen any movies or done much of anything socially since this story broke. I have tried to take a full day off once a week to get away from the story, because I have hit that mental fatigue wall a couple times after five or six days of doing nothing but talking, writing, researching, reading, and thinking about this story. Saturday night I spent paying bills, since my cell phone was shut off because I didn't pay my bill and every credit card and other bill was late because that stack of envelopes behind my desk chair was never a priority and turn to deal with. I've been unwinding with an episode of season four of "24" at the end of each work day (at 2 or 3 a.m.) most nights, which is a nice bed time story coming at the same time as news reports of our odds of being attacked this summer! Otherwise, it's been this story every waking minute.

 

While I'm ready and eager to get back to usual business, the developments in this story just keep coming in every time I think I'll have a break to do it, for the better part of three weeks, something always happens - new newspaper story, new phone call, new indictment update, or something else. I can only ask you to hang in there and know I will get back to regular coverage as soon as I can, although I'm going to have to sneak in a four or five day vacation over the next two or three months at some point, but only after I get somewhat caught up on everything.

Are any of you intrigued by the fact that this Wikipedia vandal had one occasion where he cleaned up vandalism - and it was erasing bad stuff from Chavo's Wiki entry? That's the coincidence that nobody else is really explaining away. Added to the geographical location close to WWE headquarters where a lot of people know a lot of people in WWE personally, it's stil an intriguing story to build conspiracies around.

[Jingus]

Yeesh. Anyone else get Harry Knowles flashbacks where he was talking about what he had for dinnner and who he rode with before he saw the movie he was reviewing?

[Loss]

He reminds me of Milhouse.

[Guest KCook]

I honestly feel bad for the guy. Meltzer is sonning him so badly that he's providing better coverage of the big MMA shows than Keller is of the Benoit story. Think about that for a second.

[Loss]

What's even more interesting to me is how Bryan Alvarez has surpassed him as the #2 guy.

[Bix]

What's even more interesting to me is how Bryan Alvarez has surpassed him as the #2 guy.

And it's pretty obvious that this absolutely infuriates Wade.

[kjh]

I suppose it depends how you define success Loss, because Wade is quick to point out how proud he is that his website has gotten more traffic than any other wrestling website over the last 3 weeks.

[Bix]

In fairness to Wade...

 

 

Of course, the Torch site disseminates spyware, I believe, so that could artificially inflate his Alexa stats.

[World's Worst Man]

The torch website has many more posts than the WO website. Keller posts a lot of articles from other sources and then gives his take on them at the end. Not really quality reporting, but it could explain the greater traffic.

[Loss]

He's probably fundamentally right, but his reaction is a little over the top and heavy-handed.

 

On a side note, I really think the term "illegitimate son or daughter" is an antiquated term on the level of calling an African-American a "Negro" or a Japanese person "Oriental." There is nothing "illegitimate" about a child born out of wedlock. That child is as legitimate as any other child in this country. This isn't 1957. Labelling the child with something that sounds derogatory or demeaning could affect the self-esteem of many of WWE's younger viewers who were not born in a married household with two parents raising them. It sounds to my ear the same as calling a 12 year old boy a "bastard" because he was born to parents not married. I don't know what the solution is, but I don't believe we all should just go along with WWE in calling this person it the storyline who had no say-so in whether his or her parents were married when he or she was born "illegitimate" in a casual way. It's an antiquated, demeaning term that should be discarded.

[Jingus]

His analogy's wrong. We don't have a common PC term for kids born out of wedlock. This is kinda like bitching about calling someone black if African-American had never been popularized.

[Loss]

"Child with unwed parents" would probably work. That was hard.

[kjh]

Wade Keller still thinks headlocks are evil and need to be eliminated for the good of mankind:

 

8 -- JOHN CENA vs. RANDY ORTON

 

The squeals for Cena began as soon as the graphic for the main event appeared on the screen. Cena went for headlocks in the opening minutes, drawing audible boos from the deeper voiced fans. Orton took over offense, worked over Cena on the floor, and then locked on a side headlock. It was ballsy to test fans' patience with such a lazy opening six minutes. Orton went into a half-hearted, methodical Orton Stomp. Orton powerslammed Cena at 8:00 to score a near fall. Orton went back to the chinlock. Just amazing gall to consider this entertainment for a main event in 2007. If fans weren't entertaining themselves with a pro-Cena and anti-Cena chant battle, they'd have been rioting from boredom. Orton dropkicked Cena at 9:00 for another two count. Back to another side headlock at 10:00. Orton went back to a headlock, then slipped on a sleeper. Ross said this is what the WWE Title is all about and they were giving their all. Lawler said, "Look at the intensity." Nice try. Cena fought back at 12:00 with two shoulder blocks. He played to the crowd to a loud mixed reaction. Cena did the Youg Can't See Me wave, then the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He lifted Orton for an FU, but Orton elbowed out of it and then gave Cena an inverted backbreaker. Orton gave Cena a DDT off the middle rope, then "got that vacant look in his face" and waited for Cena to pull himself to his feet. Cena rose, Orton set up an RKO, Cena escaped, then Cena dove at Orton. Orton ducked and Cena flew to the floor. Orton whipped Cena hard into the ringside steps. Lawler and Ross played up the possibility that Cena suffered a concussion on Saturday Night's Main Event and that could be working against him in this match. Cena snuck in a neckbreaker, then climbed to the top rope. Orton met him up there at 16:00 and set up second rope superplex. Cena blocked him and held his ground, then shoved Orton to the mat. He quickly leaped down with a legdrop to the back of Orton's neck. That was one of the more realistic looking guillotine legdrops as Orton didn't have to sit there in an awkward, unnatural position waiting for the legdrop to hit him. Orton held onto the top rope and sent Cena to the ground seconds later. Cena stayed face-down on the mat motionless. Orton stalked Cena. He thought of an RKO, but then shifted to a running punt. Cena moved and slipped on a sudden STFU at 18:00. Orton yelled in pain and reached for the bottom rope. Ross went hoarse yelling that the WWE Title hinged on that exchange. Orton surprised Cena with a sudden RKO, but he favored his left knee. He draped Cena for a two count, then clutched at his left knee in pain. Orton stood unsteadily. It was a legit knee injury or a very convincing sell job. Cena hit an FU for the clean pin. Ross called it "one of the most stimulating, scintiliating WWE Title matches I've called in years." Hardly.

 

WINNER: Cena in 20:00 to retain the WWE Hvt. Title.

 

STAR RATING: *** -- I rated the match under three stars after first viewing, and am willing to give it three stars after the second viewing. It's still a disappoint match. That first half was just inexusible in 2007 because it's going to turn people off from investing 40 dollars in these PPVs if the top acts can't give a 20 minute effort, but instead spend most of the the first half of their match lying on the mat making faces. The headlocks by Orton made sense, since he was trying to capitlize on the damage he did at SNME with the running bulldog onto the chair at ringside, but why was that also Cena's unimaginative hold of choice. The headlocks applied by both were intense, and there did appear to be a struggle to get out of them each time, but still, it was monotonous and headlocks carry a stigma from years of it being applied a half-hearted stalling resthold. It also just didn't seem credible that both wrestlers would feel their best strategy early in a match before they were tired or beaten down would be to sit on the mat and wrap their arm around their opponent's head or chin time after time while lying on the mat. The second half was well done and showed that when they want to, they are two pros who can turn it on and have a good match.

[Guest *FH*]

Wait. I thought that dolt Keller said that good headlocks were the way of the future.

[Loss]

I love that Wade Keller reviewed that match like he had never watched a main event in the US before.

[Al]

This is exactly why wrestlers make fun of net writers who never wrestled. You can review a match, but stick to what you know.

[Jingus]

I will agree with him on the point that the rear chinlock is, on average, the single most boring move in wrestling. Every time someone applied one in a match I was commentating, I groaned on the inside while I pulled out my patented "cutting off the carotid arteries, blood flow to the brain, tiring his opponent while regaining strength, slowing down the pace of the match" routine. Of course, while I didn't see Summerslam, I imagine that this was the only headlock-intensive match of the night, right? The main reason I got so disgusted with chinlocks and sleepers was that on the crappy indy scene they're usually applied in damn near every match, usually with the "arm drops twice then babyface wakes up and fights out with exactly three elbows to the stomach" sequence that just made me hate life while I was announcing.

[Bix]

Also, Orton's chinlocks are awesome.

[jdw]

 

Randy needed to use some chairshots, then drop Cena on his head a bunch, then do some dives rather than all those Chinlock-fu.

 

And of course gobble the painkillers backstage and after the show to deal with all the pain. And the somas to sleep.

 

 

John

[Guest KCook]

The crowd at UFC 74 seemed to be pretty into the "state of the art action" in the Joe Stevenson and Roger Huerta fights, which largely consisted of dudes trying to apply or defend against restholds like chokeholds, armbars, and leglocks, with a few throws tossed in. Those fights even got ***+ ratings at MMATorch.com!

 

Orton's chinlocks are and always have been incredibly awesome. I don't know why the sight of a 6'5", 230 pound guy trying to rip another guy's head off while squeezing the breath out of him with his thighs and making maniacal faces is supposed to be lame, but Wade is and always will be Wade.

[Loss]

It's not so much the move as it is how it is sold. Everyone should see Rey/Orton from Smackdown last year, built entirely around chinlocks, but they were put over as meaningful and got heat and produced a great match as a result. Yes, not everyone is Rey, but it just proves you can get just about any offense over if the guys involved know what they're doing.

[Jingus]

Plus at least is makes sense with Orton's finisher, since the diamond cutter mostly impacts the neck, so it's like he's softening them up. Bad chinlockery is when some guy just gets blown up and runs out of ideas for what to do next, so he slaps on the dreaded rear matchkiller.

 

And oh yeah, can we please have someone tell Tazz that it's not a goddamn rear naked choke like he keeps claiming?

[Strummer]

Jingus, not flaming or anything, but did you enjoy *anything* about announcing and calling wrestling matches?

[Jingus]

Oh yeah, the good matches. Nothing beats the rush of getting so into a great match that I forget it's all a carefully staged work between my fellow employees. That didn't happen often, maybe once a month or less, but it was often worth the wait. Plus I just enjoyed the storytelling aspect of the job. I liked pointing out the psychology when it was there, and (more commonly) just making it up when it wasn't. Like, if the entire match is nothing but two fat guys clubbing each other over the back and not selling much, I'll say they're both targeting their opponent's spinal column and in a masochistic contest to see which one falls first. And I always got a perverse enjoyment over making smartass little side comments that flew over most people's heads but I thought were funny.

 

The problem came when I had to call the crap matches, because on a no-budget indy show, that's usually half of them, if not more. And I don't mean crap like "that Morishima vs. Misawa match wasn't very good", I mean CRAP like "do these guy have a receipt from the school that trained them?". And that's when they weren't just straight-up backyarders.

[Bix]

In the Matwatch 1991 Annual/farewell issue (released in March '92; which may deserve its own thread), Steve Beverly mentioned that Wade Keller, after selecting someone as "Torch Turkey" for the week, would call the "winner's" house to say "gobble gobble."